15 yrs later and still grieving

Mom died in 2003 from the Hepatitis C and her addiction which caused it. In a way, it was a relief if not expected but still deeply missed because she was so much more than her addiction. But I was 23 when she died and living with her. Now I am 38 and I feel like there were many life lessons she didn't get a chance to teach me. She was not on the street and using the whole of my life; I had about 12 short but important years of sobriety with her and in that time she picked herself up and got a job at a state's attorney's office.

I feel stuck and I can't move on. I have my own depression and mental health issues. I'm disabled so I'm trying to find things to fill my day. Things that are more productive and helpful but my own depression seems to keep me from caring about too much of anything anymore. My life and choices and depression are my own thing, and thinking of what I'm missing out on in life because of my own fears and baggage is more than daunting. It's why I've been single for so long. I miss her all the time. I had a hug with my mom the night she died. I live in the memory of that hug because when it happened the first time, I had a feeling I wasn't going to see her alive again so it was a longer and harder than typical hug. The line between depression about my own life and the grief pains of missing my mother have become so blurred and thin. My soul just aches.

I don't pray for a husband and a future, I pray to 'go home' to my mom. Gosh it sounds pathetic, but that's my grief. Thanks for letting me vent.

Hi kristina21502. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry for the loss of your mom. Losing a mom is the most difficult loss I can imagine. Since it has been 14 years, what professional options do you consider to help you cope with this long term grief?

Hope you get the support you are hoping for at Psych Central.
Maybe this will be of interest
https://psychcentral.com/lib/on-grief-loss-and-coping/

Hello Kristina: My condolences on the loss of your mom. Both of my parents have been gone quite a few years now as well. I believe this is your first posted thread, here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

P.S. I see CANDC provided you with a link to an article from the PsychCentral archives on the subject of grief & loss. So I won't add further to that. One other resource I might suggest, though, is an author & depression counselor on YouTube by the name of Douglas Bloch. He also has his own website:

Healing From Depression, Overcoming Anxiety, Self-help Books, Mental Illness, Portland, Oregon Depression Support Groups

You might find Douglas' videos to be of interest. Here's a link to his YouTube channel:

https://www.youtube.com/user/healingdepression

I wish you well...

Grief is such a hard thing ... and while some people give it timelines I haven't found that there's an expiry date on when it stops being hard and when loss stops hurting and impacting us...
Do you have a therapist or anyone to talk to about your depression and grief, so that you feel less alone with it

I'm sorry your mom was taken from you before you could have had more of the sharing you needed. Despite the problems, it sounds like you had a strong bond of love. As you seem to know, yourself, your grief over losing your mom is intertwined with other sorrows that are weighing you down. You need something meaningful to do. Whatever you might pick probably won't feel meaningful in the beginning. You have to invest the time to let it become meaningful. If you're basically home thinking all the time, you will be perpetually in grief. Enough thinking. Time for doing. Something has to be going on in your life in the present, or you will spend day after day wandering the hallways in your mind wishing you could open doors into the past that are closed.

It is tragic to be only 23 when losing a mother. Nothing remotely that bad happened to me at that age, so I won't say I know what you've been through. But people survive tragedy. I am utterly amazed at the human capacity to surmount tragedy. Were it me, maybe I would be destroyed. I don't know why some people come through tragedy to find joy and meaning in life, while others can't seem to recover. Maybe, for some, the loss gets counterbalanced by some good fortune that carries them through - some network of support they can tap into. You don't seem to have that. Depression tells us that we are doomed to never have that. We can make that a self-fulfilling prophecy by not venturing beyond our walls. I'm depressed myself, so I know how that illness tends to perpetuate itself.

You sound more than a bit down on yourself, the way you talk about choices and baggage. It sounds like you blame yourself for a lot. Taking responsibility is great, but you might be over-doing it. Whatever you've been through can deepen your humanity and what you have to offer others by way of understanding. I think 38 is still quite young. Don't resign yourself to unhappiness. Allow for the unexpected to happen. Sooner or later it does. It's not always something bad.

I am so sorry. I really am very sorry. I think Rose76 did such a brilliant job with her writing. She has offered so much wisdom and insight in the above post. I feel like I cannot say anything else besides the following: I am here whenever you want to talk.
I have been living very far away from my family since I was 15 years old. I am 40.
Reach out whenever you want.

Hey welcome to Psych Central. Sorry to hear about your loss. We are always here to talk. You came to the right place.

Sorry for your loss, but the grief process is not easily conquered, most people in the forum came to seek advice and knowledge because of their own loss. I'm not one to give advice, because it's not within my comfort zone, but I will tell you that the people I have encountered in this group are genuine and very helpful. You have more to offer, continue communicating and reaching out to others here.