[refactory man]

It's been close to ten years since my brother died. I've been depressed for a looong time. After he died I went completely down hill fast and I've never been the same. Just when I think I'm over his death I'll have a dream about him or something will remind me of him and I'll crash hard. I guess I'll never get over it. The way he died and the lack of details for us has always bothered me also. He was only 28. He had a life time of trouble with drugs. He always seemed to find the wrong people to hang out with. Well he finally cleaned up. He moved to Portland to get away from these people. So he joins a salvation army recovery program and they set him up in a half way house to live until he got on his feet. This place is crawling with recovering people. It wasn't long before he was making bad friends again. He was doing great for a long time until my mother gets a call. They said they had found my brother dead in his room. He had been there over a week so I can't imagine what he looked like. I guess he had ODed on heroin. That was it. That was all we knew. We didn't know if he did it on purpose, if it was an accident or if he was murdered. the next day my father and I flew to Portland to clean out his room and bring back anything sentimental. This was the most horrific experience of my life. But that was still it. I knew nothing exept that he was gone and I was devistated. My only brother. My only sibling. I was alone now. Ever since I have been a train wreck. I started drinking alot. I was off and on all sorts of medications. I just can't seem to shake this feeling now. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, alcohol abuse and lonely. I have since cut back on my drinking and see the right doctors. I am still looking for the magic pill though. Sorry to ramble. I just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks...

[Yoda]

I am sorry for the loss of your brother.