Not being assertive enough which leads to people taking anger out on you

That's good you've learned to be assertive. Yeah I try to be diplomatic too since I don't want to come off as overly rude or arrogant when I'm being assertive. That's another reason I'm not very assertive because I don't want people to see me as rude or arrogant. Unfortunately I have seen people who are very arrogant try to play the assertive card to get their way so that's why I'm careful to not cross that line.

You know I think this is one of these things which can come with practice (and maybe age). I think it was true of me once, it’s less so now, and now I’m trying to think how I did become more assertive.

I agree with Beth’s advice about validating but not necessarily agreeing. It’s stating your truth I feel. That’s not the same as THE truth of course, but it’s acknowledging we can have different views and that’s okay. I wonder if part of not being assertive is wound up in fear of conflict. Conflict is normal and healthy at. times though.

As a retail worker I get people blowing their tops at me frequently, their favourite product isn’t in stock and that’s all it takes for some individuals to rant at the store assistant. I find this more difficult because of the power balance, it’s the customer always being right even if they’re wrong and we have to diffuse constantly. It’s wearing but it’s part of my job - I validate, apologise and smooth over - I really would like to tell them to get some perspective but that’s not allowed. I don’t indulge their temper any longer than necessary though and cut the interaction short as soon as possible.

Not sure if any of that helped but can only encourage you to keep on practicing that assertiveness when appropriate, it’s really only stating your truth, you can do it firmly but kindly and it does get easier in my experience.

Yeah I agree that it definitely takes practice and I think we get better with age since I'm definitely better now than I was back in high school. Yeah it's very hard to not tell people like it is at work since I have similar experiences where students will go off and you're not allowed to say anything other than deescalate. This even goes for coworkers who get mad over nothing and I see that a lot as well. In some cases coworkers can be just as bad or even worse than the students so it definitely requires lots of patience and I'm sorry you have to deal with that and being afraid of conflict is definitely the reason many are not assertive.

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Originally Posted by rdgrad15 That's good you've learned to be assertive. Yeah I try to be diplomatic too since I don't want to come off as overly rude or arrogant when I'm being assertive. That's another reason I'm not very assertive because I don't want people to see me as rude or arrogant. Unfortunately I have seen people who are very arrogant try to play the assertive card to get their way so that's why I'm careful to not cross that line.

Thing is that if nice doesn't work with some people then I get firm & direct & let them know I gave them a chance & they blew it. Lol....the older I get the less I care about not crossing a line but mostly I work at communicating my thoughts firmly in the first place so people know exactky where I stand. If they don't like it then they can choose not to associate with me.....no loss but they don't take their anger out on me because there will be a battle & they usually don't want to go there.

I think DBT interpersonal relationships section is a really good place to start for strengthening assertiveness skills. It reinforced skills I already had & taught me others.

Yeah that is true, some people really need to learn the hard way. I see what you mean by not caring as much as you get older, I'm that way to a certain extent when it comes to people my own age. I'm not afraid to tell it like it is in a tactful manner, some people need the wake up call. It's dealing with people much older that I need to work on, I need to work on being more verbally assertive without them trying to make me look bad because they perceive me as being disrespectful even though I'm an adult as well since some older adults still see adults at least 10 years younger than them as children in a sense and there's even been some older adults that talked to me the same way you would talk to a child which isn't appropriate and that's one of the places I need to draw the line at.

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Originally Posted by rdgrad15 Yeah that is true, some people really need to learn the hard way. I see what you mean by not caring as much as you get older, I'm that way to a certain extent when it comes to people my own age. I'm not afraid to tell it like it is in a tactful manner, some people need the wake up call. It's dealing with people much older that I need to work on, I need to work on being more verbally assertive without them trying to make me look bad because they perceive me as being disrespectful even though I'm an adult as well since some older adults still see adults at least 10 years younger than them as children in a sense and there's even been some older adults that talked to me the same way you would talk to a child which isn't appropriate and that's one of the places I need to draw the line at.

The problem these days especially is that people "any age" see people who disagree with them as being disrespectful (or worse). The way society has changed makes me even less caring whether I disagree or not. In some ways it has made me more vocal because I don't want my silence to be seen as agreement or conscent to their way of thinking. Yep, more conflict but with more practice I am getting even better at it & my voice even stronger than it has been

Yep you’re right in the fact that people see any form of disagreement as disrespect. Society has definitely changed and I’ve noticed people are more vocal and angry now. I take that as a sign that I need to become more assertive. Being silent can definitely be taken as agreement and doing what they want.

As a child you were beaten down for asserting yourself and now you are criticized for not being assertive enough --

I stood up for myself and told my therapist about the rude and unprofessional remarks the previous therapist made about my appeareance and how she called me creepy and stuff. Then I found out a couple weeks ago she got fired for saying that stuff and doing other things.

I didn't used to be assertive for "not wanting to throw people under the bus." But now I know some things just aren't right

Also on Monday I was assertive with my pdoc just enough to get the med increase I needed but not too pushy to get him angry. Its a toss up sometimes though.

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Originally Posted by pachyderm As a child you were beaten down for asserting yourself and now you are criticized for not being assertive enough --

No one ever achieved doing that to me because this strong willed child just kept doing what I knew was right. That angered people too, so either way. I just didn't care about their anger which fueled it more.

Yep got that right.

Yep that's how it is for me since I don't like throwing people under the bus. It could come off as you being crazy or disrespectful. You are right though it's getting to a point where it shouldn't matter what others think. Also yes it's a balancing act between being assertive enough to where you're not walked over but not so much that you come off as arrogant and making someone angry.

I wish I had this mindset as a child. I cared too much about other people's anger especially since corporal punishment was used a lot.

Smart thinking psychologist. I agree with him.

This is smart and I agree.

Some thing comes to my mind
When you assert your boundaries for the first time after being docile for a long time,people react very passive aggressive, they are angry that their scapegoat is trying to escape,they gaslight you how you are wrong in putting up boundaries,they take you on a guilt trip for not letting them use and abuse you,they will blame you of being selfish now that you want to protect your psyche, that you wanted to care for yourself.Essentially the abusers want to beat you down ,so that you will return to your previous position..That is...A scapegoat, or an emotional trash can.So that they can use and abuse you again.In their minds they are thinking...Ahhh I did all the hard work of identifying a nice target.You cannot be destroying that.Noo way.They desperately try to rehold on to you.
That is what happened with me when I stood up for myself.

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Originally Posted by rdgrad15 I wish I had this mindset as a child. I cared too much about other people's anger especially since corporal punishment was used a lot.

Was in my day too (I'm almost 70). Stuff I stood up against weren't those kind of things but it made adults angry that I didn't cooperate with their thinking or what whey wanted me to do & was willing to tell them NO in no uncertain terms.

Was assertive with a guy beating on his dog. He threatened to hit me & I told him go ahead cause it would land him in jail. Lol.... I was 5 ft & about 100 lbs at that time. They always said the smallest dogs gave the nastiest bite.....smallest people too.

I kinda learned to stick up for myself because my parents didn't have a clue how to even stick up for themselves.

My daughter appreciated my sticking up & being assertive. She learned well too.
I never got involved unless it was beyond what she could handle....but then my logical mind attacked illogical people & every time, she won & they realized they better respect her. Only had to happen a couple of times

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Originally Posted by *Beth* In the '90's I was seeing an outstanding psychologist. He taught me that the most effective way to communicate was to be validating (validate the other's position) and assertive (assert your own position). Sounds easy; it often is not. A smart habit to practice.

Problem is that usually by the time they push me into my assertive mode they have already proven that what they are doing is WRONG & there is nothing valid about what they are doing. I am pretty laid back until pushed too far & at that point all they get is assertive

Oh yes you are absolutely right, also people will label you as disrespectful for being assertive. It’s their way of making you agree with them, they don’t want to lose that control. I know it is normal to feel guilty at first, that’s how I always felt when I first started being assertive and I was worried they would say bad stuff about me.

Usually being assertive will also cause people to get very angry and start screaming and I once knew someone in college who threw her phone across the room after I was being assertive a few times, there were also a couple times where someone was so stunned and caught off guard that they stood there in complete silence and shock.

I’m glad you learned to be assertive and it’s a good skill to have.