[Neversolost]

I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer on 11/1/11. The last 2 weeks in hospice were very hard. As she lay there dying, I told her it was time to go, begging her to let go. Dad and I sat by her side as she finally took her last breath ... 15 minutes after my siblings and extended family left.

I thought I was strong and unaffected through the whole process, but I was wrong. My closest friendships ended in an ugly way, one in the presence of my dad. I was terminated from my job, a job I loved. I lost touch with the world. I lost my purpose. I lost my ambition for life. I completely fell apart.

Securing employment seems impossible. I can count my friends on one hand. I can't show love to my husband. My muscles are weak. I don't want to go out. My dog asks very little of me, my cat just wants her mommy. I put on a front for my siblings. My husband doesn't really understand.

Life seems forever marred, an experience can never get past. Every day is a struggle.

Death took my soul.

ETA: I'm not missing my mom (although I do wish she were still here) ... I'm missing myself. Is there life after death??

[winter4me]

There seems to be something larger than your mother's death here.
Yes, of course there is life after the death of a loved one, and the pain remains, alters over time, comes and goes,
Are you getting any help with this? Is there some unfinished business with mom? It almost sounds as if you haven't been able to really grieve the loss...which might sound odd considering your depressive symptoms but depression is not grieving.
Did Hospice follow up with you afterward?
Did you let anyone comfort you? (the questions are a bit rhetorical)
best to you and take some action for yourself and the others alive in your life.

[Neversolost]

Hospice followed with letters offering support, but at the time I didn't feel I needed it ... Until I was terminated from my job.

I don't like myself anymore. I don't like my life. I feel trapped. I almost resent my mom for what I for her, but I think I did it to hide from my own problems. Now that she is gone, my problems are bigger and I feel trapped. I started with therapy - been there, done that. Now, not willing to look in the mirror ... Afraid to face the truth. Not in a position to make the changes I feel need to be made.

Comfort? What is comfort? I got "I love you for doing this" ... Thus enabling siblings to go about their lives as usual. Best friend told me I was selfish and it wasn't all about me, i didnt understand HER problems (ironically, she is depressed bipolar). Employer said "do what you have to do" and coworkers isolated me. Husband thinks comfort is intimacy and sex. BTW ... I never had children.

Yes, bigger things here ... Much bigger.

[Silent Void]

I know what you're saying. I died when my father died. Haven't been the same person since. A piece of you is gone and it's not coming back.

It's 11 years later and I'm still not me. All you can do is take care of yourself and pass the time by doing things that will distract you from your grief.

Do see someone. Meds help. They've helped me.

[Neversolost]

I've tried meds, but they added nearly 20 of the 50 pounds I lost (intended).
I am not sure if my mom's passing is the culprit of my problems, just compounded them.

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by Neversolost

Hospice followed with letters offering support, but at the time I didn't feel I needed it ... Until I was terminated from my job.

I don't like myself anymore. I don't like my life. I feel trapped. I almost resent my mom for what I for her, but I think I did it to hide from my own problems. Now that she is gone, my problems are bigger and I feel trapped. I started with therapy - been there, done that. Now, not willing to look in the mirror ... Afraid to face the truth. Not in a position to make the changes I feel need to be made.

Comfort? What is comfort? I got "I love you for doing this" ... Thus enabling siblings to go about their lives as usual. Best friend told me I was selfish and it wasn't all about me, i didnt understand HER problems (ironically, she is depressed bipolar). Employer said "do what you have to do" and coworkers isolated me. Husband thinks comfort is intimacy and sex. BTW ... I never had children.

Yes, bigger things here ... Much bigger.

I took care of my mother for 6+ years in my home (with her stuff) when she became demented---(and I was the child she disliked often and blamed for much)---my father had died covering for her so it came on suddenly---my only sibling had killed himself a couple of years before---that, I think, was the end of my mother, he was the golden child for so long and then a 'disappointment' as he became his own self far away from her( I miss him more as the years pass). It's a tough thing and takes a LONG time to decompress from that, it isn't until it is over that there is time to react, think, feel, be amazed at what you did and to wonder whether it was worth it. it was for me in a way I cannot explain but I needed to move on sooner---then the housing market fell I also was terminated from a job for the first time in my life (& I am 60)---do work ft. now and didn't take long to find another..but that still rankles at times.; I also declined hospice support afterwards---and worked full time during those years (after a while having to bring her to day care etc)---
Job loss is devastating. Please do little nice things just for you and know it takes time and struggle to come out the other end of a long dark tunnel...there is light around one of those bends, at least we must hope so. May be time to look at the bigger things (ugh and yikes--not a easy prospect...is there at least one activity that you can lose yourself in? A place to go for temporary relief? Could you create/find such a place? Taking small adventures with my camera helps me, as does camping in summer...and sometimes a project/craft. Keep holding on. If you told your husband what You need from him, would he make the effort?

[Neversolost]

Whati really need is to go back to work, be self sufficient again, and get my life back.

[Rypdx27]

I know it has been a couple weeks since the last post on this thread, but I must say I'm very sorry for all you've been through. My Dad died on 2/3/11 with my brother and I sitting beside his bed. My mom was in the next room when he passed. In the 2+ years since then, my mom and I have stayed living together at home, and we've both been in and out of work because the economy is so shaky. When we are working, though, we both do better overall, so I'm sure if you can land something, you'll get a boost out of it Hang in there!

[likewater]

I took care of my Grandma, i had quit my job to take care if her. Took me a good 4 mos to get back to work. Now when brother died going through similar thing. All i know is it gets better. Hugs.

[avlady]

It does get better, ive found relief from my sister's suicide in 1987, and until ive found this forum I was a wreck. Now I have a "sounding" board, and have met people who have compassion, knowledge and wisdom etc...There is a light at the end of the tunnel that I can now see from this place. Many of us have survived stories that are unbelievable, and I am humiliated in myself for being so selfish compared to others problems. please get some kind of help maybe a doc and T if possible.

[Neversolost]

I think now that my mother's illness and ultimate passing shifted my mind from the real issues at hand ... Unfortunately that shift took everything with it in the end. Now I don't know what to do .......

[Rypdx27]

I recall being in a frame of mind like that, for quite some time after losing my Dad. I think it's being in the middle of the grief, along with other emotions and memories that stir up from that, that seem to blur out everything else in day-to-day life. It's a fog of sorts, that starts to lift as the days go by. All I can suggest is to just keep taking the time you need for grieving and processing everything, and it will become less overbearing in your mind. And of course anything that can help you get your mind on something else is always a good way to get perspective on things.

[likewater]

No, no, no, no. You aren't selfish. You are grieving. My brother either comitted suicide or was killed by our mom in July. I'm sorry about your sister. That kind of death is really rough. My dad died of pancreatic cancer and that is a nasty painful cancer. I was nine and i could still see how brutal it was. Have compassion for yourself. Your soul isn't dead. You aren't dead. You might want to be. I think you are in the in between. When my brother died i was so devastated, i didn't want to be alive but i knew i couldn't hurt my family by ending it. I was in the in between.you'll make it back all the way to the living. May angels surround you.