[Haunted1]

So, I don't really know where to start with this or even why I'm telling you all this. I suppose that I'm hoping by telling someone the full story that I can cope better with it, and because I'm hoping that this story will help someone else.

About a year ago I wandered onto a facebook group page and soon stuck up a conversation with a young lady named Chris. She was a year older than I was and lived just one state away. We began talking one night about a bang that we both loved and she told me about different concerts of theirs she had attended. We both had the same tastes in just about everything from movies, tv-shows, music and even books. We began an easy going friendship.

Soon enough I was talking to her everynight and day. We barely went 20 minutes without talking and when I wasn't talking to her I was thinking of things to tell her. She was going to college while working at the college to pay her way through, and had her own apartment. I'm going through college and am currently unemployed.

Soon, we were talking about anything and everything under the sun. I told her everything and she told me everything. I told her things I didn't tell my family, things I didn't tell my best friends, things I told nobody and she always not only understood but could hold the conversation. I've never felt that close with anyone in the world. We began making plans to meet. I was going to have a friend drive me down and spend the weekend at her place, we were going to sight see. At this point she had seen what I looked like from my facebook picture but I'd never seen her * I don't know how*.
I asked for her to send me a picture and when she did, it was a man.
I messaged and asked if the man in the picture was her boyfriend and she laughed when she informed me she was a man. I was mortified and quickly signed off.

I had every intention of never speaking to him again, thinking that he had lied to me and it was a sick trap. As I read our old conversations I realized all the time he had said things that implied he was in fact a guy, I just didn't catch on. I felt stupid and slightly humiliated, but I missed out deep conversations and that connection that we had.

I looked at the picture and was also surprised to see that he was very attractive, in fact if I had to I wouldn't change a single thing about him.
It was then I remembered other chicks often trying to get his attention on the facebook page, they would also beg him to do different things like meet at the movies, he always turned them down but had always been open to me. I showed one of my close friends everything and asked what she thought her reply was simple. "You're in love with him and you don't know what to do" I realized she was right.

I'm a straight female, and I was 100% in love with Chris. Suddenly everything in life seemed okay. I wasn't afraid of my future because I knew it belonged with him. I'm not a person that just rushes into anything I take a lifetime just to decide what movie to watch, but I was positive that Christ was the one for me. I can't imagine my life with anyone else and I know that's crazy because I'd never seen him face to face, but what we had I've never felt with anyone. It wasn't physical it was emotional, mental, and so much more. It's like our souls were woven together and can't be parted.

I resumed talking to Chris, but I'm a shy person and I was so unsure of how he felt about me. I never brought up the subject of him being a guy and me being a girl. I assumed I had time. He asked me to come down with him for the weekend. I'm ashamed to admit I was in a relationship at the time, I wasn't a cheater and I felt guilty but I had spent 11 months talking to what I thought was a girl. I told him I needed time, and at first he said okay. Soon he would ask every time we talk saying for me to come to him. I always said I needed time. He began telling me that we didn't know how much time we had and I would laugh because we're so young. One day he even promised me that nothing sexual would happen. He offered to put me in a hotel to ensure that. I laughed again because at this point I was so hopelessly in love with him I wanted nothing more than to be physical. I again said I needed time and he said we might not have much.

One day he wrote me a song, he was going to school to be a musician. It was the first time I ever heard him sing or play guitar and I was blown away. The song was about how he knew everything about this "girl" how he knew her inside and out and he knew how she felt, but he knew if she played around it'd be too late for them. The chorus featured the line "Nobody wants to feel like nothing, nobody wants to be far too late" I let my friend listen to it and she said there's no doubt he was trying to tell me he was in love with me. He had tagged me in it saying it was for me.

The next day my computer crashed. I figured it wasn't a big deal and that I'd get it fixed soon enough. Thanks to medical bills and no insurance I wasn't able to get my computer fixed for about two months. When I went back I figured that Chris would be mad, but I thought I would be able to make him understand. When I signed onto the sight we talked on he wasn't there. In fact every post he ever made was gone, I searched his facebook page to find it deleted, as well as his band page. I was confused and went back to the page we met on only to stumble across a post of people discussing Chris.
He was dead, nobody said what happened or how he died only that it was a shame and they bet "That girl" He was crazy about didn't even know.

I ran off the page and spent the rest of the day trying to convince myself it wasn't true. I kept waiting for him to message me or show up at my house laughing about the joke, but of course it never happened. I was so humiliated by it all that I left the page without asking what happened. I can only assume he was sick and that's why time was so important to him. If he had told me he was dying I would have rushed to be there, I wouldn't have waited another second.

A part of me died with Chris. I go through the motions of my life, but he's never more than a thought away. He pops up at the worst times and it's hurts to even breathe. His birthday was in the summer he would have been 25. I spend it sitting at the park with my friends crying my eyes out. Every song I hear makes me think of him, the books I read make me think of him. I actually almost bought him a Christmas present. I was in the store and saw something and I told my best friend "how surprised would Chris be if I sent him this?" and then I realized what happened.

The thought of my life moving on isn't even remotely believable, I'm sure I'll get married and be in love with my husband, but it's not going to be the kind of love I had for Chris. I don't think I ever loved anyone like that, I didn't know you could love someone like that. I'm not a romantic person, I don't even watch romance movies because I find them ridiculous but I loved him like nobody ever loved anyone else. I try to spend time with friends and laugh, but I can be having a great day and then something little reminds me of Chris and suddenly I don't even want to try to go on. I have dreams about him, not nightmares I quite enjoy them mostly and wish I could stay asleep.
Given the chance I'd trade him places, I'd die so he could live if for one brief second I could see him in the in between.

My story is one I regret, but I hope by posting it I can gain closure and I want others to learn.
Love that person, you don't know how long you have. Say it, feel it, do it. Don't be scared don't hold back, just go for it.
I truly hope everyone on this page gets a chance to feel like I did with Chris. I hope everyone finds that one person who understand everything about you. I don't wish you a sad ending, but regardless of how it ended, Chris was the reason I'm alive and I hope everyone gets to experience that feeling.