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DazedandConfused254
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Default Aug 14, 2020 at 09:55 AM
  #1
My paternal grandmother passed away in February after several months of lagging complications from a hip injury. She was transferred to the largest area assisted living, which helped my grandfather with a similar transition, but I don’t think she could’ve received worse treatment. From the start grandma knew at 92 yo, she would never regain normal functioning after her initial injury. But at the same time she very well was spiraling faster than necessary to her demise. She was never seen by the doctor who agreed to take care of her, so nurses and specialists were aloof to her needed prescriptions and therapy. At meetings involving my family, I wish I could’ve been there to punch the social care woman who lead the meetings. She was unprofessional to the point of even wearing nightclub dresses to meetings, and was quite vague and pretentious in describing my grandmother’s condition (frequently said she “plateaued” in an annoying accent). Thanks to this so called care, my father who is a retired doctor ordered grandma to the ER in the state’s largest hospital two hours from her home because of a DVT leading to small pulmonary embolism. Needless to say all of which was overlooked in the carelessness of the AL. She improved after the procedure to install a filter to prevent a more catastrophic PE, as well as transferring back to her original facility where she received more intensive care. But the existing PE’s were already too strong to be controlled, especially when the filter supposedly came loose, allowing the PE to shoot up to her neck and brain.

Grandma died nearly 36 hours after the deadly PE, having lived the life that she desired as a loving mother, grandmother and great grandmother. But thanks to this long lasting episode, my disdain for people in general has gone from a slight annoyance to intense hatred. My longing to see grandma more often after college was not just taken but snatched from my hands. With many of the people at that AL being close to my age, I am sorry that I was born into a no good, rotten, sorry excuse of a generation, who only care about their reputation. I went from a toxic college environment where I was feeling like an outcast over superficial things, like not having a SO, not enjoying the party life or not living life with rose tinted glasses like so many people seem to, then losing my grandmother? For awhile I don’t think things could’ve been any worse. My parents are only in their 60s now but since I didn’t pursue medicine like my parents, I have a heavy weight on my shoulders when they get to be possibly 92 as well. Just imagine how much more selfish and stupid people will be at that point in time. And by the way, who will take care of my parents brothers and sisters when they get old? Many of my cousins, especially on my dad’s side, I am not really close to, so later down the road I will be hopeless.

Obviously I’m feeling stuck. Can someone help me feel unstuck so I can celebrate my grandmother instead of taking my anger out on the world?

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Default Aug 14, 2020 at 09:22 PM
  #2
Hi DazedandConfused254. Welcome to Psych Central. It sounds like your grandmother meant a lot to you and it must have been so difficult to watch her go downhill.

I have experienced that anger and denial are some of the stages I was in when my dad passed at 89. He lived a full life but the last few years he suffered as the body and eventually the mind gave away. I was sad at his passing but realized there was nothing I or anyone else could do to change the trajectory of his life.

It took me a few years to process the grief. It was not easy. I had had friends die before but it was different with him. It really disrupted my life. I had to reinvent myself now that he was no longer in my world.

These articles may be of interest Coping with Grief | Psych Central
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Default Aug 15, 2020 at 12:55 AM
  #3
If all of this is true you should get a lawyer. Nursing homes are understaffed and underpaid. It's notorious for older people to be neglected and suffer complications that lead to their death.

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DazedandConfused254
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DazedandConfused254 On hiatus from MSF, except for PMs
 
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Default Aug 16, 2020 at 12:41 AM
  #4
Thank you both so much for your responses! CANDC you provided some helpful links and I appreciate that. I think I haven’t felt completely hopeless like I did right at the time of the passing, but now with these posts maybe I’m not completely done grieving yet. But thankfully that’s ok.

And sarahsweets glad you asked that. It’s been hard to connect with a lawyer because of the pandemic but I think we are trying to engage a suit in the near future, especially if our original complaint doesn’t follow through.

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Default Aug 16, 2020 at 02:31 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254 View Post
Thank you both so much for your responses! CANDC you provided some helpful links and I appreciate that. I think I haven’t felt completely hopeless like I did right at the time of the passing, but now with these posts maybe I’m not completely done grieving yet. But thankfully that’s ok.
.
You are welcome. Grief can be an extended process. I lost my dad 4 years ago and every year gets a little easier but even this morning I smelled breakfast and it was a flashback to breakfast 60 years ago. It was as if I was there for a brief moment. But it left me with a feeling of being loved.

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Default Nov 29, 2020 at 02:05 AM
  #6
Maybe that's what I need: just a little bit more time. Since I posted all of this I have been feeling better about it all.

If that is the case with your father he lived a great life and did hopefully did everything that he would have hoped for! He probably smiled down on you as you posted this message.

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DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me.

"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney
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Default Nov 29, 2020 at 02:01 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254 View Post
Maybe that's what I need: just a little bit more time. Since I posted all of this I have been feeling better about it all.

If that is the case with your father he lived a great life and did hopefully did everything that he would have hoped for! He probably smiled down on you as you posted this message.
Thanks for your kind words.

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Default Nov 29, 2020 at 02:36 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254 View Post
Thank you both so much for your responses! CANDC you provided some helpful links and I appreciate that. I think I haven’t felt completely hopeless like I did right at the time of the passing, but now with these posts maybe I’m not completely done grieving yet. But thankfully that’s ok.

And sarahsweets glad you asked that. It’s been hard to connect with a lawyer because of the pandemic but I think we are trying to engage a suit in the near future, especially if our original complaint doesn’t follow through.
I'm sorry to hear of the situation with DazedandConfused's grandmother. Hopefully, you can find a lawyer soon. Obviously the assisted living place didn't take good care of her. The more facts you have, the stronger your case against the assisted living facility. Meanwhile, allowing yourself to go through the grief process will make you stronger.
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