[annabellacat]

Someone important transitioned in 2014. It was the hardest thing in my life and took time to heal but miraculously I did heal and found meaning in it,and peace and even stopped being afraid of death,as my views ended up expanding. So,then life started moving a little bit again,but then all of a sudden I got hit with some things that caused me fear and heartbreak and then started having panic attacks about death. Thinking all these people would end up dying,or that i'm dying. One night,I even wondered if i was dead and didn't know it,and started googling myself to see if i was,that's how bad I got. I started then wondering if part of this is actually from the grief..after all,i started to learn healing isn't always linear. So,yeah,to this say,I still get a little nervous and panicky about people dying on me. I'm trying to heal from that. I just don't understand why this happened after I thought I healed from my grief. I've just been very scared of life lately. Partially because i'm getting a little older now,and want to get my things in gear and am far from it.

[Cat_Lover_58]

I lost a very dear friend of 30 years in Dec 2014. I find myself at 57 going though strange things within my grief. It's different than when I lost my grandparents or even my brother back in 1990. The grief of losing Bob comes in waves. I think it's because he knew me like nobody else did. He knew and loved me despite the depression/bipolar and I felt his unconditional love. I think of death a little differently too since he's passed on. And, you are right on. Healing isn't always linear. Hugs, Cat

[annabellacat]

Originally Posted by Cat_Lover_58

I lost a very dear friend of 30 years in Dec 2014. I find myself at 57 going though strange things within my grief. It's different than when I lost my grandparents or even my brother back in 1990. The grief of losing Bob comes in waves. I think it's because he knew me like nobody else did. He knew and loved me despite the depression/bipolar and I felt his unconditional love. I think of death a little differently too since he's passed on. And, you are right on. Healing isn't always linear. Hugs, Cat

Love your username. What helped me was my views on it, death, expanding which gave me great peace. I wonder if that would help you. To delve into spiritual things a bit. One of the weirdest things to me that's always been proof is after she transitioned,the air felt so calm and quiet like there was some weird positive energy despite the fact that it was the most painful day of my life and I felt so betrayed by life. I like to think of it now as the heavens were happy to have her back. But,what's funny,is my brother says the same thing. He brings up on his own, that it's so weird but the sky and day just felt REALLY calm like everything was going to be ok. It's not at all like my brother to talk or think like that either. I still cry for her all the time. It was the first time someone close to me transitioned. I'm actually crying right now writing this. Unconditional love is a beautiful thing.