[darkandempty]

my mother-in-law die xmas eve 2011. i was down at my parents in PA, miles away from my bf in MA. he called me that morning to tell me. it seemed like a dream, like i was going to wake up any minute and she would be ok. but no. i told him i would come home but he refused. i had to spend xmas eve with my family sullen and alone on the couch hoping no one would talk to me. then xmas day with my other family pretending everything was find. finally the day after xmas my parents drove me home where i met my bf. we both cried for what seemed like forever. we went over to his dads. i tried to do the things she always did like organize the day and keep everyone on task. i dont think i did such a good job, but i think they appreciated it anyway. soon bfs aunts and uncles arrived with cousins. people i had met only once before but had to be strong in front of. in the days leading up to the funeral i poured everything i had into making sure everything was perfect, down to the photo collage and table of crafts. during the funeral i stayed with my bf but checked in on his dad periodically to make sure he was doing ok. at the funeral party, i was exhausted and couldnt do more than just sit and watch people go by. in the following days bfs family went home and it was just the three of us in his house. we stayed there for almost a month. now that time has passed since her death i still think of her now and then when i see a picture, or a gift she has given me. sometimes im happy, sometimes i cry. sometimes i feel like i didnt get to process the whole event because i was too busy making sure everything went to plan. sometimes i forget shes even dead and think of plans we could do together. sometimes i feel bad for my bf and especially his dad as they move on to new chapters of their lives and she isnt there. now she never comes up in discussion unless its a holiday. but i know we all think of her more often than that.

but what i really want to know is how can i remember her in such a way that it is a positive thing on my bf and his dad and brother.

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by darkandempty

now she never comes up in discussion unless its a holiday. but i know we all think of her more often than that.

but what i really want to know is how can i remember her in such a way that it is a positive thing on my bf and his dad and brother.

I think even though your bf and his family don't talk about your mother-in-law as much nowadays it doesn't mean they don't miss her. Everyone grieves or remembers their passed-on loved one in their own way. Generally, I think men don't verbalize their feelings as much as women do. I would talk with your bf about all this as well as your own feelings and grief. You can also just ask them how they are doing. I am sure they will appreciate your concern.

[Leed]

I agree with Terry. Men do NOT verbalize their feelings at all -- not most of them anyway. Inside they might be dying, but they'll be darned if they'll say anything about it.

Like Terry said, make sure you ask them how they're doing, etc. Also, make sure there are pictures of her around the house. They may not have thought to put her pictures up. Hopefully there are some. You might want to put a few more up, if you can find them especially of her and the family. if they have a family album, put that out, and if they DON'T have an album, why not start one? You can put the pictures in starting from oldest to newest. That would be a nice addition for them. if they have one, you can complete it, as much as you can.

Best of luck. He's lucky to have you. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[bebop]

oh I can so relate to that. I had to do most things like that when my dad died.