Would you rather deal with someone who yells or someone who is sarcastic when angry?

There are many different types of "yelling". It also depends on where the person on the receiving end of the "yelling" is at. It could be heard, and interpreted, very differently if someone has suffered abuse at any point in the past.

I do not appreciate sarcasm, either. It comes off as the sign of a someone who feels they are superior to you. It is dismissive and it always strikes me as being fairly snotty.

I am with Eskie. Neither one is really "fair fighting". Neither one is very adult, nor very productive.

Yeah true, there are different types of yelling. It's one thing to slightly raise your voice in a firm manner to send a message that you're serious, but it's another thing to scream at the top of your lungs inches from someone's face. It's the second one that I dislike the most, someone screaming as loud as they possibly can to the point where their face is red and spit is flying out of their mouth, I see people like that as potentially unstable and could turn physical. Also I agree that sarcasm is a different level of rude and does come off as snobby and arrogant, only difference is I don't get a feeling they're about to get violent but I still have an urge to say something to someone who is being sarcastic in an angry way especially if they're acting arrogant and think they're better than others.

I grew up with a lot of "yellers" and have done some yelling, myself. It's not good at all. However, I've also experienced ample passive aggression from others in my life. Frankly, of the two I think "yelling" is easier for me to deal with. I at least know where I stand with it. Nasty sarcasm and underhandedness upsets me more.

Yeah I can agree that passive aggressive sarcasm is still nasty to deal with, still gives you the urge to be sarcastic right back. In terms of sticking up for myself, I'll admit I'm more likely to stand up to someone who is being sarcastic than someone who is screaming, in some cases it may be somewhat easier to put them back in their place but with a screamer it is a lot harder. Although I agree that someone who is yelling at you makes it much easier to know where you stand with the person, some people find it much harder to detect passive aggressive sarcasm. I've observed people being extremely sarcastic with someone and the person on the receiving end is completely oblivious to the sarcasm, so I can see how sarcasm can have it's own level of nastiness and rudeness with arrogance mixed in.

Can I vote neither? There were times in my life yelling would have caused me to dissociate. It was a sign of danger. Sarcasm from someone I care about is emotionally hurtful.

Gonna say it also depends on the situation and who it is. I work with at risk kids. Some times their parents scream at me when angry. While I don't like it I am able to let it go.

Yeah it definitely depends on the situation and who is yelling or being sarcastic as well. Yelling is a sign of danger for me too and I'm usually more on guard when someone is yelling even if it's not directed at me. There are some people that I can dismiss their sarcasm especially if I'm not close to them like acquaintances, coworkers, family members and even the kids I work with since some of them have outbursts when they get mad and it doesn't affect me. When it's someone I truly like and care about like a friend then it's more hurtful when they yell or even become sarcastic since it makes me wonder how they really feel about me.

I have a freeze response to anger,.whether it is yelling or sarcasm I just freeze in my tracks.In my case physical violence never preceded by yelling,so I do not connect yelling with violence. I think my mind is able to recognize the anger behind yelling,so I freeze. Some times I do have a reaction called...delayed reaction,which happens long time after the fact.The delayed reaction leads to ruminations in my case.By ruminating I am hurting my self again and again. That is the reason I try to avoid both kinds of people.I go minimal contact if the yelling or sarcasm comes from near and dear.I communicate when it is absolutely necessary.

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Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul I have a freeze response to anger,.whether it is yelling or sarcasm I just freeze in my tracks.In my case physical violence never preceded by yelling,so I do not connect yelling with violence. I think my mind is able to recognize the anger behind yelling,so I freeze. Some times I do have a reaction called...delayed reaction,which happens long time after the fact.The delayed reaction leads to ruminations in my case.By ruminating I am hurting my self again and again. That is the reason I try to avoid both kinds of people.I go minimal contact if the yelling or sarcasm comes from near and dear.I communicate when it is absolutely necessary.

When I first got married (1975) & my husband started the put down sarcasm, I started throwing it right back in his face because I knew I was just as good (or better) than him BUT I hated the stress it was causing. Think it went on that way for several months before I had it with him & told him to stop or leave. Took about a year for that to totally end but every time he did it I not so nicely reminded him of stop or get out. Put me in control of the situation but it definitely started the marriage out on the wrong foot & went downhill from there for many other reasons I only tolerated because I had a career I was focused on & could avoid him most of the time while fixing the messes he made financially the rest of the time. I was more aggressive in my responses as time went on because I was getting more fed up all the time & yelling was not uncommon by the time I left. Looking back, I feel bad our daughter grew up in that environment. I can see the long term effect it had even if she can't

@Mendingmysoul: Yes! I have the same reaction to any angry displays.

My experiences have taught me that MOST uncalled-for displays of anger arise from a place of damage within the person doing it, whether it's yelling or snidey sarcasm. BOTH send me the strong message that this person is having a maladjusted response to something, and that it's going to end up harming me, somehow. So I become paralyzed, too. My brain freezes. I can only think of clever ways to diffuse the bomb (verbally or behaviourally) much later on, when I relax and can think clearly.

I have much more respect for people who can either agree to discuss things better when everything's calm; and even more for those who can discuss differences quietly and maturely.

I guess I prefer the being yelled at because, yeah, at least you'll know what they're angry about. Whereas, with the sarcastic remark, you're walking away thinking 'Hang on a minute. What did s/he just say?' Which basically messes with my head even more.

Yeah sometimes anger can cause others to freeze up especially if it’s without warning and for a very trivial and pointless reason if any reason at all.

Sometimes the best defense against someone’s sarcasm is to throw it right back at them. I still have trouble standing up for myself when someone is yelling but I can be way more assertive when someone is being sarcastic.

Yeah I agree that uncalled for anger comes from the person’s own struggles. In some cases it may even be ingrained in their brains to just start yelling over small pointless things. My dad used to be in the marines and he would get right up in my face screaming just because I spilled milk by accident or something else equally as trivial when I was a kid. There are other people I know that scream at dumb reasons and it really shows an insecure side of them.

Yeah I can understand that, usually I can tell when someone is sarcastic but some people hide it very well. It also does leave you feeling inferior, and it has you questioning what they really think. Depending on how it’s done, sarcasm can have a arrogant and snobby tone to it. For me, it actually makes me have stronger urges to say something right back at someone who’s being sarcasm as opposed to being yelled as since being yelled at makes me freeze and not likely to speak up.

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Originally Posted by rdgrad15 Sometimes the best defense against someone’s sarcasm is to throw it right back at them. I still have trouble standing up for myself when someone is yelling but I can be way more assertive when someone is being sarcastic.

It is a good defense but when one doesn't feel good about putting others down, it doesn't even feel ok using it as a defense. I decided it was a game I wasn't going to be part of & stopped it quickly giving him the choice to stop or get out.

Yelling is a tough one to stand up to even when one is assertive. I hate when someone has pushed me to the yelling point too. Once I walked away from my marriage, I have never been pushed to that point again. I lived around such dysfunctional parents & & husband that just didn't listen or get what they were told & no logic. Once I was away from those behaviors & around functional people, yelling never became necessary. That was when I realized it wasn't me but my reaction to years of living in such a dysfunctional environment who were incapable of listening since that behavior didn't follow me when I left

Yeah being around dysfunctional and toxic people can bring out behaviors that you wouldn’t normally do. Glad you were able to walk away and I agree being assertive is hard at times.

Many a times when we are facing those maladaptive expressions of anger (yelling or sarcasm) from others,we are not even responsible.Those people are angry at something or somebody else and we are just in the wrong place in a wrong time.We are used as proxy to unload their anger.It feels so unjust to me.If I happen to notice people who have maladaptive expressions, I run a mile from them.Not even worth it.I don't give second chances to such people.If they are family or close friends, I give them benefit of the doubt, but not for long.I go minimal contact if necessary to save myself.

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Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul Many a times when we are facing those maladaptive expressions of anger (yelling or sarcasm) from others,we are not even responsible.Those people are angry at something or somebody else and we are just in the wrong place in a wrong time.We are used as proxy to unload their anger.It feels so unjust to me.If I happen to notice people who have maladaptive expressions, I run a mile from them.Not even worth it.I don't give second chances to such people.If they are family or close friends, I give them benefit of the doubt, but not for long.I go minimal contact if necessary to save myself.

I only directed my yelling at the person (my now ex thank heavens) who made me angry. I never directed it at anyone else....but I know many people do. Sadly the yelling at him was justified. He never ever had listened, he never understood (obvious because he never handled things without making a worse mess to clean up) & it was the only way to even get his attention. It also served to let off my steam like a pressure cooker or I really would have exploded. Best thing I did was finally walk (run) away when I could. Sad when life (a person) pushes us to that point.

Not appropriate in a work environment & it took years of pushing to push me to that point that actually started in my childhood environment & ended when I left it from my marriage.

My mom used to yell at me when she was angry at my brother. And my Dad yelled at all of us to let out stress from work. I found it very frustrating and unfair. I've never taken my anger out on other people. I usually turn it inwards and make myself miserable.

Yep,I can understand you,down and lonely. My freeze response leaves me frustrated and unjustified specially when I didn't do anything to warrant other's anger.When others use me just to unload for no apparent reason.And the anger that results in me because of unjust behaviour of others,I become responsible for processing in a healthy way.I also do not use others to unload my anger. It really is a hard work trying to process our own negative emotions in a healthy manner and not to use people as proxies.

This is a very thought-provoking thread.

I took a few minutes, and counted back the number of times in my life when I felt the need to raise my voice at someone. It was only a handful of times. I turns out it was almost always done out of frustration, and only rarely was it done with anger. But it never got me what I wanted---and one very horrifying time, it really ended up doing too much damage to ever repair. It always backfired on me. So I have never returned to doing it , again.

And I have had lots of sarcastic things to utter, right on the tip of my tongue; but I've always known instinctively where that would get me, too, so I have never used it.

I think that's why I have respect for people who can discuss things like adults. I know the kind of self-control that certain situations can require, and I've had to work on myself to get where I want to be. And I do now expect people to extend the same courtesy, when a disagreement arises, that I've always shown to them.

A civil and respectful relationship is the only kind I will tolerate, from now on.

Yes this can be the case for a lot of people, people who never stand up for themselves are more likely to be subjected to anger by proxy. I stay away from people who yell at those who are just nearby, it is very unjust even if their anger is warranted. I’ve avoided people who are like that, I’ll keep my distance until they’re in a better mood. I’ve had friends that did that to me and I would cancel plans if they were in such a horrible mood and took their anger out on me, I hate being used as a sounding board in thar manner. As for family, I’ve left the house to go do stuff just to avoid anyone who was in a horrible mood since I’m constantly subjected to their anger by proxy and sometimes thrown in the middle of it which I hate.

Yeah I never redirect my anger at other people, only the person who deserves it. I don’t like it when people do it to me so I don’t do it to others, it's unfair to yell at someone who didn’t do anything. It comes off as if they’re looking for reasons to yell, which can be the case at times. Yeah sounds like your husband deserved it, glad you're out of that situation.

Same here, I don’t take it out on others. My family, especially my dad takes their anger out on others. It’s very uncomfortable, it’s also unfair to be dragged into the middle of something that has nothing to do with you. When I got older I would find a reason to leave the house just to avoid being yelled at, seeing someone lash out at others just because they were close by shows a sign of weak anger control.

Same here, if I’m yelled at for no reason, I am more likely to freeze. It has me feeling frustrated, wishing I could tell them the truth and to stop. Now if they’re just being sarcastic, I actually do have a bit more guts to say something depending on who it is. I’ve gotten a little more assertive in that aspect, not insulting them or yelling back but just simply telling them that I didn’t do anything and politely ask them to stop their behavior and then walk away.