Meeting Tonight

I thought about posting this in one of the other forums here but a lot of them aren’t terribly active. So tonight I’m going to an Al-Anon meeting. It’s my first one, is a small group, and I’m meeting my father in law there. So I shouldn’t be too nervous right? I hate social settings where I’m expected to talk in front of others. But I also think it would be more beneficial then a virtual meeting..which my husband prefers.

Just wanted to say good for you for going to a meeting. I go to AA myself and find it incredibly helpful. I have some friends who go to Alanon and find it really supportive. Hope it goes well.

There is no expectation that you talk at an Al-Anon meeting. It is 100% up to you to say much, little, or nothing, when your turn comes around in the room. You also have the option of asking a member to talk with you one on one. I think a good place to start is to get some of their literature and begin reading.

It took me years of exposing myself to the principles of Al-Anon, through meetings and reading, before I was able to figure out what I most needed to do to improve my life. Before I got to that point, I tended to mostly think about how much happier I could be, if only he would stop drinking, and how unfair his drinking was to me.

Financial dependency is a big issue. My guy and me both worked at jobs that didn't pay very well. Jointly, we could afford a decent apartment, but it seemed like neither of us could support ourself, living alone. That truly can make you feel trapped. I went back to school to train for a better paying job. Before I even got through the school program, I moved out because his drinking was making me nuts. I borrowed from Peter to pay Paul. I still loved him, but I wanted my own space, where I didn't have to be disturbed by drunken foolishness every 2nd night.

I found that I loved having the peaceful environment of my own apartment. After a few years, he totally stopped drinking, and we got back together. It had been a great weight off me, when I gave up trying to reform my boyfriend.

For 12 years, I had tried and gotten nowhere. In our early years, I had provided him with money to get off the street when he was homeless from drinking . . . more than once. Because of all the help I had given him, I felt he owed it to me to stop the binging. It wouldn't be a stretch to say I had saved his life. Plus, I had loved him. I became obsessed with the notion that he was cheating me of what I had a right to expect. Then the Al-Anon light bulb finally lit up inside my head.

When that light went on, I started to grasp that how he lives was up to him. It was his right to choose for him. Having the right to make choices means having the right to make poor choices. If I didn't like his choices and how they impacted me, then it was my responsibility to get away from him. I feared loneliness, and I experienced loneliness, but I loved not feeling trapped. Despite all the anger I had often felt towards him, I never hated him. I just wanted so bad to get him to be the better person I believed he could be, if he got off alcohol. Letting go of that was one of the most liberating decisions I ever made.

It is not up to me to decide what kind of a person anyone else could be or should be. That's on them. I can't choose what another person's goals should be . . . not that I didn't try very hard. Successful couples who build satisfying lives tend to form joint goals. I had wanted him to look at things that way, for his own sake, as well as for mine. After a dozen frustrating years, I was ready to completely let go of that.

I'm now open to the idea that, perhaps, a person is not capable of change. For that reason, I'm disinclined to make judgements. It's possible that your husband is just not going to change. Don't hate him for that. None of us truly knows what makes another person as they are. I suspect the story of his life might yield some clues, as to how he got damaged, which he is. Though he is "functional," his excessive drinking will have consequences that will be sad. If the binge drinking continues, he is on his way to becoming someone whom others will pity. I recently lost a brother to alcohol and substance abuse. We were estranged because I set some limits on what he could expect from me, which angered him. I've been heartbroken over police finding him dead in a cheap motel room. I wasn't limiting my love for him, but I told him I could not be the solution to every problem he felt like dropping in my lap. He tended to be unreasonable. It is impossible to reason with an unreasonable person. I'm so sorry for how painful he found life. I wish I could have been a help to him. I tried. His problem was beyond anything I could fix. His way of living was killing him. He knew that, but wouldn't stop. Besides the substance abuse, he had wrong ways of thinking. He believed that, if I cared for him, I would never say "no" to him. He terminated every relationship he had because, sooner or later, everyone gave him a "no" to some request.

It's not just the drinking and/or the drugging that is the problem. There is distorted thinking that sets the stage for the substance issues. I'm not talking about some confused ideas that can be sorted out in therapy. The wrong thinking goes too deep for that. There is, IMHO, a moral problem in the mind of a person he££ bent on self-destruction. They think life cheated them. So the lying and abuse/neglect of others that they do seems not so bad to them because they feel they're just trying to make up to themselves for getting a raw deal in life. At least that was my brother. That's why AA starts recovery with admitting to yourself and to another that your approach to life has been wrong and that you have harmed others. I don't reject the disease model of alcoholism, but there's more going on than physical pathology. It's not all in the genes or in the neurological functioning of the brain, IMHO. Recovery requires humility. That begins with a spiritual awakening that is helped, I believe, by fellowship with others who understand that.

@splitimage Thank you for your kind words. I was nervous about feeling pressured to talk at the meeting. And just going in general(social anxiety). It was a lovely small group though and it went well! I’ll be back next week.

@Rose76 I did get to talk to someone one on one after the meeting and I was humbled by their openness. It’s amazing how a fellowship can heal people and make them even laugh together. I’m not sure what the future will bring for my husband. I almost including myself in that last sentence..but I know now that I can control my life and do things that are in my best interest. My guy’s problem is also a lifetime of depression, which his mom has also. I’ve struggled with depression also, and my mom has had BP. I definitely can relate to his mental issues. He’s been learning a lot lately about his distorted mindset. It’s amazing how reasonable and open minded he has been lately. I think that me living my life a bit detached from him has had an effect on him. I hope he can truly recover, not for me, but for himself. Thank you for your words. I am sorry about your brother.