[Pinkachu93]

I know it will be a selfish post, so I'm apologizing at the beginning. I'm sorry.

Someone passed away in the family of someone who is close to me (I don't want to write more exactly, sorry). The funeral will be held very soon, in a few days. I knew the person who passed away, I liked her although I didn't know her too well. Of course it is a duty that I HAVE TO go to the funeral.

I'm freaking afraid of the entire ceremony. I have depression and I'm already going 'up and down'. I don't like anything sad. Sad movies? No. I watch only comedies and animated movies (in which I tend to just skip the dramatic part when I'm watching a DVD at home). Sad books? Only if it's a required reading for uni, but for me that's difficult to cope with. I'm constantly avoiding sad places and such. And now, I will have to spend a relatively long time at a place full of sorrow. I just don't want that. Really. Currently I'm feeling down partly because of this. I haven't attended a funeral since I was about 10 years old. I don't remember what that was like but that also hit me hard (even though I barely knew the deceased family member back then).
What will happen then? Will I fall lower than ever before?

Possible trigger:

I had a weird time at high school when I only wore black clothing for months and I've been 'grieving' because all my friends will die one day and everyone will leave me all alone...

So now what I'm trying to do is
1) suppress all my bad feelings and try my best not to let them show (I will just remain serious)
2) be as happy and cheerful as I can possibly be until before the day of the funeral, so it might not hit me as hard. For example, I will meet soon with my favourite jewelry designer. I'm also making jewelry and I told her that I'm a crafter too, and she wants to see my creations! I'm so excited to show her some pieces I made!
Maybe this way I can go 'up' a bit and the falling 'down' again won't be that bad?

Still, I have no idea how this will go. I'm afraid of being even more depressed. My mind is dark enough, I don't want more darkness from anywhere...I just want to run away and escape...but I can't. I don't even know how to cope with this...

[sideblinded]

Pinkachu93, I am sorry for your loss. I understand exactly what you are talking about here as I just lost a friend and went to her viewing 2 days ago. I have depression as well. I had it pretty bad during the days that preceded the viewing and when I went. She was more of a friend of 2 friends of mine but I still loved her as a friend. My friends knew that I was depressed and they said that I didn't have to attend either the viewing or the funeral. I was so torn about it. It took me all day to get up the strength to go to the viewing. I made it and I had a release of tears. The funeral was the next day and I decided that I just couldn't go. It was a good decision for me.

Is there anyone who knows that you are depressed and would be understanding if you didn't go? I was fortunate enough to have supportive friends. I was glad that I made it to at least one function to say my good-byes. One way to look at this is to ask yourself..... Will I feel worse later on if I don't go? This person would want you to be ok and safe. They would want you to take care of yourself, right? So it is a decision that you have to live with. I was afraid to go but I was glad that I did. I met myself half-way. I hope that you find the right answer for yourself as there is no wrong answer to this one. Peace be with you. In all sincerity and regards.

[Pinkachu93]

Originally Posted by sideblinded

Pinkachu93, I am sorry for your loss. I understand exactly what you are talking about here as I just lost a friend and went to her viewing 2 days ago. I have depression as well. I had it pretty bad during the days that preceded the viewing and when I went. She was more of a friend of 2 friends of mine but I still loved her as a friend. My friends knew that I was depressed and they said that I didn't have to attend either the viewing or the funeral. I was so torn about it. It took me all day to get up the strength to go to the viewing. I made it and I had a release of tears. The funeral was the next day and I decided that I just couldn't go. It was a good decision for me.

Is there anyone who knows that you are depressed and would be understanding if you didn't go? I was fortunate enough to have supportive friends. I was glad that I made it to at least one function to say my good-byes. One way to look at this is to ask yourself..... Will I feel worse later on if I don't go? This person would want you to be ok and safe. They would want you to take care of yourself, right? So it is a decision that you have to live with. I was afraid to go but I was glad that I did. I met myself half-way. I hope that you find the right answer for yourself as there is no wrong answer to this one. Peace be with you. In all sincerity and regards.

Aw...I'm sorry for your loss too. I'm glad you're lucky to have such supportive friends. Here my situation is different because no one knows this except just a few friends, most of them are online. I just can't go and tell my family "Sorry, I have depression with some other issues too" because they are rather conservative and they think all these mental disorders equal craziness...In another post of mine I wrote about burnout, I haven't even told them uni is just too much for me so I can't finish it in time. I'm just too scared. I think it would be the same as with my wasp phobia, there they just told me to behave and stop acting so stupid, or else they will bring me to a psychologist who will "teach me some good manners". So they just threatened me with something that could've actually helped, but of course this caused me to be afriad of therapists and basically every kind of professional people who might be able to help now. I'm still afraid of these kinds of people...(not because of what my parents told me back then but because I tried speaking with the school counsellor in high school and that didn't help at all. What would be different this time?).

Regarding the funeral, I must go, so I will go. Especially since I can't tell anyone anything about my issues.
I might feel worse if I didn't go.

Possible trigger:

And I'm in another self-hating mood, so I actually think "Pinkachu deserves to suffer more because she's a worthless piece of trash".

Thank you for your reply (and that question whether I would feel worse if I didn't go, I was thinking only getting worse with depression I didn't even think about this!). I wish you all the best.