[Phrysca]

I lost my godfather today. Last month, I lost a friend who had helped me when I was homeless. It seems like almost every month I am losing someone that had a true impact in my life, yet I AM STILL HERE. WHY? Why am I still here when I have nothing to show for nothing to look forward to, nothing holding me back, there is nothing for me here. Yet, I am still here. Why? Why them? Not me? I would gladly take any of their place. Don't get me wrong, I won't do it myself. I am not that selfish. Because those who have gone leave behind people to grieve, crying, hurting, and that's not fair either.

I'm just venting. Death is a theme in my life. Literally. Both grandmas, grandfathers, uncles, aunts, cousins, a brother, the father of my children, his brother and mother, and then there are those who I have been blessed to meet throughout my life's journey. I once counted how many people I know have died. I counted 36, I was 36. Coincidence? One person for every year of my life. I am almost beginning to accept death as if it were a birth. My grandmother once told me that we should cry for those who are born because they only come into this world to suffer. We should be happy when someone dies because at least we know they're going to heaven.

[*Beth*]

I am so sorry for the many losses you have experienced.

5 years ago I had a complete breakdown because within the space of a few years I lost my parents, a pregnancy in its 4th month, all aunts (1 aunt to suicide) and uncles, a cousin, a couple of friends, and a number of beloved pets. A couple of years after that my precious sister died, and another cousin.

I began to feel that death and grief were hanging all over me, like spider webs and chains. The feeling was awful. I began to believe that anyone who was close to me was destined to die soon.

Being in therapy has helped me to cope with all the grief and PTSD, as has reconnecting with my spiritual self.

Still, the pain is there...I am learning, slowly, to accept it as a part of who I am, and try my best to use the grief to strength my spirituality.

btw, I live not too far from you. Does visiting the ocean give you any peace from your pain?

[CalMSW]

Originally Posted by Phrysca

I lost my godfather today. Last month, I lost a friend who had helped me when I was homeless. It seems like almost every month I am losing someone that had a true impact in my life, yet I AM STILL HERE. WHY? Why am I still here when I have nothing to show for nothing to look forward to, nothing holding me back, there is nothing for me here. Yet, I am still here. Why? Why them? Not me? I would gladly take any of their place. Don't get me wrong, I won't do it myself. I am not that selfish. Because those who have gone leave behind people to grieve, crying, hurting, and that's not fair either.

I'm just venting. Death is a theme in my life. Literally. Both grandmas, grandfathers, uncles, aunts, cousins, a brother, the father of my children, his brother and mother, and then there are those who I have been blessed to meet throughout my life's journey. I once counted how many people I know have died. I counted 36, I was 36. Coincidence? One person for every year of my life. I am almost beginning to accept death as if it were a birth. My grandmother once told me that we should cry for those who are born because they only come into this world to suffer. We should be happy when someone dies because at least we know they're going to heaven.

I'm so sorry to hear about the many deaths of important people in our lives. We don't know how long we will live. Therefore, we can do things to improve our lives today.

I am also sorry to hear of your losses.

It sounds to me that you've had something to loose. Maybe you could regain new relationships that won't take the place of those who have left but could accompany new life journeys.

Pandemic life may prove difficult to meet new people, but online support groups are a great start.

[Phrysca]

For some reason, I have become a hermit. I'm usually social and friendly, so people don't understand to see me this way. I was already hiding out in my room before the pandemic so when we had curfew and social distancing it had already become a habit for me.

[Phrysca]

I guess my way of coping is staying away. To be honest, it wasn't until I got on this forum that I started to open up again.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by Phrysca

For some reason, I have become a hermit. I'm usually social and friendly, so people don't understand to see me this way. I was already hiding out in my room before the pandemic so when we had curfew and social distancing it had already become a habit for me.

One of the signs when I am grieving and or experiencing depression is I tend to isolate from people and enjoy it. I appreciate a day on weekends when I can just be by myself, but if I dropped my classes where I see people, I would be worried about myself and might reach out to my therapist.