2 year death anniversary

I just got back from a week with my divorced parents to commemorate my brother's death anniversary.

I drove a long way (about 10 hours) with my dog to get to my dad's place. My mother drove in the following day and stayed at my dad's house. That's weird, right? Mom came into the house and she was upset that I didn't greet her with affection or tears (I didn't grow up with an affectionate family so this whole new thing mother has adopted is a little weird for me). She cried (understandably given why she was in town) and did this weird caress and then eventually started slapping me on my leg repeatedly. I don't know what that was about but it was uncomfortable and weird. I had to grab her hands to stop her from continuing what she was doing.

I'm 6 months into my therapy and working on not being so disconnected since my brother died. So I was more or less ready for the flood gates to open and finally be able to feel what I was holding back in grieving my brother.

The day of my brother's passing, my parents and I drove 10 hours total (to and from the site we scattered my brother's ashes). I had to hold separate conversations with my parents, as they weren't really talking to each other on the drive there and back.

When we got there, I gave them space and let them do their thing. And I felt... nothing. I didn't feel sad, scared, happy,... it was just nothing. After the whole thing I felt rather disappointed. I talked to my partner about the experience and he thinks that I disassociated because I didn't feel safe to express myself. After talking to my therapist, she said that she sees it as a positive thing that there weren't any negative associations to not being emotional.

I don't know how to feel about it honestly. Thoughts?

I'm sorry I don't have any thoughts I can share with regard to this. But I wanted to simply let you know I read your post... & I wish you well...

what Skeez said.... except, sometimes there is a delayed reaction... let us know next week if it's all the same~ ?

From what I learned in 2 grief groups: Whatever you feel or don't feel is okay. Feelings for grief are not orderly or linear (I wish they were), and it's common to go back and forth between feelings each day or within an hour even. There's no time lines or frames on grief either.

Delayed reactions can happen too. I think is happening to me now. I didn't grow up with an affectionate family either, and it was so taboo to express emotions esp. negative ones.

It's been a year and a half since I lost my mom. I haven't seen my "family" of my surviving dad and brother since then. My dad is stoic, unemotional, and emotionally unavailable. My brother isn't talking to me or is mad at me. There's been no hugs or crying together or visiting her ashes together or anything.

The grief group has helped but there's just 2 more sessions left.

I would like the floodgates to open too but so far nothing. I did eventually cry an ocean of tears over my aunt, but I had a better relationship with her.

The 2 year anniversary of a friend's death is coming next month. I have visited his grave many times since he passed in 2016 but I felt/feel a connection. That's not the case with my mom. We were never close, as much as I tried to form some kind of connection with her multiple times. I gave up eventually.

It's a Jewish custom to put stones on the graves when you visit them, to show that that person has not been forgotten. I've been putting stones on his grave, and I've been collecting some too that are a lot bigger than what the office gave me.

They are big enough for me to draw a heart on it or to write "Dear friend" on it. I got the idea from seeing someone's grave that had stones all the way around it. They were different colors and sizes, with messages on them. He was just 15!

So that gave me the idea to do the same to my friend's grave. He was 54, my age. Eventually I hope to have stones surrounding it.

Sometimes, I need to grieve alone. Maybe that's what is happening? Being distracted and overloaded with other side factors?

I think that's what I'm having trouble with--the fact that grief isn't linear or how there's a set timeline on the process. I like set deadlines, perimeters, what to expect and when to expect. I grew up very structured and having to take care of things, so it's sort of ingrained in me, I think. Feelings around things that aren't controllable... it's kind of frustrating.

Delayed reactions are kind of awful. Not knowing when they're going to appear. I want to stay in my bubble, but I know that's not healthy.

Although, on the anniversary of my friend's death, it's almost subconscious. I won't recall it instantly. But I'll see an activity (last year I saw a kid on campus slack-lining) and it reminded me of that friend. That friend was an adventurer and slack-lining was a thing he got into and I my eyes started welling up remembering that. Coincidentally on the anniversary of his death. It was a strange feeling.

You've got an understanding of growing up without much affection. That's how my dad is too. Any emotional response, he gets angry and tells me to knock it the hell off lol. So bottling and keeping busy is what I'm decent at.

Would you suggest going to a grief group?

That's a lovely tradition, with the rocks. The people I know that have passed don't have a place to do that. My brother was cremated and scattered on the coast in California and my friend was also cremated, but his family scattered the ashes somewhere the rest of us don't know. And other family members live in a different country.

I can understand that. I feel uncomfortable with the idea of grieving in general. I don't know what to do with myself, criticize myself for wallowing and then end up cleaning the house. I hear my dad in my head saying, "if you've got time to cry, you've got time to do something productive and useful." haha... So I end up trying to do something productive. I'm working on it though... the whole beating myself up for having an emotion.

I forgot to comment earlier on what your therapist said about disassociating cause you can't grieve properly. I think I went through that in "talking" to my dad after mom died since we didn't REALLY talk. And I know he doesn't want to talk about feelings.

I had structure too, and like you I know I'm "hardwired" that way. I like things to be labeled, predictable, black and white, linear, etc. I hate change and enjoy structure and routine. Grief has to be one of the most unstructured things there is.

As for grief groups, I've been to two. One was a ongoing walk-in group, the second was a "closed" small group that meets for 10 weeks. I did get something out of both, but groups aren't for everyone. I don't want to steer you to something that may not work.

There may be people in it that rub you the wrong way, so keep that in mind. And the facilitators running it can make or break a group for me. Also, the number of members, how consistent they are in coming, and how long it meets is also something to keep in mind. (Length of session and number of sessions) One woman in the second group I went to dropped out and I'm glad. She hit a nerve when she told me to "imagine how much worse I'd feel if my dad passed." Lovely sentiment, huh?

And as I say above, I need structure so I was really upset when a couple of times I was the only one who showed up! Everyone cancelled, AND at the last minute. I said I'm not staying because I don't come for one on one, I come for the GROUP interaction. I'm isolated enough, so I don't want a one on one....

I have just one more meeting left. It's a double-edged sword.

You could try a drop in group first, just to get the feel of a group experience. But you'll see different people every week, and that drove me nuts, LOL.

I don't know if I'm phrasing this correctly, but I find some comfort knowing that I'm not the only one that likes things linear. lol

I'm in the same boat with the isolation thing. Maybe a group can be good for me... I don't know. It's worth a shot? I'm in a small college town, I'm sure there is a grief group, but it'll be hard to find I think.

I appreciate you taking the time to write.

Yeah, me too. People say "Lighten up" and "Go with the flow". I esp. hate the latter expression. It brings to mind sewage flowing into the ocean. That's what "go with the flow" means to me and I'm not going with the sewage, LOL.

I had a hard time finding a group that worked better for me than the drop in group I went to. That one was close to home, as it was about a 20 minute drive. The time of day was better too. I am NOT a late afternoon/night person....I got a little something out of the drop in group but I was desperate so I went for a few months.

But since it was drop in, it obviously didn't have the consistency I want/need, as it was so fluid as people dropped in and out. I'd see most people come for just one session, then never come back. The dynamic changed weekly for that reason.

I had to spend so much time looking for the right thing. Some groups charge you in advance, or they may charge cancellation fees if you don't give at least 24 hours notice. Some had "assignments" or you had to buy a book. I'm not going to do that much...

The one wrapping up now has been better than the drop in, but I still found it hard. For one thing, it meets at 4pm which is right in the middle of rush hour. I didn't want the stress of driving at that time, while attending a grief group of all things So I've had to take a bus and a train to get there. There's some assignments but nothing too hard.

And since it's at 4pm, it would have been out of the question to go in the winter since it would be dark by 4:30 pm. NOT driving or riding buses at night, even with other commuters around. But it's summer now so it's still really bright. But HOT and I don't like the heat, LOL.

The intake was LONG, with so many forms to fill out and a long talk with the graduate student running it (one of the students). This was at one of my local universities. I've found them to be more thorough than my so-called health plan, since they are an educational/research institute. They have an interest in studying topics and interacting with the public is part of that education/study.

Wow....all that, LOL. Maybe try one you can drop out of if it doesn't work for you. Some might ask you to commit to 8 weeks up front as an example, but they can't force you to come. Still, with the forms you sign they might charge a fee. I don't now. It made my head spin looking up all these groups.

Other places that might have groups are places like churches, hospitals, hospice places, and cemeteries. I saw one at the cemetery I visit to see my friend, but I think I'm done with groups now. It seems I've learned all there is on grief, and it's gotten a bit redundant. Only so much they can say or explain. The rest of it is LOTS of time, maybe years and years.

I find NAMI.org has local support groups for Family and Caregivers of people with mental health issues. That may not be exactly what you need but just having a place to share your story might be a help. And you can also think of anyone in your family that may have had mental illness that was challenging to you. Check out their website if interested to locate local group

There is a search box to the right on this page to try to locate nearby groups. https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/Fa...and-Caregivers

Many universities offer counseling to students attending their school if you happen to be in that situation.