Can't survive

new widow · May 21, 2012 at 09:41 AM

I've been thinking more and more about dying lately. I don't want to live without Paul. It's so hard and it all seems pointless. I've always believed in God but I'm wondering about things now. I think what stops me is wondering if I killed myself if God would let me be with Paul in heaven. I'm not sure what I believe right now. I just don't want to live with this pain anymore. I've been talking to people and I visited a church yesterday and the people were nice enough. I met with their grief counselor and she introduced me to a few other women who have lost their husbands. They're all so much older than me. They talk about how many years it's been since their husbands died and I think, please don't let me still be here when he's been gone 3 years, or 10 years. I'm hoping that I get some sort of disease, or have a heart attack, or that God will just let me not wake up some morning, but I'm still here and suffering.

TerryL · May 21, 2012 at 12:14 PM

Dear new widow, I'm so sorry your pain is so relentless. My thoughts are with you.

Leed · May 21, 2012 at 02:58 PM

You CAN survive this and you MUST! Paul would NOT want you to kill yourself!!! He would WANT you to go on with your life, and to be happy !!! He didn't want to leave you, but he was called home! Now he WANTS you to carry on -- to find a good, fulfilling life of your OWN.

You CAN do this. Millions of other women have done it and you can too. YES, it takes time, but it also takes HELP. Please join a grief support group. It doesn't matter if the women are older, younger or the same age. They've all been thru the same thing as you are going thru. They know the pain and they can help you. You don't HAVE to go thru this alone.

Please get some help. And while you're at it, talk to your medical doctor. Perhaps he can put you on a TEMPORARY dose of antidepressant. It sounds like you're SEVERELY depressed, and take these meds for a short time just to get you over the hump will help immensely. Please think about it, will you? I wish you the very best. God is walking with you to help get you thru this. God bless & please take care. Hugs, Lee

new widow · May 21, 2012 at 04:47 PM

I know he would want me to go on and be happy but I don't think I can. I'm not strong enough. I've been on an antidepressant for a week now. I am talking to the minister about what I'm going through and I'll be going to their next support group meeting. I was just looking through things and found an email he had sent me. It just started me crying again. I miss him so much.

TerryL · 02:33 AM

I know you feel so alone since it was basically just you and hubby. It was mainly just my mother and I and when she passed, I cried daily for 3 months. I never thought I would stop feeling so lost and alone but eventually my sorrow lessened. You have made it through over 3 weeks now so please hang on. Just take it day by day, hour by hour if you have to. and keep posting as much as you need to. We are all here for you. Also, it doesn't seem as if the antidepressant is working, do you think you should talk with your doctor?

Leed · May 22, 2012 at 04:05 AM

Dear Widow ! Just remember that the antidepressant takes about 6 WEEKS to start working, so if you've been on it for 3 weeks, you have about 3 more weeks before you see any effect. So please be patient!! It MIGHT begin working sooner than that, but usually it's about 6 weeks. You WILL FEEL BETTER, I promise you!!!

I'm so glad your doctor put you on one!!! That's the best thing he could have done for you!! It will take you out of the darkness, at least somewhat. You'll be better able to cope. It literally saved my life!

I've been praying for you and I'll continue. You CAN make it thru this, even tho it still hurt. You're stronger than you think you are -- and remember that God is walking WITH you thru this. He's right there beside you. And by the way -- anytime you want to talk, feel free to private message me. I've been where you are. Hugs, Lee

Sabrina · May 25, 2012 at 09:59 AM

((((New widow)))) despite your pain, I am relieved that you are taking the right steps to help yourself. My thoughts are with you.

new widow · May 25, 2012 at 08:43 PM

Thanks Sabrina. It's only been about a 1 1/2 weeks on the antidepressant so I know it will take a little longer to completely kick in. I have people that keep checking on me to see how I'm doing and offer to do anything I need to help. I'll be going to a grief support group when they have their next meeting and I have a counselor and a minister that I can talk to. I'm trying but it's still hard and I still have crying breakdowns where I'd give anything I could to have him back. It's been 4 weeks today without him and I still feel lost and alone.

cowboy1 · May 25, 2012 at 09:53 PM

I am so sorrry once again. Be strong I know it's hard it is for me also. Please dont't give up you are better than that. I am so sorry again HUG'S cowboy1.

ktbelle373 · Jul 06, 2012 at 11:57 PM

I cant even imagine the pain your going through, I am so sorry. If you feel you dont want to live your life for yourself, maybe live your life for paul. i bet he would want you to keep on going, im not saying dont feel depressed or hurt because i think you need to grieve, i think you need to feel the hurt. but at the same time know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. you will be in my thoughts and prayers, i wish you all the best

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TerryL Poohbah Member Since Jul 2011 Location: usa Posts: 1,482 12 1,308 hugs given	May 21, 2012 at 12:14 PM #2 Dear new widow, I'm so sorry your pain is so relentless. My thoughts are with you.
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Sabrina Wisest Elder Ever Member Since Feb 2006 Location: South Africa Posts: 67,808 (SuperPoster!) 18 1,653 hugs given	May 25, 2012 at 09:59 AM #7 ((((New widow)))) despite your pain, I am relieved that you are taking the right steps to help yourself. My thoughts are with you.
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cowboy1 Member Member Since May 2012 Location: upside down Posts: 54 12 59 hugs given	May 25, 2012 at 09:53 PM #9 I am so sorrry once again. Be strong I know it's hard it is for me also. Please dont't give up you are better than that. I am so sorry again HUG'S cowboy1.
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