For my brother

*** Duplicate post ***

I posted this in Creative but have felt weird about it all day. I know, I know, it's a piece of writing and should go there, but it's not really about the writing. It's not like I wrote on this to be creative. I wrote it because it needed to be written. I feel better putting it here.

STEPPING STONES

1986
Purple crocus pop their heads out of the hard, damp earth to raise their faces to the sky. The warmth of the sun's rays in April are weak at best and today the faint breath of spring is cool against my skin. The scent of hope and renewal lingers in the air.

Hand in hand, step by step, we make our way along the trodden path that leads to a craggy ledge. The woods, teeming with new life, are filled with hints of color. Neon green as buds get ready to burst. A lonely pink Lady Slipper tucked under an evergreen. Red-breasted robins chirping from their nests.

My future husband pauses and stoops. Brushing aside some dirt, he unearths his new found treasure and wipes off the mud. Pleased with his find he hands it to me, his smile a boyish grin. To him it's a quirky, heart-shaped stone. To me, the smooth gray heart that I hold in the palm of my hand, symbolizes one more stepping stone towards our future together. I slip the heart into my pocket. I'll treasure it for life.

**********

1996
I gaze out over the pond from my spot on the hill and feel comforted for a brief moment. The yellow, bell-shaped flowers of forsythias play peek-a-boo with the delicate pink blossoms of plum trees. These splashes of color bring life to this place of final resting. Brings peace to those who mourn.

I brush the light coating of dirt off the plaque that bears my brother's name. It's the first time I've seen it. First time I've been home since his death. From where I sit, I can see my other brother's headstone. At least they're within view of each other.

I will not visit his grave today. One brother at a time.

"I'll have the best seat in the house for Superbowl games," he said when he told me he was dying. Time stood still. The words exchanged were simple. "I don't want you to die." And then I was five. And he took my hand in his and walked me to my first day of school. Brought me right to my classroom. "I don't want you to leave," I said. But I didn't cry. Not then.

Hand in hand. Brother and sister. Eye to eye.

"Here," he said. "I want you to have this." He slid a stone out of his pocket. It was smooth and glossy, no bigger than my thumb. "It's my worry stone. I've worn it down. It used to be a boulder." I smiled through my tears. It was a symbolic gift. A solid bond. A stepping stone on the rocky path of life. The path of death. I slipped it into my pocket. I'd treasure it forever.

**********

2006
I am empty handed as I sit on the hill and cry. A jogger passes by, running laps around the pond. But I don't care, I cry anyway. It's my right. It's what I know. Unlike the jogger, I'm tired of running. Grief won today Tomorrow I'll try again.

I take in the sights. The same flowers. The same view. The same emptiness. I will visit my other brother's grave today. I can handle two at the same time now. I am stronger. I have grown.

The earth had settled just enough around my brother's plaque so I don't have to dig much. I reach in my pocket and take out the smooth, heart-shaped stone my husband had given me all those years ago. I slip it underneath the corner of the discolored brass marker where his name stares back. It seems fitting to place it back in the dirt from which it came. A symbol of my love. A stepping stone towards my healing.

Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.

Brother and sister. Heart to heart.

SJN © 2007

((((pet))))

(((((((((((PETUNIA))))))))
Take care Soidhonia

Thanks for the hugs and hearts everyone.

(((((((((Petunia))))))))))

You have brought me to tears reading this. I'm so sorry for your losses hon.

Hugssssss
J

Well, I made it through the dreaded anniversary.

I never think I will, but I do.

(((((((( Petunia )))))))))

(((Petunia))) A very emotional piece of writing that envoked a very emotional reaction. But in a good way.

((( radio )))

((( Sabrina )))

(((((((((Pettttttuuuuuunnnnnniiiiiiaaaaaaaa)))))))))))

(((((( Petunia ))))))))

((( Gemstone )))

Thanks for the support.