[Creme Brulee]

Hi all,

I'm new here. My estranged father has passed away 11 days ago of cancer. I didn't know he had cancer. I had to keep contact to him very minimal because he had a massive gambling problem and well...he basically messed it up with the entire family because he threatened to kill himself several times if we were not to send him money for his gambling. In fact, the 'gambling' was more him sending millions (!) to E-mail scammers (usually from Nigeria, Ghana etc.). He was a highly intelligent man (a brilliant scientist) and for some incomprehensible reason believed that he would one day have this promised 12 Million cheque as promised by those crooks. My father, according to some psychologists I have visited in the past, shows behaviours to those who are termed 'sociopaths'. He beat up my mother for pretty much 25 years while they were together (she dies of an overdose of antidepressants when I was 17, 13 years ago). He is also a liar and well...never seemed to ever take responsibility for his behaviour. He always blamed others, including my mother, for everything. For my 30th, 3 months ago, he sent me a long e-mail explaining what an awful ***** my mother was and that she should have known that 'she would not get away with behaviour like this'. In essence, I told him to ***** off and to never contact me again.

Three months later I was found by my embassy abroad (he never had my contact details as I had to protect my identity because of his gambling activities) - i was informed my father was dying of pancreatic cancer. If i wanted to see him again, I would have only today to do so. Torn apart, and 16 flight hours away from where he resides, I decided to travel back home to say good-bye to him. It was too late.

Since then I have been going through so many emotions at once. On the one hand, I still hate him for everything he is - everything he has done to my mother and to me (by ****ing up my childhood). Needless to say, I had been going to therapy since the age of 13 - with a childhood like this, it is a miracle that I am who I am today. I found evidence of my father's dodgy past in his flat and basically...I'm having to deal with thousands of debts and will have to walk away from the inheritance as otherwise, according to the laws of my home-country, i would be liable for everything. So apart from the bureaucratic nightmare...and the grief process i am going through (i am oddly remembering a lot of positives about my dad), there is one thing that confuses me the most:

I feel complete and utter disgust and hate towards my boyfriend. We have had major relationship issues for the last pretty much three years (we have only been together for four). He had lied to me in the past, has had massive money problems and is an avoider (attachment style). I once had him on a pedestal but his lies have broken my trust immensely. And yet, we always wanted to work on our relationship and fight for it.

He is, at heart, a good person - really is. But he is so incredibly non-proactive. I feel like I have to tell him 'how to help me' and 'what to do' all the time. It drives me up the wall. He only ever does what I tell him to. There is no proactivity on maybe helping me with the bureaucratic stuff or finding things to do to keep my mind from going mad. He is there yes - but only when I urge hi to help me with something. everything he says or does irritates me. I'm also starting to see how stupid he can be sometimes. I don't know if this intense anger is actually grief and I'm just dumping it on my boyfriend or what the hell is going on here?

I can't ever imagine being so awful to anyone else (let's say if a friend helped me in this situation). I just really feel like exploding around him non-stop. I even asked him to leave the flat earlier so I can be alone. I don't want him to touch me - kiss me - nothing. He irritates me so much.

I am yet to see a grief counsellor next week - maybe she can shed a light on the situation.

I also noticed that as I'm now somehow 'back in my father's life' where I am meeting all these intelligent people, that I have always been dating 'losers' and men who were the complete opposite of my dad in terms of career achievements and intelligence. Could it be that I was frightened of an intelligent man as in my father's case, he used his intelligence for very destructive things too?

What is happening here?

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central. I am so sorry for your loss of your estranged father and the grief you must feel. People here at PC may also have a therapist to talk things out and a psychiatrist or psych doc to diagnose and prescribe meds to help balance things out.

Glad you are joining us here. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com
You need 5 posts or replies to other posts to use the chat room.

Besides being an active participant in helping oneself at Psych Cental, many people also help support each other by replying to other people's posts. Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

I am so sorry for the pain you have endured and are currently experiencing.

Your current relationship does not sound very healthy. I am sure you have feeling for him and have your needs. However, I would never date a liar or someone so insensitive. Coincidentally, those are also traits of your dad's.

I am sorry you have no inheritance. Are you legally obligated to act as executor? I don't understand how you are responsible for his debts. You did not incur them. Please see an attorney. You might consider another therapist also.

Hang in there as best as you can. I know the circumstances are difficult. Keep gaining knowledge and use it to improve your life as much as you can. All the best to you!

[healingme4me]

Hi Creme Brulee,

Welcome to PC!

Hope you find this community as warm and supportive, as I have.

If you have any questions or concerns, don't hesitate to ask any of the Community Liasons for help and gentle board guidance.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Crème Brulee!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. My condolences on the passing of your father. You may be onto something when you say you feel you avoid dating intelligent men due to your father's intellectual level and behaviors. I know you said you were in therapy but I'm not sure if you're currently seeing one. Bringing this up in therapy sounds like a good idea if you are to move forward in your own relationships with men. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!