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Member Since Jan 2010
Location: California
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#41
Beth
I'm so confused. I thought I was posting in our group! I'm not sure but I think the posts are on both groups?? __________________ |
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
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#42
Yes, Just because I gave birth and raised a child doesn’t give me any reason to assume they’d be kind enough to keep me in their life??? Shish!
__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Legendary
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#43
__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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here today
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Legendary
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#44
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__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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catches the flowers
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#45
Paper Roses, no...this thread is on the Grief and Loss board. The group is in the Social Groups. I'm okay with either.
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Grand Magnate
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#46
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Maybe he had had issues with his folks? And had solved them in the way that seems to be what people recommend these days. Distance yourself and if that doesn't help then cut them off. |
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Grand Magnate
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#47
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Legendary
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#48
When my soon-to-be DIL ‘attacked’ us, she said to me, “When you don’t get your way, you throw a fit.” This was not true, I had not thrown a fit. I drew a boundary by saying ‘no’.
But if she wants to dare me, I’d like to really ‘throw a fit’. I’d like to make a world-wide case out of this. My sister has never visited our mother, and my mother threw this article in her face saying she feels like suing her for the neglect. New China law says children 'must visit parents' - BBC News Can we fight the baseless estrangement movement? I can understand children of severely abusive parents having a valid reason, but this is happening to good parents. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Member
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#49
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Wow! I had heard that this us a world wide problem but geez. I just can't imagine why children raised in very different cultures would be choosing to do this? I saw in the article that someone said , I paraphrase, that he/ she was just to busy. Personally I can't see forced visits. Parents don't visit children after divorce or other situations such as their parents or a relative taking over the care of their child. Perhaps there were always adult children who disappeared, just fewer. I think trying to force visits would only create more discord. But the article certainly highlights the seriousness of the problem. I don't think I would want that. But I think a campaign such as ads pointing out the desperate circumstances some elderly find themselves in without their adult children's involvement in their lives might cause some to think. I'm very fortunate but I've read about elderly parents who really need help in order to have a place to live or food or medical care. There but for the grace of God go I . I have a husband who works and loves me but without him I would have no way to care for myself. God forbid that changes. I know I never would want my children to take care if me but I always thought it would be an option. __________________ |
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TishaBuv
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#50
I have a question. Among the parents who are suffering over the loss of a close relationship with your adult child, does it help to discover that this more common than you previously knew?
I've found that grief has many facets. Th longing for the lost loved one, the confusion over why or anger at the person who left or at God. Also, there was for me a question for the first 2-3 years years as to what I did wrong? Of course I did some things wrong but if I am the only parent experiencing this I must have been despicable. I don't know anyone e else who is dealing with this and it might just be that it is not spoken about. I seriously questioned my sanity. I telephoned friends who were at my home often while my children were young and asked them questions. Do you remember me yelling at my kids a lot. Was there a lot of conflict Did I ever do anything that you remember was just over the top awful My friends were honest. One remembered an argument he overheard between my son and I when he was 12. My friend said we were shouting. He added that my son had done something not ok and my anger seemed unusual but not extreme for the situation. He added that it was the only incident he recalled in 12 years that we were close friends. Others said I seemed too lenient in her opinion. My point being that I was trying to make sense of a very strange outcome. Why were my children no longer behaving as if they love me? If this is a trend. If it is happening to some degree all over the world then maybe that gives me some way to understand it. I do feel genuine compassion for my children because they are missing out on a relationship with their mother and that is sad. My mother was very rejecting if me. When I was able to see her I loved seeing her. She was my mother. She made amends with me ( sort of) before she passed but I would never have been unkind to her or spoken a harsh word. I forgave her instantly and in truth I had never held it against her. I found peace in acceptance. I stopped wanting more than she could give. I hope we can all find that same kind of peace in regards to our children's choices whatever they might be. __________________ |
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sunshinefl
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#51
Yes, it helps me to feel I’m not alone. To learn it’s a new way of thinking is making me angry and I’m a fighter for injustice!
__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Paper Roses
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#52
I just now heard this song for the first time and am weeping from 2pac!
__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Member
Member Since Jan 2010
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#53
Yeah. I am always amazed at how much people love their mama's. No matter what. Thank for sharing.
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LilyMop, TishaBuv
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#54
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I will look up that YouTube video. I agree with you! I’ve been practicing daily prayer, daily gratitude and daily meditation. Most days I’m doing it at least... I’m really trying to face the pain and work through my grief. |
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Paper Roses
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#55
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Yes, you’re right. None of us is perfect. Our kids will realize that when their own kids get older. My counselor says it happens when their kids get to the age that they were when problems started with their own parents. |
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Paper Roses
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#56
Where is our group? I’m confused? I’m not sure where to post - continue this thread or is there somewhere else?I think we could really help each other work through our grief in a positive and supportive way. I don’t want to be sad and angry anymore. I know grief can be ongoing but I would like to stop going in circles.
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Paper Roses
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#57
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I’d also like to see my son make some effort to maintain contact with us. It can’t be all one-sided. I’m still shocked that he got his head so mixed up that this all happened in the first place. Didn’t he remember that his parents are the number one people who want the best for him? When I told my young kids about stranger danger and how they are to run away, I knew if a predator really went after them, they’d probably go right along regardless of my warnings. This was the same thing. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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LilyMop, Paper Roses
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#58
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I would like to work through my grief in a positive way. My thoughts on this include the question "how does one grieve children who are still present? Whether they are in contact or not?" One thing that has helped me is to have decided that I will wait for them to contact me. I bounce back and forth on this but ultimately I believe that the responsibility to repair this lies with my children. I have reached out repeatedly and things get better for a time. Then something else happens that must be dealt with. I can bend and I have done so more than I would with any other human beings on the planet. But I've reached a limit . I need to know that they want a relationship with me. I have set minimal expectations to be met in order to begin the conversation. I guess to break it down. I must know what my limits are as there is no way to predict what my children will say or do. I must accept that I have control over only me. My children know I am always open to any genuine attempt they might make towards reconciliation. As to how one let's go and moves on in this extraordinary situation. I'm at a loss. To continue to hope that I will hear from them and they will express remorse, keeps the door and wounds open. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to resolve grief as complex as this? __________________ |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jun 2012
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#59
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I also acted on the love that I had/have for her, when I could. I sent the grandchildren small birthday and Christmas gifts, not knowing whether they would get them or not. My anger, and hurt, are/were legitimate, and not to be ignored. But my longing and love are, too, and I felt they deserved some acting on when I could -- with no expectation of anything coming back from her. That helped me deal with the loss and complex feelings inside of me, whether I heard from her again or not. |
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LilyMop, Paper Roses
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Grand Poohbah
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#60
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here today, LilyMop, Paper Roses
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