[Maven]

I thought there was a forum for those of us grieving, but I can't seem to find it. If I'm wrong for posting this here, please move it, Mods.

I lost my mom on January 15th. She was 80 years old. I love (present tense) her and miss her, and I still keep starting to pick up the phone to call her, or planning to see her when I'm in her area, and then I remember, I can't. She was in very poor health, with COPD, kidney problems, congestive heart failure, diabetes, and more. She got so she couldn't walk. After she went to the hospital from her apartment, she was back and forth from the hospital and the physical rehab/nursing home.

She wanted to go back home so bad, but never got to. I hated the day we (some of the nursing care staff and I) had to tell her she couldn't go back, unless she had two people to care for her. Unfortunately, she was obese (as am I), and didn't put forth much into trying to get better, so I think she kind of gave up. She was crying that day that we told her, and I still feel like smacking myself in the head for not taking the chair closest to her (she was at one end by herself, and I was on the side, with one of the staff between us), but I know I did it out of fear of knowing what was to come. I should have been there to hug her.

My sister is in poor health herself, and in another state, and couldn't make it down for the funeral. I wanted to be at the funeral, but my OCD won out. I am so angry at myself for not being there. I'm sure I'll be judged harshly, but that's just the way it will have to be. A few family members and friends were there, plus my boyfriend, but not her daughters. We had two pink roses put in her hands, to represent us. My boyfriend took some photos of Mom in her coffin. She looked peaceful. The flowers weren't quite what we'd ordered (light pink, light blue and light yellow flowers were what we wanted; it was more of a very pale rose-and-cream variety, although it did look nice).

They asked me the morning they called (it was about 10 after 6:00 a.m.) if I wanted to come see her body. They told me I could think about it and call them back. I felt like I did and I didn't. I talked with my boyfriend, and in the end, I didn't. I keep wondering if I should have; other times, I'm glad I didn't.

She was a wonderful woman, who helped out people others had given up on. We had hard times, but she was always there for me, and as I matured, I tried to always be there for her, too. I wish I could have been with her in her final hours. I saw her two days before, and had planned to visit her the day after I received their call. I wish I could have seen her one more time, but I at least held her hands a couple of times when I visited that Sunday before it happened; my poor sister hasn't been able to see her for seven years because of her health issues.

I have also learned that some people can be real "ghouls," as my boyfriend calls them, or "vultures," as my sister calls them. As soon as I called some of her friends to notify them, they wanted to know what we were going to do with her furniture, diabetic supplies and tools, TV, etc.! Her body was barely cold, and they were only interested in what they could get!

Anyway, I haven't been around for several months, just because I get so tired (I need to talk to my doctor about that again, because it's just not normal to spend up to 16 hours a day sleeping; however, I did talk to him before, and he believes it's my meds...what do I do now? I need my meds for my mental health, but it's ruining my physical health!), but I intend to start writing (for real, this time) and do something with my life. I am about to start reading a book to refresh my knowledge about writing and selling my work, and to learn more about publishing for today (I think I'll be trying to be a "hybrid author," which takes advantage both of traditional publishing and author-publishing).

I do want you guys to know, I think about you, even when I'm not around. I love our chats, even when they get heated (and sometimes, shut down!), because there's so many ideas and thoughts that are shared. Also, it's good to have support to fall back on, even if you're not in my real life. Yet you are, because you are real. The posts I read here, and the text I read in live chatting, come from real people, who care and want to help each other and offer support. We may not always agree, and we may not get each other's beliefs and ways of thinking, but we understand why we are here, and that's what matters. Thank you so much!

[Turtleboy]

im very sorry for your loss (((((maven)))))

[spoiledprince]

I'm so sorry to hear about this. My heart goes out to you, your sister and your boyfriend. She sounded like such a warm woman and I can imagine your pain. And please don't fret about seeing her, or any other things you can't change, I know it's hard to do so, but she was an understanding woman, and I'm sure she understands now why you did and do everything you do. May her love shine on you always! I hope you continue on strong and keep her proud of you. Much love.

[possum220]

You are in my thoughts.

Im so sorry for your loss

[Dino Troll]

I am so sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts.

[Gus1234U]

i hope you have whatever you need to get through these trying times, and relinquish any feelings of guilt or failure you might be carrying ~ it's what we do when people are alive that counts, not how we manage their death.

[gayleggg]

I know how hard it can be. I lost my mom 5 years ago and it still hurts sometimes, but I mostly try to remember the good times. My heart goes out to you and your family. Take your time working through the grief and ignore those who have a opinions that have no knowledge of your circumstances.

[KathyM]

(((Maven))) Gus is right. You did all you could possibly do for your mom, and she knew how much you love her. I think all the sleeping is a natural response. You've spent a lot of time in a state of worry. Your body needs some time to recuperate. It happened to me too after my parents passed. I worried about them for quite a few years, fighting back a feeling of dread at the thought of losing them.

Do what you need to do to care for yourself and continue on with your life. When your tears dry, I hope you'll be able to smile as you reflect back on the love you shared. It's a love that now holds a permanent place in your heart, and a love that will give you strength to keep on keepin' on.

[Rzay4]

Thank you for sharing, I can't begin to imagine what it's like to lose a mother. Sounds like you and her had a great relationship. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[NWgirl2013]

((((((((MAVEN)))))))) I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your enormous loss. My mom died about 7 years ago. It is a very strange feeling, when one's mother dies...I think no matter what your age there's the feeling of being orphaned.

[healingme4me]

Maven

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[eskielover]

Maven

I am sorry for your loss....I went through similar 9 years ago with my mother who wanted to be at home. It's never easy at that point in their lives for us to handle things.....& sometimes so many things go unexpressed.

My heart goes out to you & your family.....be nice to yourself during the grief process.

[lizardlady]

{*{*{*{*Maven*}*}*}*}

[waggiedog]

Hello and Good Evening dear ''Lizard''. Oh dear, where to start. I'm just so very sorry to hear of your huge loss, what could be worse than loosing a Mum eh? You've also had a good deal more of a lot of other issues to deal with too I know.

All I can hope for you, is that soon, some of the very gripping 'physical pain' may start to subside, and that way you may then start to heal mentally. I know it will be a long process and there are many steps along the way. I wish you well dear ''Lizard'' and do keep us informed of your progress.

I send you HUGZZ and lots of LOVES, as ever. XXXXXXXXXXXXX

[KC Steely]

Very sorry for your loss.

[IowaFarmGal]

Very sorry to hear about your loss. I hope others will be understanding and you will be patient with yourself as you work through this. Hugs (((Maven)))

[(JD)]

Awww I am saddened by your loss. I know we haven't always been good friends here, but a shared loss is connective.

My mom passed nearly 5 years ago. Just this morning I grabbed my phone on the way out to play with the dog, thinking I would call and check in on her. Well, then I did speak to her through heaven which was quite easy.

Be gentle with yourself. Time doesn't heal the wound but time helps in getting to where you can breathe again. Don't worry about family, goodness we all know how family will be--just like they always are--and your mom understands that best of anyone.

[Sabrina]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Fuzzybear]

Maven
I'm so sorry for your loss.

[toscana]

My mom passed on the 26th. What you wrote sounds like what I am dealing with. I especially agree with your "ghouls" statement. Isn't that the worst feeling?

I hope you can someday find some comfort.

[sunsetsunrise]

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. The passing of a parent is so deeply painful. May your heart somehow find comfort during this time.

I'm so sorry for your loss