[sunsetsunrise]

Hi
I cant be totally clear while writing this. I was deeply close with some people for many years. Maybe 7. I was mommy. And the devotion and love was deep. One year ago things changed for them. I cannot explain what. But this change had nothing to do with me.

The result of which is devistating though for me. Because my status went from pretty much at the top of their list to a status of she will talk to me if there is no one better around.

Sadly I was told at 8pm on new years eve that We, for the first time, would not be spending new years eve together. Now i am at the bottom of the priorities list. My heart has not changed. My feelings have not changed. My love has not changed. But grieving and loss is mine to contend with now.

I took some pills last night to sleep through new years eve. Of course not too many. Just enough to cause sleep. I woke at 3 in the morning. Then mercifully fell asleep again at 8am. But the grief doesnt dissipate. I have tried to move on for a year. But my heart just grieves. The agoraphobia is a beast. As is the social anxiety on steroids which is called Avpd. Which excludes me from being out in the world. Guess I am feeling sorry for myself. I cant find a therapist who accepts both kinds of insurance I have. Even my doctors office has tried to find a good t who accepts both ( both are needed for $ coverage) But I found a telephone thing for people who have social phobia. Three times a week there are phone meetings. I usually feel unsafe in chatrooms. So perhaps the phone social phobia meetings will work well for me. but they cannot stop my heart breaking from the loss. And this is why I write here. Its the depth of loss of those whom I love so much. Its knowing that I went from important to a status for so many years, to status of: if no one else is around I will say hi. Its been happening for a year. I wish the grief would end soon. I guess this is my new years wish. That I can heal from this grief and loss. Sorry if this is too self centered and sounds weak.

[nearchicogrl]

HI im sorry about your friend.It must be very hard to deal with the agoraphobia.I have social anxiety but it seems to be getting better with age thank god.I used to have a little agoraphobia but it was short lived.I am now going to be a mom and its changing me to better my life and make better decisions.If you would like to chat you can email me here.I hope to hear from you

[Hunny]

Sunsetsunrise:

I did not read this till just now. I just wanted to say thank you for the orange safe sleep sparkles last night.

Grieving is part of our experience this past year too. You are not alone in grieving. when two of the people passed, it was a shock and the other one was expected but passed way to young. There were two others one a no longer friend from the past and an aquaintance so it's been a bit of heavy year for loss and entwined throughout dealing with the loss of the non-H relationship.

Seems like you are taking a 'great' step by considering the phone calls. I started a job that so far has been working out and that kind of has helped me redirect my thoughts for the hours that I am there.

Walking with you Sun, and thanks again.

[sunsetsunrise]

nearchicogrl, how wonderful that you are going to be a mom !!! I am glad that the social anxiety and all that it brings, wanes with the years. That is fortunate. Thank you for the offer to chat. I so appreciate it... greatly

Hunny, I am so sorry to hear that you all have experienced so many losses this year. So many people exited this year. So many. I had to read my original post to understand your response about the phone thing. Oops. I guess I forgot to do it. This will have to be a rigid assignment. Thank you for the reminder.

As for the sparkles. I laughed at the color you used. Hunny, these were given to me to use as help for people. So each person who needs them is a gift. And you are a gift. I am so very serious when I say that. Congrats on the new job. I totally understand what you mean when you write that it helps you to redirect your thoughts while you are working. Glad to hear that

I think that I am not very good with loss. Some people are better than others. I have always been horrendous with it.

[bazzinga1990]

I would like to be ur friend and help you anyway I can even though I don't deal with an ed I can relate because ed is a coping thing like cuting which is what I have been doing lately and my grandma died back in 2010 but I still remember it like it was yesterday, I was very close to here and I loved get very much. I'm here when u want talk to me. Even though I don't really know you I honestly do care about you like I'm finding a lot of people on here do about me. we can talk about anything the weather's things you like to do for the problems you're doing with it doesn't matter to me, whatever you feel comfortable with. Just know that I'll be your friend and I will listen and I will also respond.

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[bazzinga1990]

You had commented on my post a while back and I wanted to return the favor. I also deal with depression I also deal with depression and anxiety so I know what that feels like.

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[bazzinga1990]

Oh and my brother deals with social anxiety so I know what that's like to in a Way being that me and him are close and I had to see him go though it.

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