[mooncat1]

I don't know how to begin how much I miss my mom & how hard the grieving process is taking a toll on me. My mom died just a little over a year ago when she was struck and killed by a semi-truck on her way to work. I cannot help but to feel so guilty and like I contributed to this happening to her. I was with her the day before doing errands and trying to bond with her a bit more since our relationship hasn't always been stable. My mom & I are very alike, which means we're both stubborn, opinionated, & we want things our way. Because of that, we've argued more times than I can count & I couldn't stand being around her most of the time.

Now since this was February of last year, I made the new years resolution that I was going to bond with her more and create a healthier relationship between us that didn't involve getting angry or annoyed at each other. The day before her death, I decided to run some errands with her in hopes that we could spend a bit of time together. It was a pretty long day due to all the stuff we needed to do, and before we headed home, we needed to stop at the store for a few groceries. By the time we were finished shopping, my mom couldn't find her keys. We searched the store literally 8 times and we had no luck and we had to call a tow-truck to get home.

The next day, my dad found out that we lost the keys, he had a couple more made but they wouldn't be ready until a couple of hours after my mom had to go to work. We only had one working car at the time. My dad tried to convince her to stay home until the keys were done, but the stubborn person she is, she told my dad to drop her off at the bus stop so she can go to work. It wasn't until 4 in the afternoon that day that someone from the coroner's office came to our house and told us that she had been struck by a semi-truck while crossing the street on her way to work.

I have never felt this miserable & guilty in my life. If I was watching my mom's stuff more closely while we were grocery shopping, she wouldn't have lost her keys, which was the reason she had to take the bus to where it dropped her off almost street away from her work, and got killed.

We had to get her cremated because of how badly she looked and was affected, as said by the person from the coroner's office. I remember feeling numb when it happened, and didn't affect me much until we got her cremated remains. I also suffer from clinical depression as well as anxiety, so having my mom die on top of the things I already have been going through was the thing that made me hit rock bottom.

Not even a month later, I started experiencing strange things. One night, I looked at my mom's remains and couldn't believe that was her.. I went to bed after that because of how sad I was just thinking about how that she's in that box. I also suffer from insomnia, I was tossing and turning for hours until I saw this ghostly figure in my room. I have never experienced anything paranormal in my life. I was scared to say the least. I hid underneath my blankets as the ghostly figure kept getting closer to my bed. I was shaking so bad from fear & then heard my name being said in my mother's voice. Once I heard that, I took the blankets off to see nothing there anymore. I've also experienced something else very strange.. It was a couple of nights later when this happened. I don't know if I was sleepwalking or dreaming or not, but I remember getting out of bed, seeing my brother scared and shaking and told me to go to my dad's room (he works nights) because someone wanted to see me. So I grabbed my phone and put on my glasses and saw the most disturbing thing laying on my dad's bed. It seemed to be my mom, but it was her after she got hit. I couldn't recognize her whatsoever. She was in horrible shape. I sat down next to her, took off my glasses, and started sobbing. I was telling her how much we all miss her & how miserable I've been doing. I remember touching her and how cold she felt and she was in pain. She didn't talk much, or at all really. She didn't have a mouth.. Then I checked my phone, and realized my dad was coming home soon and left to go to my room. The next day, I couldn't find my glasses that I always leave on my dresser, and my dad woke up and was holding my glasses because he found them on the side of his bed. This has been only happening to me, and I don't know why. It just makes me feel more crappy & like I never got to say good bye to her. I've had so many other dreams with her in them since then, only disappointed to wake up & realize she's still gone.

This has been affecting my relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years and has made us argue on numerous occasions because he couldn't understand why I felt the way I did. My dad & brother were freaked out when I told them all of this, and we slowly started drifting apart because they couldn't understand the things I was telling them. I had to drop out of my second semester of my senior year of high school because everything was so overwhelming. I don't know how to let go and accept that she's gone. It still doesn't feel 100% real to me how everything happened.. I am going to start going to grief counseling and I've been taking meds since I was 14 (I'm 18 now).

I just need some support..perhaps some words of encouragement. This still weighs so heavily on me & I don't know what I should do anymore

[sideblinded]

(((mooncat1))) I am so sorry for your mom's loss. I also lost my mom to cancer 18 years ago so I can tell you that time is the biggest help as far as lessoning the pain. You will always miss your mom but she is in a better place than this earth. I can assure you that it was not your fault. I don't know if you believe in God, and I won't go any further there but when it is our time, it is our time and no one can stop it if it is our time. She has only been gone a little while as the grieving process takes many stages and sometimes we get stuck in a stage and we hold on because we don't want to let them go. There will be a time when you can let go and believe that it was not of your doing. You sound like you have a wonderful and sensitive heart and that heart of yours that your mom gave you is going to lead your way in life.

When my mom died and I was driving one night, I saw lightening bugs come from no where and I hadn't seen lightning bugs in years.....I felt my mother's presence as if she was lighting my way. Even though my mom's death was from illness. I too still felt helpless and hopeless. I pray that your healing is a fast journey and I wish you only the best. In all sincerity and my best regards.

I want to welcome you to psych central. I hope that you keep reaching out at home and here as we are a very supportive community. If there is anything that I can do for you please PM me by clicking on my name and send me a private message. You can contact any community liaison or moderator for help in navigating this site.

I wish you harmony and peace in everything that you do.

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central mooncat. I am so sorry for your loss and the grief you feel. I know it is difficult to hear, but it is not your fault. They call that feeling of guilt, survivors guilt. If I had done this things would have been different. Many victims of trauma suffer from that.

You are not alone. There are many nice, caring people here. Feel free to private message me or any community liason by left clicking on their name underlined in blue to the left of the post and selecting Send a private message to .....[their name]

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[healingme4me]

((((Mooncat1))))

It's a necessary step seeking out grief counseling. Quite a traumatic event, that's life altering. Trauma stress can wear a person down and can feel completely out of character.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[darkest days]

I am very sorry for your loss. I have dreams of my brother, mom and dad that seem so real only to wake up to the reality of them being gone. The most recent loss was my brother that I was caretaker of. I feel guilty because he depended on me to take care of him. Grief takes time to get through. I hope you feel better as time goes on.

[Lexi232]

im so sorry for your loss, i know how hard this must be for you.
but please know that in no way is this your fault

[peaceseeker63]

I am so, so sorry that you lost your mom in that way. You did nothing wrong and it was not your fault! My mom died in April 2014 and it has been a very difficult year for me. I've only dreamt of her once, but it was very similar to yours. My mom's body was laying on her old bed, and was very cold and stiff. But I was so happy to see her!!! I laid down next to her and just hugged her and cried, and told her how much I missed her.
I go to a weekly grief group to help me process my feelings. Is there one in your community? Contact your local hospital to check. Also, Since you were not able to see your mom after she passed, I think it makes her death harder to take be because there is always the question ...is she really gone? Everyone grieves at their own rate and on their own way. I hope you can get some support for your very profound loss.

[Ruftin]

(((((())))))

[KEB1990]

Dealing with my mom's death too. Its been two months and it really hurts . I can't for sure know how you feel but I got a understanding. Not sure what to say to make you feel better but you can know your not alone in this.

[wolfgaze]

Mooncat are you still viewing/checking this thread? Let me know... Thanks