Not being assertive enough which leads to people taking anger out on you

rdgrad15 · Nov 22, 2022 at 07:57 AM

Anyone have trouble being assertive which leads to people believing they can just take their anger and frustrations out on you simply because they know you won't say or do anything about it? I have this problem and I always have especially if someone is much older than me. It's something I've been working on and I have gotten a bit better and standing up for myself when it's people my own age lashing out but still not brave enough to do it when it's someone much older. I'm always worried they will find a way to make me out to be the bad person if I'm assertive and tell someone who is older than me to stop taking their anger out on me.

This is super obvious when someone only does it to me but no one else and at times it may even seem like that person doesn't like me. In some cases that can be true but in other cases I think it's just them lashing out because when things are going well then they treat me just fine. It feels more like they just see me as an easy target because they know I won't say anything to stand up for myself. Wish there was a way to become more assertive especially with people way older than me including coworkers without them getting mad and making me out to be a disrespectful person.

Breaking Dawn · Nov 22, 2022 at 01:56 PM

You're describing me. Same deal all my life. I'm not willing to say anything because I just want to disappear & make it all go away. Yes, for sure, people use people like us to safely get their negative feelings out. I'm so used to it & I usually don't feel any resentment, because my goal is to keep "smooth water", no ripples, which could potentially lead to danger, violence,...

*Beth* · Nov 22, 2022 at 02:04 PM

I've found, throughout my life, that I'm a genuinely kind and understanding person. Sometimes someone crosses a line, however. When that happens and I assert myself the other person seems shocked by my ability to stand up for myself and they attack me. It feels like they think I was supposed to be "nice" regardless of how much they pushed me. This is a repeat pattern in my life. So what I'm doing, finally, in my late 50's, is trying my best to set healthy boundaries in the beginning...be fair to both myself and to the other person. That way, when I do say "No" or "I don't agree" - they don't act like I just tried to attack them, and start an argument with me.

MuseumGhost · Nov 22, 2022 at 06:34 PM

This is very close to my experiences with people, too. I've had varying results while trying to work on it and become more assertive. Some have worked, some still hang in the air, somewhere over Lake Michigan....

Something I know I had to work on was not letting things pile up, and then getting frustrated, and perhaps over-reacting. I've been working on giving a more measured, rational response when someone has crossed a boundary with me. That's been the best tactic for me, so far.

I also try to give people a chance to explain their position if I find there is some friction happening. That gives me a chance to hear their point of view, before it all evolves into a misunderstanding, and emotions get tangled, or responses get misconstrued.

Older people can be tricky to deal with, I've found. There's actually so much going on underneath that surface, that I've found it's akin to walking into a mine field. This is situation where it's probably the most important time to become a good listener.

If you suspect it's a case of people simply using you as an excuse to vent their anger, it is permissible to remind them that they don't get to do that. They need to justify that to you somehow, and back it up with an explanation. They have to give you a chance to respond. This gives everyone a fairer chance to be heard, and understood.

Great help from the Mayo Clinic: Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better - Mayo Clinic

Best of luck with it all.

rdgrad15 · Nov 22, 2022 at 10:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

You're describing me. Same deal all my life. I'm not willing to say anything because I just want to disappear & make it all go away. Yes, for sure, people use people like us to safely get their negative feelings out. I'm so used to it & I usually don't feel any resentment, because my goal is to keep "smooth water", no ripples, which could potentially lead to danger, violence,...

Yep I'm the same since I hate causing ripples in the water. I'm a little more brave with people my own age but I still prefer to remain quiet unless I really have to speak up. I'm most likely to speak up if someone is spreading false rumors about me that could seriously damage my reputation or someone else's reputation. Also someone being just a downright toxic person and not showing any signs of stopping will also most likely result in me saying something at some point but that is rare since I prefer to keep the peace.

rdgrad15 · Nov 22, 2022 at 11:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I've found, throughout my life, that I'm a genuinely kind and understanding person. Sometimes someone crosses a line, however. When that happens and I assert myself the other person seems shocked by my ability to stand up for myself and they attack me. It feels like they think I was supposed to be "nice" regardless of how much they pushed me. This is a repeat pattern in my life. So what I'm doing, finally, in my late 50's, is trying my best to set healthy boundaries in the beginning...be fair to both myself and to the other person. That way, when I do say "No" or "I don't agree" - they don't act like I just tried to attack them, and start an argument with me.

Yep I know what you mean when people seem shocked when you assert yourself, it's like they thought you were incapable of doing so the whole time. During the rare times I have stood up for myself, I've seen a couple people stand there and stare in disbelief that I said something right back. Most people verbally fight back in anger especially since they're not used to me saying something but a couple have been shocked speechless, a couple times the conversation didn't even continue because they had nothing else to say. I never yelled at anyone because I don't like yelling or screaming but the simple fact that I did something I usually don't do was enough to startle them, just simply saying please stop doing that or something similar is usually enough to either leave someone speechless or they will get defensive because they realize they're loosing their grip on you.

rdgrad15 · Nov 22, 2022 at 11:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuseumGhost

This is very close to my experiences with people, too. I've had varying results while trying to work on it and become more assertive. Some have worked, some still hang in the air, somewhere over Lake Michigan....

Something I know I had to work on was not letting things pile up, and then getting frustrated, and perhaps over-reacting. I've been working on giving a more measured, rational response when someone has crossed a boundary with me. That's been the best tactic for me, so far.

I also try to give people a chance to explain their position if I find there is some friction happening. That gives me a chance to hear their point of view, before it all evolves into a misunderstanding, and emotions get tangled, or responses get misconstrued.

Older people can be tricky to deal with, I've found. There's actually so much going on underneath that surface, that I've found it's akin to walking into a mine field. This is situation where it's probably the most important time to become a good listener.

If you suspect it's a case of people simply using you as an excuse to vent their anger, it is permissible to remind them that they don't get to do that. They need to justify that to you somehow, and back it up with an explanation. They have to give you a chance to respond. This gives everyone a fairer chance to be heard, and understood.

Great help from the Mayo Clinic: Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better - Mayo Clinic

Best of luck with it all.

Yep I agree with you, it's tricker with older people since there's a sense of superiority. If you stand up to them, they essentially have the ability to make you out to be a disrespectful person. This is why I never stand up to coworkers, I know quite a few of them that would run to admin and say I was being rude or inappropriate if I ever stood up to them and told them to stop doing something even in the most polite manner. I have come very close but I always keep in mind that I need a job and also I work with kids so it wouldn't be professional to sink to their level in front of students, outside of work it may be a bit easier though to stand up for yourself.

unaluna · Nov 23, 2022 at 08:24 AM

In the 80's, we used to say, "Be assertive, not aggressive." For a minute there, i thought assertive was the negative one. Or maybe times have changed.

I once told my mother, dont think because i didnt respond to your insult, that it didnt register. Boy that stopped her in her tracks. She thought she was getting away with carp all that time. But as my dad used to say, someone has to keep the peace or else there would be arguments all the time. But it did not make for a happy family.

*Beth* · Nov 23, 2022 at 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuseumGhost

This is very close to my experiences with people, too. I've had varying results while trying to work on it and become more assertive. Some have worked, some still hang in the air, somewhere over Lake Michigan....

Something I know I had to work on was not letting things pile up, and then getting frustrated, and perhaps over-reacting. I've been working on giving a more measured, rational response when someone has crossed a boundary with me. That's been the best tactic for me, so far.

Exactly - you've described this so well, I think. Certainly something I am working on.

I also try to give people a chance to explain their position if I find there is some friction happening. That gives me a chance to hear their point of view, before it all evolves into a misunderstanding, and emotions get tangled, or responses get misconstrued.

Yes, I believe it's so important for all involved, to be an active listener.

Older people can be tricky to deal with, I've found. There's actually so much going on underneath that surface, that I've found it's akin to walking into a mine field. This is situation where it's probably the most important time to become a good listener.

What an interesting observation, MG. Sadly, my own parents and all aunts and uncles died before I could really call them very old. The one grandmother (lived to be 100) who really was old, while actually always kind to me, was cantankerous from - well, from what I always heard, all of her life. So I don't think she was a good measuring stick. Hopefully there will be some truly old people around for me to have experiences with - and I'll be truly old enough to experience them!

If you suspect it's a case of people simply using you as an excuse to vent their anger, it is permissible to remind them that they don't get to do that. They need to justify that to you somehow, and back it up with an explanation. They have to give you a chance to respond. This gives everyone a fairer chance to be heard, and understood.

Yes. That is what I'm working on. It's tough when "that" person is so extremely defensive, I simply cannot speak without an attack occurring, unless the topic is either of interest to him or is entirely benign.

Great help from the Mayo Clinic: Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better - Mayo Clinic

Darn link won't work. But, thank you, anyway. I understand the concept.

Best of luck with it all.

Thank you, MG - and to you, too

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Beth* · Nov 23, 2022 at 12:46 PM

In the '90's I was seeing an outstanding psychologist. He taught me that the most effective way to communicate was to be validating (validate the other's position) and assertive (assert your own position).

Sounds easy; it often is not. A smart habit to practice.

rdgrad15 · Nov 23, 2022 at 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

In the 80's, we used to say, "Be assertive, not aggressive." For a minute there, i thought assertive was the negative one. Or maybe times have changed.

I once told my mother, dont think because i didnt respond to your insult, that it didnt register. Boy that stopped her in her tracks. She thought she was getting away with carp all that time. But as my dad used to say, someone has to keep the peace or else there would be arguments all the time. But it did not make for a happy family.

Yep it's always interesting to see people's reaction when you are assertive and they're not expecting it. Sometimes it's genuine shock and other times it's verbal retaliation which is usually the case. I agree I like to try to keep the peace as well and I've always been that way since I really don't like confrontation. Also I used to think being assertive meant you were aggressive as well which technically it can be if your assertive in a hostile way which I've seen happen before.

rdgrad15 · Nov 23, 2022 at 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yep I'm trying to work on being more assertive to especially towards those who are older than me. I'm more likely to be assertive towards those who are around my age but even then I still struggle.

rdgrad15 · Nov 23, 2022 at 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

In the '90's I was seeing an outstanding psychologist. He taught me that the most effective way to communicate was to be validating (validate the other's position) and assertive (assert your own position).

Sounds easy; it often is not. A smart habit to practice.

Yep it's one of those scenarios where it's easier said than done.

*Beth* · Nov 23, 2022 at 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Yep it's one of those scenarios where it's easier said than done.

It is. But what an effective practice, and one that is of benefit for all who communicate.

rdgrad15 · Nov 23, 2022 at 01:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

It is. But what an effective practice, and one that is of benefit for all who communicate.

Yep I agree with you.

Mendingmysoul · Nov 23, 2022 at 11:40 PM

I had a freeze response if someone attacked me verbally. People figured out I was a safe person to vent,emotionally dump and I won't retaliate. Did it start in your childhood? Such people are afraid of people, who fight back,put a boundary or retaliate.They identify and then target people who tolerate their emotional toxic dump.What I do is...if done repeatedly I go low contact with such person.They will find another target.I don't believe healthy discussions are possible with such people ,when their primary objective is to crap all over you to relieve themselves of their emotional diarrhea, so to speak.

rdgrad15 · Nov 24, 2022 at 07:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

I had a freeze response if someone attacked me verbally. People figured out I was a safe person to vent,emotionally dump and I won't retaliate. Did it start in your childhood? Such people are afraid of people, who fight back,put a boundary or retaliate.They identify and then target people who tolerate their emotional toxic dump.What I do is...if done repeatedly I go low contact with such person.They will find another target.I don't believe healthy discussions are possible with such people ,when their primary objective is to crap all over you to relieve themselves of their emotional diarrhea, so to speak.

I have the same freeze response, I just take whatever people say to me unless it's so outrageous that something needs to be said. It definitely started in childhood, I wasn't really allowed to stand up for myself or be assertive, any form of assertion was met with a verbal retaliation so bad that if I was much older and able to just walk out of the house then I would've done so since the urge to just simply walk out was there. I also go low contact with people like that as well, if I sense they're in a bad mood then I will avoid them too until I know they're in a good mood. It's one thing if they just want to talk about something that happened and need someone to listen to and I'm okay with that, it's another thing to absolutely lose your crap on someone just because you know they won't do anything about it and you see them as a punching bag and can get away with it.

Mendingmysoul · Nov 24, 2022 at 12:05 PM

People who use children or younger ones as emotional trashcans, they absolutely disgust me.They are cowards who target helpless children who cannot defend themselves. And we are groomed since childhood tobe that person who tolerates toxic people's crap.When more and more of the same happens,sometimes we tend to think it's kinda normal until we wake up and realize. I am glad that now you are aware and asking these questions. As an adult you have the power now to put a boundary if needed.I am doing the same.

rdgrad15 · Nov 24, 2022 at 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

People who use children or younger ones as emotional trashcans, they absolutely disgust me.They are cowards who target helpless children who cannot defend themselves. And we are groomed since childhood tobe that person who tolerates toxic people's crap.When more and more of the same happens,sometimes we tend to think it's kinda normal until we wake up and realize. I am glad that now you are aware and asking these questions. As an adult you have the power now to put a boundary if needed.I am doing the same.

Yep I agree, hate it when adults use children or punish them because they’re in a bad mood and want to dump their toxic crap on them. It can even happen in schools, I can usually tell when a teacher is yelling at their kids just because their in a bad mood and just dumping their crap on the students. I can always spot the difference between a teacher getting mad for a legitimate reason and a teacher that’s on a power trip due to being in a bad mood, I’ve definitely gotten better at setting boundaries especially with people my own age and I’m glad you’re getting better too. I’m still struggling with much older people especially coworkers, usually I’ll just low key avoid them or ignore them if they try to tell me what to do when they’re not actually the boss.

eskielover · Nov 24, 2022 at 12:47 PM

I always tried to be diplomatic with my assertiveness even way back in grade school (almost 70 now). Many took that as not meaning what I said. They regretted pushing the issue because when pushed past my boundary they soon learned to never do it again. There were times when hearing people say "don't mess with her" I knew my point had come across loud & clear. Growing up I pretty much had to stand alone & even during my marriage. Took me quite awhile to learn over the last 15 years what it is like to have people standing there with me & some people are still learning not to mess with me but now I have a strong community standing with me

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Beth catches the flowers Member Since Jul 2019 Location: Downtown Vibes, California Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!) 4 23.7k hugs given	Nov 23, 2022 at 12:46 PM #10 In the '90's I was seeing an outstanding psychologist. He taught me that the most effective way to communicate was to be validating (validate the other's position) and assertive (assert your own position). Sounds easy; it often is not. A smart habit to practice. __________________
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