I have always told people in my life "I am sorry for your loss" when their loved ones died or I attended a funeral. I followed the protocol and felt empathy, but never had any idea of the true emotions that were experienced.
I thought I knew the meaning of the word grief and associated it with pain and loss, I have experienced heartache, loss of grandparents, friends, loved ones, seen horrible things in my life and thought I grieved, I never have, I felt pain and hurt from past loss, but grief or to grieve is an entirely different animal. I think this is grief, what I do know for sure is that what I feel is so unfamiliar to me, I have no idea how to process through it all. And I also know that saying " Im sorry for your loss" is not even considering the true feelings the person is experiencing. But how can you know unless you experience it, I don't think you can.
I am 38 years old and my mother died August 4th at 431am. I told them to stop all life saving efforts, I don't feel guilty about that at the present moment. Secret- my mom was an alcoholic and died from liver failure which led to internal bleeding and other organ failure. She was a wonderful woman, strong, beautiful, smart, funny, witty, sarcastic and she loved us and her grandchildren with more than she was. I tried so hard the last two years to get her healthy, she just didn't have it in her anymore. I type this as I drink my third drink wondering how I am going to get back to reality.
I knew she was dying, she knew she was dying, I don't think anyone else believed it. I think I was the only person that remained 100 percent committed to her, no matter what choices she made and never judged. I never will. I talked to her every single day, some days were good, some were not, she was sober for almost two weeks at the end. She was finally ready to make a change, but her body was not capable anymore and the toxins released from an unfunctioning liver, make your mind not capable either.
I felt it that day, I knew it, I knew it when I got to the hospital and she was jaundice and so very very sick, she called me mom and asked me to let her leave, I finally know she was ready to leave life, but then I thought she just wanted to leave the hospital, blood transfusions, plasma, IV's everywhere nothing would get her blood pressure up, they couldn't even do the procedure to find out where the internal bleeding was coming from. They told me her blood pressure was purely shock pressure, but I wasn't able to comprehend and told them to keep working, they did, I kept watching and eventually realized I had to stop being selfish and let her go. I made the decision to stop all treatments and she was gone within 20 minutes. I hope her pain gone with her.
The next week was a blur, I got the funeral arranged which was beautiful, she was cremated, her urn is 15 feet away from me. I progressed to dealing with her estate which is such a mess, ....then thank GOD I had to go back to work..... I was spiraling into madness....I don't know how to do this.
I have worked the past 4 days and have gotten by, people want to talk about it, mostly I just shake my head or say thank you, to "sorry about your loss" or I am ok when they ask how I am doing..I am not...But I walk away, because I don't want to talk about it, I don't even want to think about it. I don't want her to be gone. She is my best friend, she is the only person I have talked to everyday, she is the only person that my whole life has been. I wanted so badly for her to get better and go shopping or have a movie.
Im an off work now for two days and I know I have to deal with more of this, I know I need to focus and get things moving, but I feel GRIEF. I never knew grief, I feel so very sad that I cant even think straight, I am trying so very hard to even make myself drink water, I don't want to feel this way, I want to process through everything and move forward, I want to get her affairs in order, her house cleaned, I am halfway through this, but it is so hard.
Its forgotten by some, life just goes back to normal, I don't even know what normal is anymore, I don't know how to feel or what to do, I want to call my mom, she should still be here. Im angry sometimes, not at her or anyone, just angry. Im up and down, I forced myself to walk my dogs today to try and get back into a routine, I felt ok and came home and cried, I try to workout again and I have no energy or strength.
I have always been perceived as the strong one, the one that takes care of these things and I am trying and everyone just thinks I am doing it, Im not.
I know its going to get better. I read an article today that said I need to decide to let her go to feel better. I cant even comprehend that at this point, I don't want to let her go, I understand that she is gone, but why would I let go of HER? I also read that my grief is associated to guilt or giving me a sense of purpose, fulfilling a need, I didn't understand that either, I don't want to feel this way, I want to be able to get through the day, I want to process and be ok.
Im in a bad place and having a hard time figuring out how to deal with this. I wonder where she is, what really happens after death, if she is ok, I miss her, I miss her so much. I want to call her on my way to work and check on her.
I just wish she was still here. And I hope soon I understand how to start moving thru this...
I don't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone, I count the minutes until I can be home. In my solitude.
One thing I have learned through this is that people that have lost a parent do understand, those that have not think its another im sorry for your loss day...While I am not searching for sympathy or empathy, I am so desperately searching for enough self awareness to understand my feelings and all these sudden philosophical questions that wont leave my brain.....
I know this is rambing...but I have to get it out....... Thanks for listening

[optimize990h]

The grieving process is different for everyone. There is no set time or order of the grief stages. Feel free to come back to PC Forums whenever you feel the need to do so. Post and share your thoughts in this Grief and Loss forum of PC.

Take care.

[avlady]

I grieve for several people, and you're right, people don't know what it is like until it really happens. Try to stay strong, you are, as it sounds like in your post you seem to have grip on what it is your feeling, you know what it is, so go through the process. The process can change from day to day, and when it does there will be a point where you will be able to let go.I will pray for you too.

[Yoda]

[gayleggg]

Having lost my beloved mother, I do understand that it is pain like no other, when she has always been there for you. My mother was also my best friend. She died four years ago and I'm still dealing with the grief. I thought I had gotten past the grief to acceptance, but recently it has all flooded back in. I miss her so much it hurts. All I can tell you is that the pain of the loss, it does get easier but I doubt it ever quite goes away. There is always that emptyness that nothing can fill. We just have to learn to let go of the pain and remember the good parts. I'm still working on it.
Gayle