[KatiePillar]

I was with her for 9 years.. we kinda mutually parted, because we couldn't agree on weather she would live with me in Ohio, or I with her in Nevada. Honestly I never stopped loving her. 9 years, I did want to marry her. But legally, I couldn't. Because gay people's love is obviously insignificant. Sigh, I digress..

I heard about it the day after, when her friend called me. I was beside myself. I didn't want to believe him. I couldn't. I wanted him to be telling a horrible joke. But it wasn't.
I'm here now, and I saw her. It wasn't her. When I looked at her.. she wasn't there.
And I feel as though she's somewhere, but I can't find her.
I do believe in a higher power.. it's just so hard.

I wrote something that I read at her celebration.

To the girl I was with for 9 years, and loved for many more.
I'm so glad you were a part of my life.
I loved our adventures with your friends. Our friends.
I loved your flaws.
I loved how you tried to be tough on the exterior, but in reality you were the biggest sweetheart on the inside.
You were always eating sunflower seeds.
My summers were filled with those memories.
Walking around with Cort, Ray, Austin, Gift.
We felt like such badasses. Being silly, carrying our swords around.
We would try to freak eachother out by telling the scariest story.
It literally felt like we ruled that tiny town.
I always felt safe with you.
My protector.
We eventually moved in together. It was hard, but I loved being with you.
Waking up to you every morning.
Our random drives to nowhere.
Having to fight over the xbox because we both wanted to play a different game.
Talking to eachother with our laptops even though we were a room away.
Chris, I love you so much.
You will always be in my heart.
I will keep you there, safe.
Just as I always felt with you by my side, no matter the distance.

[Sabrina]

That is a lovely tribute to her. I am sorry for your loss.

[gayleggg]

You have my sympathy. It is hard losing a loved one. Take your time going through the grieving process. Take care of yourself.

[ishiru]

it sucks to lose someone we love.i also lost my beloved gf almost 8 months ago and i couldn't forget her yet.but i believe she always beside me.so believe in her that she always be with you

[KatiePillar]

Thanks everyone. Since then I haven't been dealing with it. I've been avoiding it. Sure I'll talk to her family, but it seems so distant.

Sorry for your loss ishiru.
I know, I'm trying. I just feel so helpless. :c

[LaborIntensive]

It is sad but in knowing someone we
always keep their spirit close and
with us.

[KatiePillar]

Thanks..

But I'm still not accepting it, I can't.
I want her alive, I want her around.

I don't care if it's selfish.. There are just so many things I wanted to say to her that I didn't get to say.

[PTSD101]

Hey KatiePillar

I know it doesn't make any difference to how you're feeling right now, but I want you to know I am thinking of you, really feel for you and sending you heaps of hugs all the way from Australia

[KatiePillar]

PTSD101That's a nice thought.

[PTSD101]

I'm here quite often if you ever want/need someone to chat with