[JadeAmethyst]

It seems like a long time of grieving, and it's longer yet that I've been able to 'release'. My bio-mother committed suicide when I was 10. Now many years later I still want to save everyone, except for myself.

I've lived a long time. I spent time in the military, had a family and kids, now g'children. After the military spent 8 years in elder care. A lot of the people I loved deeply and cared for just as they were my family and I was theirs. Actually, we were family, lots of elders don't have family. The down side and the side I never got over were the deaths and funerals.
The other side is that they weren't alone at their time to pass on. Overly involved I was in their lives.

It got too much health and stress for me, so I quit. I was so tired all the time.

My Father passed on in 2009, I thought I would lose my mind. Maybe I did.
All I could do was stand by and watch and wait. I never thought it would have such an effect on my mental, emotional, spiritual, physical state. After all, it was I who always helped my patients through their endings. And, get up and go on the next day too.

Life today, after trying to get my act together when I'm supposed to be content......pretty much I feel nothing.

I've volunteered, still have Step-Mom to oversee, as per my Dad's request before passing.

Mostly, on some days I just want to be left alone. Quiet. On other days I consider being social and I'll go out with my dogs.

My H travels a lot, so I have free time. Going to find a job seems crazy to think about. I don't know what I would do anyway....certainly NOT the same thing.

While in my heart I know I made a lot of lives better.....my own heart is empty, cold and barren and peace and joy are words on the screen.

Jade

[Gus1234U]

everyone who is born must die, to find acceptance for this truth is to find peace of heart. you have loved so many, now feel the love that is your own. when it is your time, i hope you have yourself with you, and are not lost and wandering.

love bless
Gus