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Noninde
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Default Dec 06, 2020 at 05:54 PM
  #1
It's been a traumatic year. Like many people this year has been nothing but bad news.

Our situation up to yesterday was - Our bunny that was like our son died suddenly and unexpectedly in October. That grief has been ongoing and debilitating. We currently have 4 weeks to find somewhere to live (have been trying for 6 months, so will have to rent. All of my free time is packing). We live overseas away from our family that if they get COVID will likely die or be debilitated, so that hangs over my head.

Before our boy's death I was already starting to have breakdowns. Other things have happened since then but we've been kicking their butts (though it's exhausting and anxiety laden to have to tackle even those we get through). We're seeing therapists, reaching out to friends and online forums, talking between my partner and I, and reading and processing - as you do.

----

This morning I got the message this morning that my best friend of 20 years died. She disappeared from my and many other people's lives a year ago. I don't know how she died, I don't know who knows she is gone.

So now, I sit here in shock. It hasn't hit, so I'm trying to get my ducks in a row for when it does and I am a bigger mess than yesterday.

How do I tell friends of ours? Do I tell them? I do not think many know. I don't know how to start that conversation. None of us have talked for a while, and I don't know the cause of death.

How do I talk to my friend's family who were the ones to tell me? I'm in such grief right now from our other family losses, how do I offer support when I'm running on empty? How do I even begin to offer condolences or grieve with them - I was their child's closest friend for a very long time, but that relationship has been quiet, and I didn't know their family in the past few years like I used to.

Can anyone recommend any resources to read or personal experiences to share when someone didn't tell you they were sick? Someone still very young who pulled away rather than tell anyone?

Thank you. I'm already exhausted to the point of not being able to function by early evening. Any resources trying to understand this kind of grief, rather than me frantically searching when the shock wears off and I'm unable.
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Default Dec 07, 2020 at 12:38 AM
  #2
dear noninde,

i am so sorry for your losses. since you are in shock right now, just give yourself time to let your loved ones' passings sink in. just be prepared that it can take a while to sort through all the feelings that might come up. you are already doing many of the right things by reaching out and talking/posting about it.

i too was a bunny mom to many bunnies and each of their passings (and their decline before they passed) affected me terribly. i still have ptsd from it. i loved them all but they can get sick so easily. i had one bunny mom tell me owning bunnies almost killed her because of their fragility and the complexity of their care. your dear boy was very lucky to have been loved by you. what was his name?

as for your best friend's passing, since it's been a while since you saw her or her family, i am sure her family will understand if you can't be there for them that much. just do what feels right to you. as for how to tell your other friends. i would not worry about that too much. your friend had already pulled away from you all. maybe down the line you will get more details about what happened with her. in the end, what matters most is the friendship you and she shared.

you have so much on your plate, please don't forget to take care of yourself. my thoughts are with you.

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Default Dec 08, 2020 at 01:16 AM
  #3
Hi, dear one, and welcome to Psych Central! Sad to say. I sometimes find out friends of long standing have died when I don't get Christmas cards from them. It is hard. I found out my BFF was in the hospital and went to see her the day before she died.

I know it's harder when the news is unexpected. Also, can you see about getting a new bunny or some kind of pet?

It might actually help to talk to your other friends about the friend you lost. Maybe they know something or you can at least speculate and share memories.

Keep in touch. We care!
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Default Dec 08, 2020 at 05:38 AM
  #4
Hi TerryL,

Thank you for your kind words. I know this will take a very long time, and the shock is starting to wear off so I’m glad I started asking for help when I did.

My boy’s name was Albie. We had him as a senior, and he fought through about 6 surgeries/conditions with gusto. Which is why his passing was such a surprise.

I wish ‘someone’ gave us clear instructions when handing us a bunny that said ‘please keep it in your thoughts as often as you can - they are delicate, we know so little about them medically and have little medicine for them, you will lose them quicker than you expected, possibly in minutes, and you will love them beyond what you could imagine.’ I miss being a bunny mom; it was an honor.

My friend pulled away from almost everyone, it seems. I wish she had reached out. But I wanted to give her space to do so on her own time, only so often telling her she could or ‘check up’ on her. I’m going to have to try and support her other friends and her family. It’s what she was best at, and I would want to honor her by doing the same. I still haven’t figured out how to tell our friends; being socially awkward to begin with doesn’t help. One has already reached out – we’ve all been so cut off from one another and her – they’re clearly struggling too.

I wish I had more time with her, that she had more time, that I had proper time and space at the moment to grieve her and the buns. It’s hard to know this process will take years, when none of us seem to know what’s going to happen in a few weeks time.
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Default Dec 09, 2020 at 02:02 AM
  #5
you are busy right now with trying to find a place to live but the grief adds so much more stress. i would be totally frazzled too if i were in your shoes. it's perfectly normal to feel that way.

it sounds like you are starting to sort out all your feelings. it can be such a jumble. just take your time. it will take time.

there are so many reasons why someone withdraws from friends. i know i did that when i was depressed. i hope someone will give you more details about what happened so that you can have some kind of closure or at least find some peace.

it's nice of you to try to honor your friend by reaching out to her loved ones.

thank you for telling me albie's name. you are so right about bunnies. i fell into bunny ownership by accident too. i knew nothing about their care and found out the hard way that many vets don't either. i was totally unprepared. that being said, in case you ever decide to get another bunny, joining a bunny forum helped me a lot. i still belong to one called etherbun. there are a ton of people out there who love their bunnies and will share their knowledge to try to help.

anyways, please take care of yourself and keep posting as often as you need to. we are here for you.

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Last edited by bluekoi; Dec 09, 2020 at 11:21 AM.. Reason: Edit post. OP's request.
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Default Dec 09, 2020 at 05:50 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Noninde View Post
Hi TerryL,

Thank you for your kind words. I know this will take a very long time, and the shock is starting to wear off so I’m glad I started asking for help when I did.

My boy’s name was Albie. We had him as a senior, and he fought through about 6 surgeries/conditions with gusto. Which is why his passing was such a surprise.

I wish ‘someone’ gave us clear instructions when handing us a bunny that said ‘please keep it in your thoughts as often as you can - they are delicate, we know so little about them medically and have little medicine for them, you will lose them quicker than you expected, possibly in minutes, and you will love them beyond what you could imagine.’ I miss being a bunny mom; it was an honor.

My friend pulled away from almost everyone, it seems. I wish she had reached out. But I wanted to give her space to do so on her own time, only so often telling her she could or ‘check up’ on her. I’m going to have to try and support her other friends and her family. It’s what she was best at, and I would want to honor her by doing the same. I still haven’t figured out how to tell our friends; being socially awkward to begin with doesn’t help. One has already reached out – we’ve all been so cut off from one another and her – they’re clearly struggling too.

I wish I had more time with her, that she had more time, that I had proper time and space at the moment to grieve her and the buns. It’s hard to know this process will take years, when none of us seem to know what’s going to happen in a few weeks time.
This is a time for self-care. Depending on your mood, you may want to read books or watch movies that make you laugh or cry. Reaching out is important, and you're doing that. Be sure to take care of your body at this time and let your body rest. Grief is hard on the body. You're in my prayers.
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