My mother died 4 weeks ago today.

I posted on the depression section about my mom and someone suggested I should write about it here...I didn't know this section was here.

My mom died of cancer and I'm grieving. It has brought back my depression big time. It's tough because she was emotionally abusive my whole life...so is my father. He has gotten so much more abusive since she passed. I feel guilty.because im also relieved that she can't hurt me anymore. Yes I'm in therapy and it helps take the sting out of it but I'm still struggling. She and I talked often as I felt that she needed someone to talk to about her problems. Neither parent was able to show me love...they live/lived their lives in utter turmoil.

I'm upset that my depression is back. I know it's normal but I still can't stand it. My ad was recently increased at the hospital and I was feeling much better. Then mom died and I went hypo manic for a week then crashed hard. I'm glad she's not in pain anymore and I still wake up in the morning thinking I should call her to see how she's doing.

I need some support...to know that these conflicting feelings I'm having are ok. Im really sad that she died and I want.this depression gone. I feel conflicted...any suggestions? My father is just yelling at my sister and I all the time. He wants to go into assisted living one minute then he wants to sell the farm. Then he wants someone to live there with him but says he doesn't want to take any help. He's grieving yes but he's always been this way with us. I.just can't win. I feel so guilty...any help would be so helpful. Thank you for listening.

I'm sorry... I've never been good at consoling but I understand what you're going through in a way. Yes, conflicting emotions and contradicting thoughts are "normal" in a situation like that. It may take a while to sort out. The guilt... it isn't yours so try not to accept it. Also I've found that sometimes emotions seem to masquerade as other emotions.

i know all this must be terrible for you, littlemiss44, but it's even more important now that you take care of yourself. here is a post from the Emotions forum on self soothing. i hope it has something to offer you:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/copin...-emotions.html

when emotions become overwhelming, having the skills to manage them is crucial. even tho the following were developed for anxiety and panic, i have found them to be equally useful for other emotions.

Self Comforting Skills

we are social creatures, but getting what we need when we need it from another is not always available. here are some of the suggestions from the DBT handbook on Self Soothing Skills:

think of soothing each of your FIVE SENSES

1) Vision: Notice what you see, find soothing things to look at.
(i go to a blog that has lovely pictures: C PTSD - A Way Out | A place to check in daily

2) Hearing: Pay attention to what you can hear around you.
(put on your favorite music...)

3) Smell: Be aware of the memories that smell can bring.
(i like to do aroma therapy. there are many Essential Oils for that.)

4) Taste: Carefully savor flavors that the day brings you.
(keep a favorite hard candy on hand, for the little sugar boost, too.)

5) Touch: Find comfort in touch.
(keep a special pillow or blanket with a favorite perfume on it.)

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy/Distress Tolerance Skills/Self-soothing - Wikibooks, open books for an open world

these are not listed, but i find them handy, too:

A) Reassurance: Tell yourself that you are OK, safe and unharmed.
(the danger is past, you have survived this before and now
you are stronger and more skillful than then.)

B) Take Action: Go for a walk, or exercise or clean house or cook. (use your
body's natural focusing powers to leave the emotion behind.)

C) Refocus: Think about pleasant things. Push the hurtful thoughts away.
(have a hobby or a story, or a book that you like, to take your
mind to a better place.)

Coping With Strong Emotions:

1. Remember, strong feelings are just exaggerations of normal bodily stress reactions.

2. Sensations are neither harmful nor dangerous - just unpleasant. Nothing worse will happen.

3. Emotions are temporary. Instead of fighting, relax into it. Just let it be.

4. Focus on facing the feeling rather than trying to avoid it or escape from it.

5. Stop adding to the panic with frightening thoughts of where panic will lead.

6. Stay in the present. Be aware of what is happening to you rather than concern yourself with how much worse it might get.

7. Notice that when you stop adding to panic with frightening thoughts, the fear begins to fade.

8. Wait and give the feeling time to pass.

9. Look around you. Plan what you will do next as the emotion subsides.

10. When you are ready to go on, do so in an easy, relaxed manner. There is no hurry.

11. Think about the progress made so far despite all the difficulties.

Some Specific Actions:

1. Manage your breathing, if it is rapid, breathe into a paper sack to lower oxygen uptake;

2. Count your breaths, 1001, 1002, 1003, ect, up to 1020, then start again, slow down the count to slow your heartbeat. counting interferes with emotional feelings;

3. Delay doing anything about your anxiety or emotion, just follow the steps and focus on getting thru it;

4. Distract yourself, with anything that requires you to focus and is simple and handy - at home you might read something easy, like a magazine, or knit or wash dishes, whatever engages your attention;

5. Eat something to replenish the blood sugars that adrenalin has burned up, and give yourself at least 15 minutes for the kidneys to clean out the 'ashes' in your blood;

6. Write these things down and keep them with you, until you have made them a habit

practice these skills before you need them, or when you are just mildly upset, so they will be familiar when you are feeling very upset. i hope you find this information helpful~

best wishes~
Gus

Thank you so much for helping me George and gus. It's so nice to know that other people care. Gus I really needed to hear the skills you listed. I went thru dbt training about 4 years ago and I've forgotten alot of it. I'm going to write the skills you wrote to me so I can always access them. They sound so helpful...I think it will help me not feel so guilty too. I love my mom with all my heart...I know she didn't know any better than what she could give me. The only way she knew how to show me love was by buying me things. I would have much rather been shown real love but I didn't get it. She only knew fear and anger which is why she abused me. Her absence has made me feel empty...when I would call her she would just ***** and complain but I knew she needed me. She had no one else to really talk to about her problems. I would try and give her healthy skills to deal with her negative emotions. She would think they were good ideas but she wouldn't implement them. She was just a sick alcoholic who didn't know how to use healthy coping skills. I.just miss being there for her no matter how she was with me. Thank you again for your kindness.