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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
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#1
Anyone have trouble being assertive which leads to people believing they can just take their anger and frustrations out on you simply because they know you won't say or do anything about it? I have this problem and I always have especially if someone is much older than me. It's something I've been working on and I have gotten a bit better and standing up for myself when it's people my own age lashing out but still not brave enough to do it when it's someone much older. I'm always worried they will find a way to make me out to be the bad person if I'm assertive and tell someone who is older than me to stop taking their anger out on me.
This is super obvious when someone only does it to me but no one else and at times it may even seem like that person doesn't like me. In some cases that can be true but in other cases I think it's just them lashing out because when things are going well then they treat me just fine. It feels more like they just see me as an easy target because they know I won't say anything to stand up for myself. Wish there was a way to become more assertive especially with people way older than me including coworkers without them getting mad and making me out to be a disrespectful person. |
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*Beth*, Aurelius710, Breaking Dawn, Discombobulated, mote.of.soul, MuseumGhost, unaluna
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MuseumGhost
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#2
You're describing me. Same deal all my life. I'm not willing to say anything because I just want to disappear & make it all go away. Yes, for sure, people use people like us to safely get their negative feelings out. I'm so used to it & I usually don't feel any resentment, because my goal is to keep "smooth water", no ripples, which could potentially lead to danger, violence,...
__________________ "Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot) "Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller) * * * * * * |
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Discombobulated, mote.of.soul, MuseumGhost
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rdgrad15
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catches the flowers
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#3
I've found, throughout my life, that I'm a genuinely kind and understanding person. Sometimes someone crosses a line, however. When that happens and I assert myself the other person seems shocked by my ability to stand up for myself and they attack me. It feels like they think I was supposed to be "nice" regardless of how much they pushed me. This is a repeat pattern in my life. So what I'm doing, finally, in my late 50's, is trying my best to set healthy boundaries in the beginning...be fair to both myself and to the other person. That way, when I do say "No" or "I don't agree" - they don't act like I just tried to attack them, and start an argument with me.
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mote.of.soul
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Discombobulated, eskielover, MuseumGhost, rdgrad15
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Apr 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
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#4
This is very close to my experiences with people, too. I've had varying results while trying to work on it and become more assertive. Some have worked, some still hang in the air, somewhere over Lake Michigan....
Something I know I had to work on was not letting things pile up, and then getting frustrated, and perhaps over-reacting. I've been working on giving a more measured, rational response when someone has crossed a boundary with me. That's been the best tactic for me, so far. I also try to give people a chance to explain their position if I find there is some friction happening. That gives me a chance to hear their point of view, before it all evolves into a misunderstanding, and emotions get tangled, or responses get misconstrued. Older people can be tricky to deal with, I've found. There's actually so much going on underneath that surface, that I've found it's akin to walking into a mine field. This is situation where it's probably the most important time to become a good listener. If you suspect it's a case of people simply using you as an excuse to vent their anger, it is permissible to remind them that they don't get to do that. They need to justify that to you somehow, and back it up with an explanation. They have to give you a chance to respond. This gives everyone a fairer chance to be heard, and understood. Great help from the Mayo Clinic: Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better - Mayo Clinic Best of luck with it all. |
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*Beth*, Breaking Dawn
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*Beth*, Breaking Dawn, Discombobulated, mote.of.soul, rdgrad15
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,740
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#5
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Breaking Dawn, Discombobulated, mote.of.soul, MuseumGhost
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Breaking Dawn
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
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#6
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Breaking Dawn, Discombobulated, MuseumGhost
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
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#7
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Breaking Dawn
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Discombobulated, MuseumGhost
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
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#8
In the 80's, we used to say, "Be assertive, not aggressive." For a minute there, i thought assertive was the negative one. Or maybe times have changed.
I once told my mother, dont think because i didnt respond to your insult, that it didnt register. Boy that stopped her in her tracks. She thought she was getting away with carp all that time. But as my dad used to say, someone has to keep the peace or else there would be arguments all the time. But it did not make for a happy family. |
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*Beth*, Breaking Dawn, Discombobulated, MuseumGhost
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*Beth*, Breaking Dawn, eskielover, mote.of.soul, rdgrad15
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catches the flowers
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#9
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MuseumGhost
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MuseumGhost, rdgrad15
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catches the flowers
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#10
In the '90's I was seeing an outstanding psychologist. He taught me that the most effective way to communicate was to be validating (validate the other's position) and assertive (assert your own position).
Sounds easy; it often is not. A smart habit to practice. __________________ |
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Breaking Dawn, MuseumGhost
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Breaking Dawn, Discombobulated, MuseumGhost, rdgrad15
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,740
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#11
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Breaking Dawn, MuseumGhost, unaluna
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*Beth*, Breaking Dawn, Discombobulated, unaluna
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
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#12
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*Beth*, Breaking Dawn, MuseumGhost
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*Beth*, Discombobulated
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
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#13
Yep it's one of those scenarios where it's easier said than done.
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*Beth*, Breaking Dawn
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*Beth*, Discombobulated, MuseumGhost
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catches the flowers
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#14
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Breaking Dawn
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Breaking Dawn, Discombobulated, MuseumGhost, rdgrad15
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
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#15
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Breaking Dawn, MuseumGhost
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Discombobulated, MuseumGhost
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Grand Member
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#16
I had a freeze response if someone attacked me verbally. People figured out I was a safe person to vent,emotionally dump and I won't retaliate. Did it start in your childhood? Such people are afraid of people, who fight back,put a boundary or retaliate.They identify and then target people who tolerate their emotional toxic dump.What I do is...if done repeatedly I go low contact with such person.They will find another target.I don't believe healthy discussions are possible with such people ,when their primary objective is to crap all over you to relieve themselves of their emotional diarrhea, so to speak.
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Breaking Dawn
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Discombobulated, rdgrad15
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,740
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#17
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Breaking Dawn, Discombobulated, Mendingmysoul, unaluna
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#18
People who use children or younger ones as emotional trashcans, they absolutely disgust me.They are cowards who target helpless children who cannot defend themselves. And we are groomed since childhood tobe that person who tolerates toxic people's crap.When more and more of the same happens,sometimes we tend to think it's kinda normal until we wake up and realize. I am glad that now you are aware and asking these questions. As an adult you have the power now to put a boundary if needed.I am doing the same.
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Breaking Dawn, Discombobulated, MuseumGhost
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Breaking Dawn, MuseumGhost, rdgrad15
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,740
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#19
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Breaking Dawn
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Breaking Dawn, Mendingmysoul
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#20
I always tried to be diplomatic with my assertiveness even way back in grade school (almost 70 now). Many took that as not meaning what I said. They regretted pushing the issue because when pushed past my boundary they soon learned to never do it again. There were times when hearing people say "don't mess with her" I knew my point had come across loud & clear. Growing up I pretty much had to stand alone & even during my marriage. Took me quite awhile to learn over the last 15 years what it is like to have people standing there with me & some people are still learning not to mess with me but now I have a strong community standing with me
__________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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Breaking Dawn, MuseumGhost
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Breaking Dawn, Discombobulated, MuseumGhost, rdgrad15
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