[toscana]

My mom was brought home essentially to die after her surgery for the broken femur. She went from stage 3 to stage 5 kidney failure in less than a month. She was lucid prior to her injury and now she is seeing and talking to family members who are dead. She says words but nobody can understand her. The docs have her on a cocktail of drugs for her pain from the surgery and to keep her comfortable while the process moves along. There is no recovery for her, only death. We were told before she was brought home it could take 6 months to a year but with the recent changes I cringe every time the phone rings or I get a text.

My problem here is that my family is urging me to go say goodbye to her. But my mom isn't there anymore. Sure she may be able to hear me but she doesn't recognize anyone. I can't bear to see her like this. I want to remember her the way she was before all of this happened. And then the funeral...I don't even want to think about that. For reasons I can't explain here I can't go. I explained why to my family but they just don't get it. I am so tired of arguing over everything. I am losing sleep and have anxiety so bad at times that I shiver.

I think if I could make my family understand the way I feel then I would be more at ease. It is still going to be difficult to go through but knowing that they don't hate me for my feelings I will be able to concentrate on taking care of the grief.

How do I deal with stubborn family? How do I get through these next few weeks, maybe months or longer? How do I stop the guilt I'm feeling for not visiting my mom?

[Gus1234U]

i understand far too well what you are saying. it's good that you are aware of your limitations, even if others don't seem to be able to understand. a big part of grieving is accepting what has happened, and allowing our feelings to arise and subside. be gentle with yourself~ take time~

there is a blog on recovery skills and mindfulness that helps me remember what to do, perhaps it will have something for you also~

C PTSD - A Way Out | A place to check in daily

sending you peace and calm~
Gus

[Frankbtl]

Firstly, I am really sorry about your situation. But I'd say don't automatically close the doors to whether you MAY want to see her or not. It may seem really painful but if there's a chance for you of a last connection/s if only on your side might you want that? Also have a think about how you might feel about your decision either way months/years down the line.
Although if you're deciding it's the right decision for you then there's nothing at all wrong with that. You're honoring who she was to you by holding/keeping that memory first and foremost in your mind. And members of your family can't possibly personally know the unique relationship you have had with you mum, the nature of your feelings regarding the relationship or how you feel about her illness so don't feel guilty about the choices you make in how you handle the situation now.
I'm guessing that they (some of them?) are just as torn by the situation as you even if they are handling things differently though- maybe??? So perhaps they are reading your reaction as in you don't care as much, which obviously isn't true.
So do you think that there are any more practical things you could do to help/for your mum which might not only make them feel a little better but you as well? That doesn't even mean you have to see her, maybe buying useful things to be delivered? Or even regularly sending flowers or gifts, I know they may very well not register with her but if there's just the very, very slightest chance they may at some point, even if just for seconds......
And keep in touch with members of your family, even if you're having to repeat at times to them the way you feel about the situation. They MAY begin to understand a little more when they know that you actually do care about the situation. Not only that this might be a time when you can talk more with them about your feelings and you can all support each other a bit more. You can also share some of those memories about your mum.
But maybe it could have a little more impact as well if you write down everything you feel about the situation and give it to them. I know when things like that are being discussed it can turn more into confrontation/defensive kind of interaction and less so "from the heart" so maybe.....??
But at the end of the day you really need to go with what feels right, I'm sure whatever you do will be for the right reasons.

[SeekerOfLife]

I remember the day I got the phone call that my mom had a heart attack and was not expected to live. I prayed and asked God to let me see her one more time to tell her in person that I loved her. I was granted that last precious request. My mom had a stroke one and a half days after I got there. After that, she did not know anyone or anything. We all chose to let her go. (It pains me greatly to remember this just now).

Take care of yourself. You are only one person. If you need help, ask for it. We here will be glad to help you shoulder some of your pain.