[BlueMerleGirl]

It's been quite some time since I lost my parents. My mom was an alcoholic and died when I was 20 suddenly. My dad died in a car accident when I was 25. I'm now in my early 30's. I was much closer to my dad and his loss absolutely devastated me and I have never been the same. I am married with a 12 month old daughter.

It seems like I miss my mom (and my dad, but more so my mom) since I have had a baby. I think of the relationship they would have had and how it would be so nice to have support that wasn't from my in laws. My mother in law is nice but she is also judgemental and makes me uncomfortable so it's not the same.

But the big thing is that I just don't feel special anymore. Maybe it's "only child syndrome". I'm not actually an only child but my closet brother is nearly 9 years older than me and my oldest brother is 15 years older so I was basically raised alone. I'm not very close to either of them anymore. I mean we talk and see each other once in a while but we aren't truly emotionally close.

I have support from aunts and uncles and still have my grandparents but it's not the same. I just have this deep yearning in my heart to feel like someone cares about me like they did but no one ever will. The love I have with my husband just isn't the same (of course), it seems like it's more tit for tat- I do this for you and you do this for me. I mean he loves me but it just feels like things are transnational. It's not like that with parents.

Am I making any sense? Does anyone have a similar experience?

[*Laurie*]

In many ways I can relate to your story. My sisters were 18 and 15 years older than me, so I grew up almost like an only child. My father died when I was pregnant with my second child (I was 25). My mother died when I was 40. By the time my mother died I had lost all grandparents and aunts and uncles - one aunt to suicide. Now I'm 54. I lost one of my sisters and a cousin this winter.

So. Many losses. Much grief. I don't feel like I knew my father when I was fully an adult. Now, when I have time and would love to have my mom around, I only have to cope with her having been gone for many years. It's all very difficult and sometimes I wonder if there is more to life than loss and more loss.

I am so sorry you are having to live with such pain. I'm glad you have a baby.