[Stop the insanity]

I guess I'll just get right to it:

My mom died very unexpectedly and relatively suddenly at the end of January.

A few months before, my mom had been complaining about a cough she had, and some pain in her chest. My mom was a bit of a drama queen/hypochondriac and had the tendency to cry wolf a lot, so all of us (my siblings and I) sort of brushed it off, assuming it was nothing, as usual. She was absolutely health-obsessed (to an almost manic degree), and although she was anorexic ("controlled anorexia," she liked to call it, because she was not actively trying to lose weight, but was still obsessed with food), we all thought she'd live forever.

She came out to visit me for Thanksgiving (first time ever she came to visit me for the holiday), and I got her acupuncture, massage therapy, chiropractic. I thought her symptoms were likely due to stress, since she was very type A and always freaking out about something or other, and thought if she had some time just to relax, she would feel better. As a massage therapist myself, I also did some work on her.

On New Year's Eve, with my mother-- my vibrant, health-obsessed, mother-- went into the hospital, coughing up blood. A few hours later, she was on a ventilator. She was diagnosed with lung cancer two days later. Just days after that it was double pneumonia. They couldn't get a feeding tube in her-- she was too skinny, and her skull structure wouldn't allow it to be inserted nasally. I was told she wouldn't make it through the weekend. I dropped everything and flew across the country (where she lives). I sang her songs. I rubbed her feet. I played her favorite music. I did some energy work on her. I brought in a much better energy worker (it was all I could think of that they would allow me to do in the hospital). I did everything I could think of, and saw her oxygen levels get better each day I was there. They said they were going to try to wean her off the ventilator. I flew back to to my coast. She got worse again. She got a tracheotomy. She had a massive stroke. I flew back to her coast. She was brain dead. We buried her a few days later.

My mom and I had a bit of an odd relationship. My parents were not home much when I was a kid, and I sort of raised myself, more or less. It wasn't until maybe 10 years ago or so that I took the initiative to get closer to her and call her more often. After my dad died about 5 years ago, I started calling her almost every day. So although I loved her very much, I wouldn't say we had the typical bond most moms have with their kids.

Being 3,000 miles away, I did not see her very often, and I don't think I have really had the chance to come to terms with any of this. I keep thinking I should call her. I keep worrying now that I will lose all my siblings, and all of a sudden I am wondering if I should have kids (I never really wanted kids before). I don't feel like doing much other than going to work and playing with my dogs. Before, I was very well-adjusted, happy, independent, and life-loving. Now I just feel like a ****** girlfriend (I have zero sex drive and am not a whole lot of fun to be around), and I just do not feel like myself at all.

I guess I am looking for people who might be going through the same thing, or who have gone through it. I wonder if it will pass. I wonder how long it will take. I miss my old self. I just feel a bit lost.

Thanks for listening.

[likewater]

You went through a lot of hell really fast. Give yourself some time to process. You dont have to become a butterfly overnight. You stay in the chrysalis awhile first.

[Sabrina]

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom

[bebop]

take the time to grieve hon. it hasn't been long at all and grief takes time. allow yourself that time.

[avlady]

Grieve first, then things will feel less tragic, time will heal your heart, just give it some time, and in the meanwhile, take some time off for yourself and do some yoga or exercise to keep up your committment to get better. it does take time, so be good to yourself and don't blame yourself for anything. you do deserve to take the time to heal.