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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
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#21
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Breaking Dawn
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Breaking Dawn
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: UK
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#22
You know I think this is one of these things which can come with practice (and maybe age). I think it was true of me once, it’s less so now, and now I’m trying to think how I did become more assertive.
I agree with Beth’s advice about validating but not necessarily agreeing. It’s stating your truth I feel. That’s not the same as THE truth of course, but it’s acknowledging we can have different views and that’s okay. I wonder if part of not being assertive is wound up in fear of conflict. Conflict is normal and healthy at. times though. As a retail worker I get people blowing their tops at me frequently, their favourite product isn’t in stock and that’s all it takes for some individuals to rant at the store assistant. I find this more difficult because of the power balance, it’s the customer always being right even if they’re wrong and we have to diffuse constantly. It’s wearing but it’s part of my job - I validate, apologise and smooth over - I really would like to tell them to get some perspective but that’s not allowed. I don’t indulge their temper any longer than necessary though and cut the interaction short as soon as possible. Not sure if any of that helped but can only encourage you to keep on practicing that assertiveness when appropriate, it’s really only stating your truth, you can do it firmly but kindly and it does get easier in my experience. |
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*Beth*, Breaking Dawn, eskielover, MuseumGhost, rdgrad15
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Magnate
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#23
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Breaking Dawn
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*Beth*, Breaking Dawn, Discombobulated, MuseumGhost
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#24
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I think DBT interpersonal relationships section is a really good place to start for strengthening assertiveness skills. It reinforced skills I already had & taught me others. __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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Breaking Dawn, Discombobulated, MuseumGhost, Open Eyes, rdgrad15
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
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#25
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Breaking Dawn, MuseumGhost
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#26
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__________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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Breaking Dawn, Discombobulated, MuseumGhost, rdgrad15
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
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#27
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Breaking Dawn, Discombobulated, eskielover
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eskielover, MuseumGhost
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#28
As a child you were beaten down for asserting yourself and now you are criticized for not being assertive enough --
__________________ Now if thou would'st When all have given him o'er From death to life Thou might'st him yet recover -- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631 |
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Discombobulated, rdgrad15
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#29
I stood up for myself and told my therapist about the rude and unprofessional remarks the previous therapist made about my appeareance and how she called me creepy and stuff. Then I found out a couple weeks ago she got fired for saying that stuff and doing other things.
I didn't used to be assertive for "not wanting to throw people under the bus." But now I know some things just aren't right Also on Monday I was assertive with my pdoc just enough to get the med increase I needed but not too pushy to get him angry. Its a toss up sometimes though. __________________ Ridin' with Biden |
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Discombobulated, rdgrad15
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#30
No one ever achieved doing that to me because this strong willed child just kept doing what I knew was right. That angered people too, so either way. I just didn't care about their anger which fueled it more.
__________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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Discombobulated, rdgrad15
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
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#31
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Breaking Dawn
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,740
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#32
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Magnate
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Location: Pennsylvania
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#33
I wish I had this mindset as a child. I cared too much about other people's anger especially since corporal punishment was used a lot.
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pachyderm
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#34
Smart thinking psychologist. I agree with him.
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Breaking Dawn
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Discombobulated, rdgrad15
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Magnate
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#35
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Breaking Dawn, Fuzzybear
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#36
Some thing comes to my mind
When you assert your boundaries for the first time after being docile for a long time,people react very passive aggressive, they are angry that their scapegoat is trying to escape,they gaslight you how you are wrong in putting up boundaries,they take you on a guilt trip for not letting them use and abuse you,they will blame you of being selfish now that you want to protect your psyche, that you wanted to care for yourself.Essentially the abusers want to beat you down ,so that you will return to your previous position..That is...A scapegoat, or an emotional trash can.So that they can use and abuse you again.In their minds they are thinking...Ahhh I did all the hard work of identifying a nice target.You cannot be destroying that.Noo way.They desperately try to rehold on to you. That is what happened with me when I stood up for myself. |
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Breaking Dawn, pachyderm, rdgrad15
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#37
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Was assertive with a guy beating on his dog. He threatened to hit me & I told him go ahead cause it would land him in jail. Lol.... I was 5 ft & about 100 lbs at that time. They always said the smallest dogs gave the nastiest bite.....smallest people too. I kinda learned to stick up for myself because my parents didn't have a clue how to even stick up for themselves. My daughter appreciated my sticking up & being assertive. She learned well too. I never got involved unless it was beyond what she could handle....but then my logical mind attacked illogical people & every time, she won & they realized they better respect her. Only had to happen a couple of times __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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pachyderm, rdgrad15
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#38
Problem is that usually by the time they push me into my assertive mode they have already proven that what they are doing is WRONG & there is nothing valid about what they are doing. I am pretty laid back until pushed too far & at that point all they get is assertive
__________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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pachyderm, rdgrad15
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
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#39
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Usually being assertive will also cause people to get very angry and start screaming and I once knew someone in college who threw her phone across the room after I was being assertive a few times, there were also a couple times where someone was so stunned and caught off guard that they stood there in complete silence and shock. |
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pachyderm
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,740
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#40
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eskielover
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