For Parents of Estranged Adult Children-Introduce Yourself

I have started a group, but am having difficulty navigating it. Really frustrating. But for those of us who are parents grieving an adult child who has chosen to estrange him/her self, let's talk and start support by first giving a basic introduction of who we are.
-----------------------------------------------

My name is Beth. I have been married for over 30 years. That said, my husband and I don't live together (we live 1 mile from each other). He is a Vietnam veteran and although we are dear friends, living together was just too difficult. We were living in the same home, however, while raising our children.

I am 57 years old and was a stay-at-home mom while my children were growing up. I absolutely loved my occupation; having a family was all I've ever wanted in my life. My adult children are now 34 (daughter) and 31 (son).

I share my home with my 5 precious cats.

Next.........

I am not in that exact situation, it’s more of a grieving stepparent.

my husband’s older kid is estranged from him and his other daughter (my younger stepdaughter). Both my husband and my younger stepdaughter, with who we have good relationship, have hard time with it. My husband and his younger daughter are greatly suffering from estrangement from the older one and I do by extension. I used to force him to have a relationship with her but it blew in his face every time so I keep quiet now and just support him. It’s horrible though

https://psychcentralforums.com/commu...up#post6189862
Beth, i think this is how to navigate to the social group.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna https://psychcentralforums.com/commu...up#post6189862 Beth, i think this is how to navigate to the social group.

Thank you, unaluna I can see my group, and the notification telling me to join. But I listed myself as moderator in order to start the group...now it won't allow me to join. Paper Roses joined, yet I can't see her name. I finally had to just leave it alone. Maybe something will become apparent eventually

I'm heart sick, depressed, and have aged 15 years during these past 14 months. I was a youthful woman with good physical health. That's gone out the window.

Like I said, I was an at-home mom. Both of my children were planned for and absolutely adored by my husband and I, and by our extended families. Money was definitely tight, but we managed to keep the kids in a terrific school, K through 8.

When my daughter "N" was 3 (I was pregnant with my son) she began showing symptoms of extreme anxiety. Fears of fire (no idea why), fears of certain pictures in books. Just generalized anxiety. I was raised in a Jewish family (my husband in a Methodist family). I spoke with my rabbi & he referred me to a child psychiatrist for N. My husband and I took her there and the pdoc did play therapy with her. It helped, but N remained with a dx of GAD and I made sure she was always in therapy to learn coping skills, etc.

Our home was loving. My husband & I def had some marital issues and there were occasional arguments. That said, we agreed on how to parent and that was never a problem, in any way. All in all, a lot of love and stability in the home. Yes, I have bipolar disorder, but I did my very best to model, for my kids, how to self-care when it came to mental health (therapy, spiritual work, med compliance).

Jump ahead years. My daughter and son both went to college. Graduated. When my daughter was 26 she married a guy who had grown up in the foster care system. His "family" was extremely dysfunctional and scattered. He had a good job, which impressed my daughter, but more than anything she had had a boyfriend she was wild in love with and the man dumped her. She admitted to me that her marriage was, at least in part, a slap in the face to her former boyfriend.

All of her life N and I were inseparable. Mom and daughter for sure - but best friends, too. My son went to live in Paris (job), then was transferred back to San Francisco. He's doing really well in life and is married to a young woman I absolutely adore. He has occasional contact with his sister. They always loved each other very much, but N has even cut back on her relationship with him.

Meanwhile, N decided to go to grad school. She applied, got in, and I was so happy for her. She loved being in grad school right away, but also felt stressed with all the work, and so on. I encouraged her to see a T, just to have a place to talk about her stress and continue to work on coping skills.

N agreed. She started seeing the T in August of 2018. In September of 2018 I started having a rough mixed state. By far the toughest mood issue that I had ever had. My dx was changed from BP2 to BP1. Meds weren't dong too much. Still, I was doing my very best not to burden my family with my mental health state. But I kept declining (I now wonder if the decline was connected to menopause/hormonal changes).

In November of 2018 I was talking with my sister and told her that I was feeling suicidal - even though I had no plan...just feeling completely overwhelmed. I fairly begged my sister not to, but she called 911 on me.

The cops showed up, handcuffed me, and took me to the local psych ER. I was seriously furious at my sister and just felt awful, frightened, a mess. But I was very cooperative and quiet at the hospital so I wouldn't have to remain IP. Fortunately there were no psych hospitals anywhere around that had beds available. So after being held for an agonizing 20 hours I was released.

N came in to see me while I was in the holding room. She was furious at me. Told me I needed to stop acting like a child by threatening suicide. Yelling at me. I told her to please keep her voice down. I didn't want to attract the attention of the staff. She was outraged and yelled at me, "I'm done, I'm just done!"

She walked out of the room. That was the last time I've seen her or had any communication with her. By the next day she had blocked me on all social media, etc.

I have continued to send her small gifts and short notes now and then. I remain very neutral, never accusing or anything like that.

I strongly suspect that N's therapist is encouraging her to do the "NC" (no contact) thing that is a trend with some young people these days. I would understand - IF my daughter had a reason to cut ties. But there is no valid reason.

My best friend of 50 years tells me that I just plain spoiled my daughter. I never, never believed that a child could be "spoiled" with love...but maybe I'm wrong. I'm by nature a giver; so is my son. But N tends to be a taker...she always has been.

At this point N has zero contact with me or with extended family. She calls her dad, my husband, about every 8 weeks. A bit odd, since N and her dad had a sometimes rocky relationship.

So 14 months. My therapist is empathetic, but what can she really say? All I can feel or see is pain. Like I said, I'm developing health problems that I feel are due to the tremendous grief I have in the pit of my stomach.

So that's my estrangement story. I don't think I've ever written such a long post online, so thank you for reading, and for allowing me to write out all this grief.

I can relate to some of the things you have gone through.

Most parents give their all to their children hoping they will grow up to be secure and loving people. We could never imagine living our lives totally separated from them. So when it doesn't turn out as we imagined--we are left feeling empty (to say the least).

I have had therapists, pschologists and family members suggest that I have VERY little contact and that some of the problems they have are because I helped them too much. This no contact thing is a trend regarding all kinds of relationships.

I also thought a child couldn't be spoiled. I felt grateful to my dad for spoiling me so I thought that was what you should do but perhaps I was wrong. My husband has said that children are born with their own personalities. Perhaps he is right about this.

Grief and anxiety can definitely ruin our health. I am hoping to turn mine around. The despair got so bad for me that I found myself turning to God in a more sincere way for comfort. I spend a lot more time meditating, praying and studying the Bible. I believe we are all here by divine design (but have free will) and that our children (including their individual personalities) were purposely selected for us. Perhaps struggles we go through are meant to help us grow into better people. Though I do take some medications for MI issues (not sure how much of it is simply because of our despair)--this new way of thinking (and purposely not thinking about my children's problems as much but instead working on what I need to do for my future not theirs) has lifted my depression and anxiety.

I hope you figure out a way to feel better too! It has been a long road but I am starting to turn how I feel inside around. Everything starts from how we feel inside. I pray that everyone with these struggles starts feeling better and better.

I have spent many years going through it. I was in denial of reality and holding onto hope for a long time. Because of this, I tolerated behaviors for a long time that I just don’t want to tolerate anymore.

What happened with our son is fairly new. He’s mad as hell at us because we didn’t put up with abusive manipulation, which started when he started planning his wedding. I am praying the estrangement is temporary and we are able to make peace whether or not it is with just him or including his new wife.

We’ve been through traumatic hell for months over this and I don’t think they felt bad at all. I’m putting his happiness and health first. If he’s truly happy I am glad for him.

I am now ready to be able to remember him with love; countless wonderful memories and no one can take that from me.

My plan is prayer, occasionally reaching out gently, and hope.

Where is the group? I don’t see it on the list of groups

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966 Where is the group? I don’t see it on the list of groups

Sometimes I see it, sometimes I don't. I'm just not clear on how to set up the group??? I thought I did it correctly, but apparently not

@BethRags
Your situation has some similarities to mine. I want to ponder more and likely have lots to say.

Firstly, I think you are right about the therapist encouraging the no contact thing. To me, it’s an incredibly hurtful thing to do in a case like yours or mine. Boundaries are one thing. No contact is completely another. It does seem like an extreme action to take on a good relationship. I’m baffled.

Second, you are doing great to be as strong as you are being. Keep venting. Thanks for starting this group!

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv @BethRags Your situation has some similarities to mine. I want to ponder more and likely have lots to say. Firstly, I think you are right about the therapist encouraging the no contact thing. To me, it’s an incredibly hurtful thing to do in a case like yours or mine. Boundaries are one thing. No contact is completely another. It does seem like an extreme action to take on a good relationship. I’m baffled. Second, you are doing great to be as strong as you are being. Keep venting. Thanks for starting this group!

Thank you Tisha. Si much.

In my experience there are plenty of crummy therapists. My daughter is paying $100/hour to see hers...nice chunk of change. I wonder how "supportive" the T would be if N stopped paying her.

I'd sure like to work the glitches out of the group so we can use it.

Thanks for this Beth. I will do what I can to help but don't know what?

I'm older than most of you . I've been married for 25 years to my second husband. Not my children's father. I divorced him when they were 5 and 6 and raised them alone. Their father abandoned them. They would sit on the steps waiting for him when he told them he was coming and he would not show. Very painful for them and for me.

I got a B.A. and an M.A. while working and raising them. It was hard on all of us but they had good child care and I devoted all of my free time to them. We lived in a good neighborhood and their lives were stable and full. They had extra curricular activities and summer camp . They knew they were loved and wanted.


My current husband and I married after they were grown. He has been a wonderful grandfather. Their father is out of the picture.

My children are 45 and 46 years old. My situation is similar to All of yours but different in that until about 4_5 years ago we all got along.

Both of my children and their children and even their exes visited often and had wonderful times together.
We have a large property and had motorcycles and a bike track. All of the grandkids learned to ride as young as four years old.

My daughter began to change about five years ago. It was likely earlier but I dint see it. She was so inappropriate and mean and we stopped getting together.

Two + years ago her two younger asked if they could stay with us because they became afraid of her drunken rages. We said yes and they stayed for several month and at Christmas time two years ago they went back home. My daughter was angry that we gave them shelter and that's when no contact began. She forbid them to see us.

My son is also estranged for nearly two years. Harder to explain this but it is a mutual d e decision based on his response to my being hospitalized for a physical illness. Similar to your story Beth.
There's more to it but right now and I have let him know what I would require in order to attempt reconciliation.

There is no possibility of reconciliation with my daughter while she is using drugs and alcohol. She is too irrational. So I do not try to make contact.

I saw my daughters ex husband today and he is involved with the children, they are young adults now. I feel relieved that he is present in their life and I may see them soon.

I expected my children to be in my life at this age. I am learning how to live with this unexpected turn of events. I would like to explore the different way that this unusual loss must be mourned
It is very complex.

I am wondering (hoping) your group will permit those of us who are pained and struggling with estrangement of a sibling.

Honestly, I can't tell you how much your post spoke to me.

I am 63 and essentially "lost" my older sister.

Is this room okay for someone like me?

Personally I think so. I’m very sorry for the loss of your connection with your sister.

I am happy to have finally found a type of support group/forum about adult children estrangement, it has not been easy to find resources and/or support. Hoping to get some of that from this online community.

I am actually reaching out to see if I can help a friend who is dealing the estrangement of his now 20 something year old daughter. She has a history of mental health issues, dissociative disorder, which might explain her estrangement? I do not know that much about that disorder - if anyone has any experience and our resources to recommend, please send them my way.

She had been living with her dad and had plans to attend a local community college. Her dad helped her find a place to stay and was in the process of moving in on her own and starting school. Then suddenly no contact with her father. The daughter had reached out to her mom and then checked herself into mental health facility. Because the daughter was over 18, the father was not able to get any information about her, her status, etc. The mother has been uncooperative in sharing any info she has about the daughter and it is possible the daughter has since not been in contact with the mother as well.

What is most challenging about this situation is 2 fold.
1) the abruptness of the estrangement, there was no big fight, no communication as to why there would be no contact moving forward, etc. The daughter & father had has a strong relationship up until this point.
2) not sure how much her mental health has played into this situation? Is she consciously not reaching out to somehow protect herself? or maybe one of her other personalities does not realize that her father exists?

My friend, her father, has been heart broken about this estrangement and didn't see it coming, was given no explanation, no nothing. If she has told him that she needed space and didn't want to have contact, although it would have been difficult to hear, he would at least know that it was a conscious choice.
I am not sure how to support him. I want him to be hopeful but yet want him to be able to move on with his life and dwell on this estrangement. However, that is much easier said than done. He feels that is can not give up on his daughter and is not willing to accept this.
I have tried to say that, unfortunately, it is not his choice. He can not control what she does, he has not means to contact her, I do hope that she reached out one day, but in the meantime, I have tried to tell him he need to focus on himself and his happiness.
He has been unable to do this and for over 4 years this estrangement has been wearing him down.

Anyone have suggestions on how I can support someone going through this. I want him to be hopeful but yet it is possible that there might not be future contact and by holding onto that hope just never lets him move on.

thanks in advance for reading and sharing any thoughts. ...

Welcome to PC!

That his daughter checked herself into a mental health care facility seems like good news to me. While I have no idea for sure, there is a possibility that the estrangement is due to her mental illness. For example, I have experienced paranoia of others before in part because of my mental illness. The right medications set this straight.

Many times, my husband encouraged me to be hopeful when a child was making bad decisions. Perhaps remind him that she has to learn how to manage her mental illness herself. Some of us have a tendency to want to do things for our children but in many cases they learn faster if we let them figure it out on their own. In any case, he has no choice but to wait. You sound like a good friend.

I’m not even sure what to say except I can’t even imagine your pain. I am so sorry your daughter is putting you through this and I hope she comes around before any more damage is done. All my love!

Quote:

Originally Posted by cashart10 I’m not even sure what to say except I can’t even imagine your pain. I am so sorry your daughter is putting you through this and I hope she comes around before any more damage is done. All my love!

Thank you so much.

My friend, who witnessed us go through this shocking ordeal as it unfolded, gave me this book to read. “Done With The Crying” by Sheri McGregor. We are dumbfounded to learn this is an epidemic. I’m reading it now. The author wrote a paragraph for all the relationship dynamics that caused the estrangement of the thousands of people she polled. All of the reasons we have here were mentioned. Then the book focuses on healing.