[talltrees1]

We all know those late evening, late night, unscheduled calls are usually not bringing good news. Such was the case this past Sunday night. My mom had left multiple voicemail messages within a short period of time while I was out for the evening. She never war dials my phone so I knew something serious had happened and I had a feeling I knew what it was.

Sure enough, she told me my dad had been found dead in his truck along side a backwater road. My parents have been divorced for almost 30 years and I haven't seen him in 20+ years (he was abusive to us both). His brother let my mom know what had happened and said there was a complete lack of information on what the cause of death was. They aren't even sure of the date of death, it was Friday or Saturday, they think (I'm still not sure who "they" are). All we know is no weapons were found. He was 79, had a stroke about 6 months ago (I didn't know until Sunday), and didn't have any major health problems other than that which we are aware of.

I don't know what to think or feel. I should feel relief, but that's not happening. I have PTSD and a couple of anxiety disorders to go with it so both of those things are getting to me. I didn't expect this to be my reaction to him eventually passing. I expected someday to feel relief, not internal chaos, an intense sense of dread, and guilt.

There will be no funeral, no memorial service and no burial, only cremation (per his instructions). I don't know who the urn will go to, my stepmother is in charge of that and she isn't talking to anyone. I'm almost consumed with trying to find out what happened, but can find no information. My mom doesn't even know which police department is in charge of the investigation. At some point the coroner's report will be finished. I'm several hundred miles away and don't have travel documents to get there (at least 6 weeks to get a passport processed), nor do I have the amount of money I would need to travel. The only family I have here is my teenage son and my old friends and colleagues have moved away (we live on an island). I won't burden my son with my mental crap around this, so I'm writing my thoughts here, because they really need to go somewhere.

I had a panic attack realizing that I would have to return home, a place I left decades ago and never intended to look back. We lived, and my dad's family and my mom still live, in rural Oregon. The highest level of education among them is 12th grade, most with only 8th grade educations. Mill workers, timber climbers, and general laborers. I was the first in the family to get a bachelor's degree or to step foot in a university. The closest town to where we lived had a population of around 1000. The entire area was largely impoverished with a low level of education and minimal prospects for a prosperous future. Tons of conservative religion though (my father's family intensely so, despite doing many very un Godly things). I'm agnostic and that never went over well in that area.

My father had arranged a marriage for me when I turned 18. Good grief, did the man not ever look at a calendar and see that we had made it past the Victorian era? I passed on that, moved out as soon as the university dorms opened, and got on with getting an education. He was highly controlling along with being a violent drunk. Yelling at me in his truck for having supposedly had an abortion, while he was drunk, with a pistol on the dashboard was the final straw in a long era of fearing him. I cut ties at that point. He beat me with a "switch" until I was 14 and then pulled that stunt when I was an adult, and many more in between. He was horrible to my mother, even after they were divorced, he still found ways to mess with her. I couldn't deal with it any more, so I walked away. And now, all these years later, I feel guilty for having walked away. Despite knowing that not doing so would have been a far worse option.

I apologize for rambling, I just need to get this stuff said. I feel overwhelmed and confused. Sometimes a little sad too, but I'm not sure why, maybe just sad for what should have been, instead of what was, I don't know. I've only known about his death for a few days, hopefully I'll get myself pulled together in a few more.

Take care everyone :-)

[Skeezyks]

Hello talltrees1: I see this is your first post, here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are finding yourself in this most difficult situation. I walked away from my hometown & parents years ago & never looked back. It's a long & complicated story so I'll spare you the details. My parents have both been gone now for many years. I went to my mother's funeral... but not my father's. He had remarried & there would have been no one at the funeral I would have known. I think about it now-&-then & wish things could have been different. But they weren't.

I wish you well...

[Gus1234U]

i'm glad you could get that all out, trees. i know all too well what you mean about cutting ties, and far away death,,, went thru that with my own dad.

hopefully you will now find unblocked gates to further your growth, and freedom. i wish you well~~