Can't move past my dad's death

I miss my dad. Almost everyday. And I can't help but think it should have been my mom. And I'm mad at her for living, and for not being better to my dad when he was around, and just in general for being a pretty ****** person. But then I feel horribly guilty, because even if she won't admit it, I know she's got a mental health problem, and she's hurting too, and also because blaming someone else for how I'm feeling is something I learned from her and I hate myself for doing it. I thought that time passing would lessen these feelings, but it turns out they are getting worse.

It has been over 4 years, and I feel angrier today than I did last year. In fact I feel angry at everything and everyone, even my own kids I have no patience with. And I have to wonder - is this just normal grief that I'm dealing with, or is everything complicated with an undiagnosed mental illness? I have no idea, but my life is a series of depression, rage, euphoria, numbness... .rinse/repeat. I would take the depression and the numbness in order to also have the euphoria, but the rage... its hurting my family. It has to stop.

Hi chimera. I am so sorry for the loss you feel. It must be so challenging. Anger is one stage of grieving. The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central

One way out of this series of reactions is to have a therapist that specializes in coping with grief to help you move towards a reconciliation with the loss of your dad and the anger towards your mom.

If for any reason this is not possible then you may find these articles a place to start.
On Grief, Loss and Coping | Psych Central

Grief and Loss | Psych Central

You may also find these support groups are a way to move through the stages of grief.
Grief and Loss: Support Groups | Psych Central

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Yes It has to stop chimera...but not so easy to overcome. You have reason to feel angry and depressed. However...there is a way forward, compartmentalising these feelings will help with the blame and anger in your relationships with your mother & children...but you need to set space and time away from them to grieve.

Your dad I believe would be so sad that his passing is causing this turmoil in you...We don't ever forget the ones we loved...we keep their memory alive by honouring their life. I hope that you will be able to reconcile with yourself and be able to move forward carrying these fond memories with you.

I am sorry for your loss. I am in a similar boat with my father's death. Anger is quite common though there is no such thing as normal grief even the strict five stages are just guidelines overall. There isn't a correct way to feel or how long it will take for you to begin to move forward with one's life.

I understand your reasoning for wanting the trade between your mom and dad for the one to die instead. I was there quite soon after my dad's passing. Mom was a very vindictive person and always emotionally abusive when I was younger.

She threw the biggest punch only after a few months of his death and said he, my dad, deserved it. Though at the time she was going through a pretty rough patch herself.

She has never apologized about it and bringing up dad she becomes heavily disinterested. Not sure where you are with your mom, but I can relate and really these feelings are not any true sign of you character.

You are thinking within anger and loss. It is common to lash out at anyone and everyone. I do hope you find your coping mechanisms. There are plenty of people here that have similar struggles.

I wish you the best in your future endeavours.