[transient]

I haven't really had to deal with relatives dying, the first time was when I was around 6-8? My dad's dad died of cancer. At the memorial service all I remember is that no one would let the children go near the casket so I didn't see him. I saw my dad cry for the first time, and everyone was sad and I didn't understand. I don't remember anything from the funeral.

My dad's mom died last year in August from dementia. I loved her a lot, she was strong and funny, and didn't take anything from anyone. She had the most self confidence out of anyone I knew. I wanted to be like her.
But my dad's parents were still mysteries to me. They lived in Philly while I lived everywhere but. I got to see them once or twice a year during holidays if I was lucky. The only thing I really remember about them is the way they made me feel when I was in their presence.

My mom's dad just died on february 17, and the story is similar with him, but because it was my mom's dad I got to see him a little more often. My grandma and my grandpa divorced years and years ago, so visits were separate. I don't remember much about him except he had polio, and he was always, always smiling and loving. I'm not sure what caused him to go to the hospital, but I know that taking himself off the machines keeping him alive was his decision.

I went to his memorial service and funeral a few days ago and it was very stressful. I already have a lot to deal with, currently a prolonged breakdown, s. ideation, and family stress. I wanted to go for closure, and to support my mother because the rest of my family was too busy to accompany her.
I could have gone without the memorial service. I didn't go in the room with his body, I stayed in the waiting room, but I could still hear my uncle drone on and on about everything that happened w/ my grandfather in the hospital during the previous weeks. I was nervous going in the building knowing the reason why, and slowly I felt it build up until I had an anxiety attack and had to leave because I couldn't stop sobbing. The only thing in my mind was a repetition of "there's a dead body in there, my grandpa who I haven't seen in years and now he's dead. I have to get out of here".
That night I had a nightmare that I was dead, and the only thing in the dream I could see was dark red everywhere. Dreaming I'm dead is not normal for me but it's not rare either. this one actually caused me to be scared.
The next day I had the funeral which was difficult, because my mom was crying and everytime she cried I would. I remember thinking when I was crying about how I usually am numb or emotionless, unless it's annoyance or some other negative thing. but I had felt something else that I can't put my finger on, and it hurt so much more than when I was angry or having a bad day. I remember thinking something like "this is what normal people feel when they lose someone".

I feel like I shouldn't be this hurt/ upset because I didn't know my grandparents that well, and I feel selfish because while my grandfather was in the hospital I wanted attention. I wanted people to ask how I was doing for once, if I was okay. Before I left for the trip for the services, my dad said "take care of your mother" and I thought, well, she needs to take care of me too? I loved him and he was my relative too, just because I didn't know him that well I should be fine enough to take care of my sobbing mother? While dealing with everything I am right now? While wanting to be gone myself?
I have ambivalent feelings about it, but somehow it's still overwhelming for me? When I first heard I took it as a wake up call and the very next morning I was forcing myself to be hopeful, laugh, and to act as if my life had value, but the next few days went by and now I'm back to being horribly depressed and overwhelmed with everything.

Everything reminds me of death now. When I look at flowers I think "that will die" and when I look at my cat I think "she will die" and everything else. When I look at myself I know I will die and I never used to fear it, in fact I would want it, but now the idea is kind of scary for me. I'm an atheist but I wish I could have the faith to believe that he is in a better place, and not just in nothingness. all the theories I've had about death, and NDE's are resurfacing but it's like i'm driving myself insane with the thoughts because they rumble around in my head without stopping. and now it's unsettling to think that people are born into the world and they will be taken away, and it's not fair at all.

[Travelinglady]

You have had a lot to deal with. At some point I think most of get focused on death for awhile. But we do need to work though the stages of grieving and enjoy what life we have. Perhaps some guilt is also involved in your response and some desire for things to have been different? My father's mother died before I was born and my father's dad died when I was about five. I wish I could have been able to spend time with them. I hear so much about the ideal grandparents. My mother's parents lived nearby, but they weren't very loving. Maybe that kind of thing might be part of it?

Did you get the attention you needed growing up? Also, sometimes people forget how much grief family members are feeling and don't know how to act around them.

Let's see what other folks might have to say.

[transient]

Originally Posted by PAYNE1

You have had a lot to deal with. At some point I think most of get focused on death for awhile. But we do need to work though the stages of grieving and enjoy what life we have. Perhaps some guilt is also involved in your response and some desire for things to have been different? My father's mother died before I was born and my father's dad died when I was about five. I wish I could have been able to spend time with them. I hear so much about the ideal grandparents. My mother's parents lived nearby, but they weren't very loving. Maybe that kind of thing might be part of it?

Did you get the attention you needed growing up? Also, sometimes people forget how much grief family members are feeling and don't know how to act around them.

Let's see what other folks might have to say.

I think the ideal grandparent thing was part of it too. I guess all I can do is remember that although I hold ideals for them, they don't always fit it and it is okay. and I still love them.
I definitely still feel guilty about certain things and I've still been crying when I remember it, but somehow the pain lessens a lot and I don't think about it/ remember it, and then it comes back and hurts again.
As far as getting enough attention goes, I don't really know because most of my childhood has been repressed.