[eggplantlife]

Hi all.

I've had many griefs over these 8 years, but today, I want to write about my grief over a friendship.

About 2 years ago, I came back to NY when my family kicked me out of their lives. I contacted one of my friends and it was horrible experience where she was negative then didn't want me to be her friend anymore. I didn't deal with that issue emotionally because I had a lot going on with what my family did to me and then not having a job.

I don't even know where to start in my grieving process over this friendship. I really needed people who would be there for me. I saw that she was going through a lot of issues herself so I tried to think of it that way. From what I hear, she thought of that way about me that way too where I had a lot of issues going on. She said that she would always be there for me and such and when she kept saying negative things about me, I tried to take it in and listen. I just had a family tell me negative things about me for years and then to come back with her telling me negative things was too much to take. I thought she was like that with everyone but it seems that it was only with me.

I have thought about her once in a while, but I recently have one of her friend mention her. I'm beginning to feel bad again. I'm writing here because writing on the depression forum seemed to help me. I don't even know where to really start. I have a hard time talking about what happened. I guess, I've been in shock the way she treated me.

[gayleggg]

Sounds like the two of you were in bad places emotionally at the time you came back into her life. It is really hard to maintain friendships over distance through the years. We have experiences the other one knows nothing about and painful things happen that aren't shared. Sounds like to me your friend was in a negative place when you came back in her life and she let her furstrations out on you. But that's just my opinion. Hope things get better for you.

[eggplantlife]

Thank you grayleggg. I think that's pretty much what happened.

[Pikku Myy]

Glad you are writing eggplantlife Helps me cope things a bit better... Huggles

[Petra5ed]

That happened to me this year. For literally no reason, my best friend decided she didn't want me in her life after a decade of friendship. When I say no reason, I mean I asked her what I did and she would not tell me. I asked her to please tell me to give me a chance to apologize then, and she would not.

I ended up figuring she's a sociopath, and I no longer want anything to do with her. I look back on the relationship and feel good about my part, I bailed her out when she lost her job, etc etc. I certainly never did anything to hurt her.

I say if you did something then apologize and don't beat yourself up over it, everyone makes mistakes. If you didn't do anything, or they won't tell you why they don't like you anymore, then let it go. Some people are very cruel and they enjoy when others suffer. Some people might not be worth YOUR time. Usually anyone you have to hunt down to talk to falls in that category.

Grieving over a friendship is real. Sorry you're going through it. Hope it ends soon for you.

[eggplantlife]

Thank you Pinkku and Petra5ed. Hugs.

[nonightowl]

Eggplantlife,

This has been happening to me for years. My only consolation is that it happens to other people on this site.

Your post reminded me of a friend I knew almost 15 years who decided she wasn't talking to me anymore. She just quit talking to me. She didn't reply to my phone calls, e-mails, or snail mail. I was persistent, as I thought something could have happened to her.

She finally sent me an e-mail saying she's still around but her life is very different now and "old things drift apart." So, I'm an old "thing"? She said nothing is forever except marriage and family. (Not even those things are forever. Hasn't she heard of divorce? And family can desert you too) She said there's no why to it, it's just happens. **** her. Good riddance.

I'm NOW coping with another "friend" who's too "busy" for me. I've known her about 10 years. We had a break in communication for about 4 years starting in 2007, cause I got tired of being the one to initiate the contact. So I stopped calling her, since she never called me.

After resuming the friendship in 2011 (I told her she could make an effort too. I said it's a 2 way street), things were okay until early this year.

I haven't talked to her since early February. She knows she's my only friend, since my other friend was forced to move back home due to job & apartment loss.

I've called several times, and I've sent e-mails. She's "busy".

I asked in the e-mail is another few years going to pass, and she said no. She just doesn't have the strength now. Maybe something happened, but you'd think she give me a CRUMB of some kind: Example: I had a death in the family. Or whatever it is that keeps her from giving me just literally a few MINUTES of her time---say once a month.

Right now I feel more alone and friendless than ever in my life.

And to make it more painful, my emotionally distant mother said SHE's been "busy" when I mentioned I haven't heard from HER. She expects ME to do the contacting.

****

I wish the world would end. Only my friends on PC and the one that moved away aren't "busy" enough to hear me.

Maybe the new support group I joined will help. Obviously, those people are there to be heard too. I'm going to ask what they think about this "friend."

[eggplantlife]

Yeah, I had a divorce and my family deserted me...all those painful things then the friend deserted me...

I understand what you mean about you doing all the contacting. Sometimes I feel this and I get upset, but I don't tell the people that.
Nonightowl,

I hope the support groups help.

Right now, I'm living in a situation where I am living with my friend. I don't know anyone else here. I feel isolated. So I'm going to a church to be around people, but I don't believe in what they believe. I don't know how well that will go.

Hello eggplantlife,
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I can relate to you also, last year I lost in touch with a friend and I have no idea on what happened to her. She won't answer my phone calls, text me back or anything else. Pretty upset about all it and I eventually stopped trying to reach out to her cause it always left me crying in the end.

My heart goes out to you and I can understand to how you feel about losing you're friendship. Friendships are very important and they help you balance you're life when you're feeling down in life. My heart broke a little when she stopped talking to me and I'm sure you felt the same way. If you ever need someone to talk too or get upset please send me a pm. I'll try to help you as much as I can. And I'm happy to know you're in a safe place right now- that's the best thing for you.

[eggplantlife]

Thanks blueweepingrose. I hope we all find new friends who will be there for us as we would for them.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by eggplantlife

Yeah, I had a divorce and my family deserted me...all those painful things then the friend deserted me...

Originally Posted by eggplantlife

I understand what you mean about you doing all the contacting. Sometimes I feel this and I get upset, but I don't tell the people that.
Nonightowl,

I hope the support groups help.

Right now, I'm living in a situation where I am living with my friend. I don't know anyone else here. I feel isolated. So I'm going to a church to be around people, but I don't believe in what they believe. I don't know how well that will go.

At least you're living with a friend. I hope this one is sincere.

I forgot to say that I had a couple of online friendships that went kaput too. Two of these people I wrote to for almost two years, and I even talked to one on the phone a couple of times. They both stopped writing to me.

I used to have an online friend from this community for people who are friends/family of people with mood disorders. She was a strong support system for me, for about one and a half years. She said she felt a bond with me too.

She stopped writing, so I tried sending her a message. She wrote back, saying she's sorry, but she no longer needs or wants to come to the site. BUT, she gave me her e-mail address so we could still write.

That lasted only a month or so. Then she stopped writing. Why give me your e-mail address if you're not going to write?

Also had an online friend from a beauty community. Superficial interaction, but I still enjoyed it. I haven't heard from her in 6 months.

People keep dropping off the face of the earth in my life.

Yesterday, I was wondering if one is better off without friends, unless this person or these people are GENUINE. Otherwise, you can't count on anyone but yourself.

I called my brother (we haven't spoken in years) to try to break the ice. He didn't call me back.

I mentioned to my mother that I haven't talked to her in months, and she had the nerve to say it's a two way street, and I can call too. That's the point she's missing: I ALWAYS am the one to call. Using my words against me. Pissed me off.

She said she's been "busy".

My other "friend" is "busy."

My call doesn't get returned from my only sibling.

[eggplantlife]

Yes, I do feel like I do all the contacting. It used to bother me. At certain point, I didn't call people and they didn't call. It's just a matter of if I need to talk to them. I do need to or I would be alone. I'm glad if they take my calls. I don't tell them that I feel like I'm doing all the work and that it is two way street because it seems it isn't a two way street. They seem to be happy living their lives without me. I'm just happy that they still talk to me. If they don't then they don't. I do feel hurt but what can I do? It is their choice and their life. I try to be the best friend I can be even with the depression that tells me otherwise.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[nonightowl]

IMO, it's not a true friendship if not a two-way street. I'm just talking about me. I won't put up with it. Friends should receive and give support, not just receive it.

I've supported many people, but now that I'm in real need, nobody is there for ME.

I've lost contact with "friends" over the years due to the one way initiation of contact. I've never regretted, never looked back, etc.

I'm about to give up on this one "friend" I posted about earlier. No way am I going to try to contact her again. If she does ever call me, I'm not even sure if I'm going to answer the phone now. Maybe I shouldn't have answered it all those years ago, resuming the friendship.

I only did so because there had been much invested in it, and I thought I might still find it worth resuming.

[eggplantlife]

It's me that need a lot of contact and discussing my problems. So I know I can write a lot about what is going on. While people won't take my calls, I'm glad that they write back. It can be overwhelming what I write and all. So I'm really grateful that they are still around. They could abandon me like my family. I guess that's why I'm very grateful for what little I have. I know it is 2 way street. I just think that I'm not showing them the happy side of life and those who still let me express myself, I am grateful and to those who have said nice things to me and help me remember that I was a good and talented person once.

[eggplantlife]

Nonightowl, the last message was for you. I also went through a great deal of time that I had no friends so I'm thankful for the friends I do have.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by eggplantlife

Nonightowl, the last message was for you. I also went through a great deal of time that I had no friends so I'm thankful for the friends I do have.

I have just one sincere friend I'm thankful for. I'm not talking about the woman I posted about.

I do draw the line, and she's getting close to that line. I've been down this road before, and I really don't like one-way streets. I'm giving it some more time, then I'm cutting her loose. I brought it up in my new support group, and a few women said cut her loose. A couple offered their listening ear, saying I can call THEM. One said, "You need better friends."

Of course, with being burned by this "friend" and others, I'm taking it with a grain of salt. But I still keep it in mind.

[gnat]

I get what you're saying. I lost two very good friends. The first was a female friend who just simply quit returning my calls (this was back before email), started avoiding me, and eventually quit acknowledging me when we were in the same room. I would talk to her and she'd act as if she didn't hear me. She denied to our mutual friends that anything was wrong, saying it was all in my head. It took me years to quit grieving the loss of that friendship, and I still get anxious when we run into each other now that nearly 20 years have passed.

Last year I lost another friend. His wife thought we were having an affair (we weren't). Our friendship was almost entirely online and one day I get a message saying he had to end it, his marriage depended on it. He said we could write a few more messages "to wrap things up" but when I responded when a heartfelt message of what our friendship meant to me, he never responded. Three months later I was horribly depressed and was working on a suicide plan (not only did my friend reject me, there were a lot of other life stressors and confiding in this friend was how I had been dealing with life for years) when I had a crazy idea to send him an email and invite him for coffee. He said yes and we talked about what had happened. It became clear to me he had no idea how hard this was going to be on me and wanted to make things right. I was hurt at how things were going so well in his life since I was gone, but worked to be happy for him. He said he'd be there for me, that we could write again. It lasted a couple weeks and then he told me he was really busy, putting in extra time at work and mentioned stuff going on at home. Finally about a month ago I sent another message to his person email (we were writing through psych central at that point and he quit coming on here) even though I know he doesn't want me to and he admitted our friendship was over, it wasn't about not having time, it was about not wanting to sneak around behind his wife. I know I have to stay away even though I hate her and the way she treats him, it's not my decision to make. He doesn't want me in his life and the rejection is unbearable. It's been nearly a year, but it still hurts.

I often wonder what is wrong with me. I've brushed people off before in my life, I'm no one to judge others who do it to me. Why can't I let go? Why do I attach so strongly to people? I feel it's not normal.

And no, I have no intention of going to therapy- one more person who'll leave. No thank you.

[eggplantlife]

Sorry for your loss gnat. Hugs.

[sleepy47]

Hello Eggplantlife,
I too am going through a great deal of grief after the termination of a friendship which meant a lot to me. I was friends with this boy for over two years, and we were very close. He gave great advice, but because of this I always came to him when I needed help or guidance. I think this is what might have driven him away. I became reliant on his help in times of need and consequentially became very clingy. He just cut me out for a while, so I made a real effort to better myself and then contacted him asking for a second chance. (To be precise, I redrew a picture that he had been encouraging me to redraw for a long time which I had been refusing because of my poor motivation.) I spent two days on the drawing and an awful lot longer motivating myself to do it and trying to mature and develop personally, and then he just threw it back in my face. I had made so much effort but he wouldn't even give me a chance to prove myself. I had made it perfectly clear that I didn't want him back as my counselor, only as my friend but he refused to even try for a day. It hurt more than anything I've ever felt.
There is nothing worse than losing somebody you trusted to always be there. It must be even more difficult for you because you never got a chance to mourn properly. I can't guarantee that it will ever get completely better, because my heart is still shattered from my own experience, which wasn't all that recent. However, the wise and worldly mother of another friend told me that in order to make someone like you, you must give them space. If they really care about you, which deep down they usually do, they will come back in their own time. At that point it is up to you whether or not you accept them back into your life.

[eggplantlife]

Hello sleepy47,
That's a real nice saying in the end. I'm afraid, I tried to contact her the other day through email. I also tried to contact my sister who have cut me out of her life. I know they don't want anything to do with me and given them space, but something in me told me I should contact them. I guess, I just have to go through the process to finally accept the situation. This is the second time someone mentioned about it's being up to me if I accept them back. It's interesting to me to think that way since all I feel like is I've been begging them to accept me. Thank you. You've help me.