[Sanada]

OK. I been with PC for awhile now, there are many reasons I'm here, but these are some......loss/death and dealing with it.

I lost my mother when i was 7 (cervical cancer) she was diagnosed not long after my birth (i sometimes think i should had been aborted), in the same year, i also lost my half sister and my grandfather (now in retrospect i see why daddy was so angry.

It does not excuse his behaviour.

My father had 4 wife's, now all are gone.

Trigger warning

In 2002 i woke one day to find my best friend whom had commited suicide, he was not dead, he was still alive. He hadd bleed himself. I exploded into a panic and phoned for the emergency services.
While waiting for them to arrive all i could do was to hold his hand and just look. The people on the phone was telling me to do mouth to mouth, but i was not trained in such stuff, and i was revulsed at what i saw.
It took 15-20 mins for the ambulance to arrive. It was the longest 20mins i've ever been through. The mess was untrue and the smell from the hot water and blood was unbelivable. He died a couple of mins b4 the ambulance arrived.

I just sat holding his hand, then he died.

My own massive guilt is he told me a few years before he was going to do it, so i moved him into my home, got him a lovely flat, and he lived for a few more years. My thing is WHY did i not see it coming, i look back and now i can see the signs. I was stupid and total tw*t for not seeing it coming. There were sign's that i should had seen, but i failed.

The next thing i know is another friend came into our life (me and my fience),
this new person was so alike to my friend who died was uncanny. The next thing i know after knowing this new friend for a year or two is he sui'd too.
I knew he had done it because he just vanished from our life's. I said to my ex "he's died or he's left our world for good" (gone away travling without saying anything). My ex would explode at such a suggestion at the thought that i suggested he had sui'd; BUT i knew inside that this was the case. Five months later we found out the that the worst had happened.

Over the next years to come 2004 - 2011 alot of people have gone the same way, my second cousin had done it to, she was only young (early 20's).

Now my father has gone, he was the last of my family (so far) to go; but he had a good innings.

Around all my friends there has been so many sui's, and some very unfortunate events that took the're life's.

Sometimes i feel that i am Cursed. Doomed. Tainted.

I am only 40. I dont think that its normal to have so much death in the way i have discribed. (esp finding my buddy, i had know him for 9 years and we got so close @ the end we were like lovers, i/we are not gay but we were close).

This is why i have my opinions about death.

I been dealing with it for my whole life, it started at school when in kinder garden other kids would say to me "whats it like having a dead mother". This i can understand cause kids/we are curious.

Now @ 40, i'm still confused, but i also have ans's to questions.

My life is going to go on for ever, i have no plans on wanting to give up on this wonderful adventure called life.

[avoice]

Sanada i'm so sorry of the experience you had to indure. That is so horrible and for you to survive. Makes me think you are a survivor. Give yourself a break and stop beating yourself. It's in the past find peace within and move on.

[my3sns]

Sanada , i must agree with you in some respects ... it sure seems like a lot of loss for someone just 40 years old. However i dont think all these deaths have anything to do with doom/gloom surrounding you , but it makes sense why you would have those questions. Try not to be so hard on yourself about "missing the signs" ... it was not your failure at all. You could not have known that a few years later he would do this to himself. It sounds to me like you did all you knew at the time to do ...((((sanada)))

I am SO very sorry for all your losses and pain. Its so hard on you. I understand about feeling "cursed"... I have had SO many more deaths in my life than people much older than me, and it feels so unreal...like how can this statistically happen to me so many times? Its hard at times to cope with, especially when other people haven't been through it and they just can't understand...
i am so so sorry you're hurting.

[Sanada]

Originally Posted by SarahMichelle

I am SO very sorry for all your losses and pain. Its so hard on you. I understand about feeling "cursed"... I have had SO many more deaths in my life than people much older than me, and it feels so unreal...like how can this statistically happen to me so many times? Its hard at times to cope with, especially when other people haven't been through it and they just can't understand...
i am so so sorry you're hurting.

Sorry SarahMichelle that you have had the same experience, its not a nice thing to go through, its really tough. You are right where you say 'esp when others have not been through it and cannot understand. Thats OK now though for me cause I think its natural as I get older it will become a part/fact of life (what a crap fact of life though). What it taught me, is that I am going to Live Forever..