Oh god,please help me come to terms with this

I cannot keep being here with all these memories of my son here.I cannot reconcile the fact that a straight A student ,who was a chess pro,has lost his mind ,his,freedom,his hope,his family,is 21,been locked in psychiatric facilities,I have no idea if he has been raped in the MH unit of fkng PRISON>>>>PRISON....see that???He is in fkng prison.My baby.He wont let me visit him,wont let them tell me anything,I have no authority to make decisions on his behalf,and if I did what could I do?Where would I house him,he left every place I got him into.walked for miles till his precious feet were bloody because he thought he'd be sacrificed if he didnt.What sort of man allows his first born son to be in this danger?Allows his wife to cry all day and night and make thousands of phone calls to get help,and just still doesnt even give verbal comfort?Still goes boating?.My son is a danger to me,society,and hisself.He can't even drink water because he thinks it is poison.Has cut imagined implants from his arm....everyone here has already heard the story.I know it gets old.I told God I would go through every horrific event in my life again if I could just restore his brains functions.I fkng hate my husband for what he has done to him,to stevin,to russell,to my dogs,to me.I just fkng hate his gd guts right now.I know what triggered this melt down.I have not really slept,and have been struggling to find alternate living arrangements,know of another young person suffering this disease,and have pictures on the walls every where reminding me of all that has happened in the last 10 years.It is murdering my strength,my will to breathe.O god I failed my baby boy.I cant touch him,maybe he has been hurt in there.If he comes here,I know the problem is too enormous for me to manage,I tried.Im just in a swirl right now.making him live in the freezing cold,fkng A.H. husband.Sees his wife brain damaged to the point that I was supposed to be unplugged and remain in a care facility,and remains friends with the woman who told me I was a fkd up mum,wife,friend,so why didnt I K my self...because I told her we had a right to fix her daughters car to keep her from being stranded...so,I believe it and obey....no,he takes me home and takes horrid advantages,and when my fkng personality switches to a little girl,because thats what I was reduced to, he messes with her too,because he can.Has an affair with pastors daughter.The only solace I had left,my fkng church.I never again stepped inside a church.Causes an eating disorder to the point I was 113lbs because my only value was my appearance.I mean that literally.He couldnt hear a word I said because the tv was on or he was busy fixing something....all day every day.Thanks!Take my sons,my dogs,my body,myself confidence,my desire to live because it suits you.Beating my dogs,ripping stevin from a car at a stoplight while I am on the gd phone listening.Who hates a 5 year old step child for the balance of his youth because he bumps into their natural son on a swing.....WHO????Cops did fkng zilch when I would call them while he was fkng up my sons,because he is a smooth talker,sorry that was assault and battery on a few occassions.If the gd cops dont do anything...what do you do?.I hate them too.I hate my mum....god I just hate her guts.I hate her.Who lets their 8 yr old stay in all the situations she left me in?Who?Who isnt swallowed by the precious value of their own child.She only had ONE child.Who doesnt allow their grandchildren to visit?Btchs who think it's more important to have a lover,and a night life,and freedom from the responsibility of a child.Thats who.I could have been a better mum,friend ,wife,member of my community.Sorry,I just feel robbed,yes,I feel sorry for myself.I am just pissed.Im am tired of being tired .tired of laying in my bed wanting to die.I maintain an incredible amount of strength through so many things.But,you know?I just get tired of it.I want to be away from these pictures,the bedrooms they slept in,this man,this town,these walls,I want to make it despite all of it."show them".I can,and I freaking will.And I will retain my ability to empathize,my desire to get better,my hunger for learning,my tenderness for people.Despite them.And you know what?I am not even heart broken anymore,I am just mad,and won't tolerate any thing else.I WILL create a life and contribute to society,and I WILL flourish.I hope this doesn't make me seem 'nuts' but I needed to vent.I hold so much inside I literally couldnt sleep.Im sorry.I just cant keep all that inside all the time.

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. My own son is fifteen, the thought of him suffering as your dear child has is heart breaking.

there's a really good book out there which helps you communicate with loved ones in denial about mental illness... it's called "I'm not sick, I don't need help." It gives you communication strategies, and was designed by a psychologist who's brother was schizophrenic. It might help you. Surviving schizophrenia by Dr Torrey is another good resource.

Come here and vent any time. And your feelings are healthy... you need to grieve for what has been, in order to move onto what can still be.

***tears & prayers***

{{{{{{{{Rohag}}}}}}}}

I have very good news,I also got really good sleep,bought very healthy food,and I feel alot better.I will be able to make the changes I need.What a relief.lol...."What a difference a day makes...24 little hours".......Yay! I sleeeeeeept.N I'm gunna sleep more too. Thank you for supporting me.

wolfsong, I am glad that today is a better day for you. You know that you will have more days that are good and some that are not. For all of those days, good and bad, we are here for you. Your posts show so much pain and I want to comfort you in that. You also have anger and it is righteous anger at what should never have happened and you are absolutely entitled to that. I am here if you need me.

Yoda,Thank you for your tender heart reaching out to mine.And on that subject,there have been endless people within p.c who have chosen to take their time,to reply to my wolfcub panic cries....lol.People who have shared their points of view,advised me,supported me,spent time counsiling me,being patient,trying to bring smiles to the corners of my lips......giving 'links' just on and on.I can never express the true meaning of these things to me inside.But,I want to say,thank you to p.c for support and all of the tenderness that we as hurting souls choose to extend to others.I am eternally grateful.(((((((P.C))))))))))

I just read this, and I'm in tears. I had no idea the horror in which you had and have lived. My heart goes out to you dear Wolfsong. If only I could do something ~ I certainly would. God bless you dearheart. Love & hugs, Lee

(((((Leed))))) You have a lovely heart within and are so valuable in p.c. I always admire your mama bear replies!*Holds you*

(((wolfsong)) - so sorry for all these emotions and experiences you've endured. Sorry if I missed what's happening with your son - is he in prison or a mental hospital and what is his diagnosis? Is he being given medical treatment and medication. If not you have to advocate for him and tell the prison he needs proper medication.

It seems like your marriage is too far gone - the only problem is how will you support yourself. I think even a womens shelter would be better than living in your home. I think the only way for you to heal is to make a clean break from your husband. I hope you'll be able to eventually find some inner peace rather than living in limbo. Happy you got a good nights sleep.

Lynn the one that I melted over is schizophrenic (paranoid type).Previously he had been hospitalized for his psychosis,and currently he is in prison for arson,and breaking parole.The arson charge was waged due to his act of making a public fire for warmth,while he was under delusion.Was small in size,with no ill intent.At the time he was living in a house nearby which I rented a room for him in.He came up missing.I put a missing persons report out for him,and when it panned out that they couldn't find him,I began to call jails.Found that he was jailed and awaiting sentencing.He refused calls,and visits for the jail time,except the first visit,but he was so very ill,that he thought I wanted him to sign papers for enlistment to the military.At this point,he ceased allowance of communication between me and anyone who could keep me informed as to his status and welfare.His pre-18 hospitalizations were ones in which I rec'd him into my hands (as good as we can get him) And always spun into refusal of meds so that he was soon a serious danger to self/others.As far as meds....it is not 'against the law' to go unmedicated.....as an adult he retains the right under most circumstances.W/O his consent from him to interact with his doctors (beyond age 18) they are allowed to accept phone calls which inform them of anything I deem sensitive or informative on his regard,but remain ,by law,unable to give information.Med-compliance is optional,school psychiatrists accomodated his educational needs,and he always 'cheeked' his meds....would retain them orally,while pretending to swallow,to his psychotic episodes gradually became worse as schizophrenia is a progressive organic disease of the brain and is degenerative.His illness became apparent at the age of 15 1/2.....and spiraled after a stressful episode in school and a forced enrollment to the 'young marines' specifically its bootcamp period.In which my wonderfully compassionate,empathetic husband became a monster.

As far as my marriage,I had another talk with him.He will relocate me,and wants me to figure expenses and some other things that I need to research.I feel it is irreconcilable.When my mum and her husband were dying of lung cancer and astrocytoma,I stayed beside their beds,alone,when Stevin had his chrones disease at it's height (in hospital on feeding tubes and almost always in a near comatose state of pain management,I was there all day and night.....alone.When Ryan (my youngest),got m.s symptoms,and was hospitalized,and was looking at a permanent loss of his bodys use I went through that alone,when I lost my brains ability to even recognize my children,I was viewed as something he could do very awful sexual things to and who'd tell?I had looked at every angle,and attempted many fixes,blind acceptances,discussion,communicating back and forth,sacrifices.....etc,but,it isn't working.Essentially,something has died.Something I cannot revive,and I really did try.The issues are impacting my health,and will to thrive.So,I have had to come to terms with that.Of course I am receiving statements to the effect of well,you don't want to do anything with me,I try to get you to do things with me,you don't want to.Ok,well this is too little too late,and doing things with him has always meant I hang out with strangers he is working for,and try to navigate the unfamiliar conversational territory with 'whoever' while he fixes things.He has an excuse for why abuse to the boys occurred,why he has done things to me which people dont want to discuss in public,why he injured my animals,why he was an absent parent,husband,....just his holy explanations.Nothing along the lines of ...."Wow,I can see where you're coming from...why you'd feel this way,maybe we could...._____,just well I did/do A for this reason....I did/do B for this reason______."Certainly not a ...."OMG You know,maybe I fkd up in light of a few of these things.....or hmm...how can we get this to be better....." The deal breakers are very big.There is no simple fix for much of this.And I was the glue that held every aspect of marriage/parent responsibilities together,held our childrens psychies in tact,I ran his baths,cooked for him and served him,kept the house spotless,attended all the boys events....alone,made posters that listed his qualities that made him special to me,brought him flowers,back rubs,dropped whatever I was doing in a moments notice to assist him where ever it was evident he needed it,and tried to negotiate the violent waters his moods brought...I could go on for days.Yes,I made so many mistakes,and have always tried to own 'my sh--"....repair my character defects....smooth troubled waters between every child,him,and myself.I did it alone.I'm done,today....and from this point.


"clean break"......just my sentiments exactly.

~W~

The most valuable part of your rant, well deserved rant, was what you said in the end. Isn't it nice to just let it all out? Just have someplace to Yell? Gee, maybe we should start a yell it out thread. I had mentioned that in another post. At least you had the sense to start a thread, I was way to irrational to do that.

Well good to hear you made a decision to get on with your life in spite of the poor actions of others. Keep that foward momentum. Now you have this thread if you need to let it out again.
If you did such a good job doing for others imagine what you could do for yourself, you certainly deserve it.

Open Eyes

wolfsong, i'm so so sorry you are enduring so many abrupt changes and heartache. i can totally relate with you re your son. my husband, a PhD psychologist became paranoid schiz. soon after our son was born. david was 25. for years his life was hell, so tormented. 2 years ago i tried to be his caretaker to get him out of institutions. my efforts failed. he is so sick. it is very very difficult for us to see someone we love so sick. with no MH solution other than meds..which do little, imho. i see you threaded this under grief and loss. that is the perfect place...your son. i felt so much grief and loss when david became ill. i knew he would never be the same. i really don't know how i managed cause i was young and had a baby to care for. sometimes strength comes from adversity.
i truly hope you can move and start a new life away from your hubby. please let us know how u're doing. and your son's situation. don't feel like we don't want you venting. you need to get the sorrow out.

Open Eyes,
Thank you for taking your time to ponder my rant.I appreciate that .Thank you for the feeling that I have a right to fuss about these things.A 'yell it out' thread would be invaluable.I feel we all need a place to say,like the commercial from my youth....lol...."I'm mad as hell and I'm not gunna take it anymore! " lol.
Idk your age,but,it's an oooold commercial for idk what where ppl would yell it.lol...that made me giggle,Lord knows I can use a good giggle.I really enjoyed your train of thought.
If you ever need to 'rant'....hit me up...lol

Madisgram,
Ohhhh I dunno what's worse,or I mean harder.I feel for you.Either situation it would seem,is perfectly heart wrenching.I just wish our mental health laws,and care would/could be revised,to at least create a place where they can thrive,and feel cared for.As it stands,a huge number of people afflicted with this disease are tossed away,or left in horrific conditions,and w/o any legal rights or the ability to care for themselves.It is devastating.I am so sorry for the burden of your heart.
Hugggggs if o.k.....WO.olfie

MGran,
I appreciate the reference to the book,I will pick one up asap.Dr.Torrey is awesum.For sure.The last bit you wrote was poetic,and precise.Thank you darlin.WO.olfie

Omagawd Lynn,I didn't say thank you.hug hug hug hug tytytytytyt

so much pent up trauma!! i am so sorry!! please tell us you are getting some wise counsel from someone in your real life. the lost sleep alone would make it hard for you to make decisions and sort out your emotions. take good care of yourself and keep up that brave survivor resolve!

Yes,I am.1 person irl,and many lovely people on p.c. (((((thank you)))) for your compassion.I appreciate it very much.

Really Sorry you are going through this.
Take care <3