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Rose76
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 12:11 AM
  #1
Ten months ago my significant other died from cancer. We had been a couple for a long time. For 3 months, I experienced bouts of horrible grief. I was wishing I had never been born. It was way worse than I had expected. In time, though, I recovered from that severe sense of pain. I even did very well over the 2020 holiday season.

Since January, I've not done so well as I had been doing the 4 previous months. It's just getting worse. I live alone and I hardly leave my apartment now. I have two friends I could meet up with, but I have little desire to visit with anyone. My family, who live far from me, call a lot and encourage me to visit them. I may do that, after I get my second COVID vaccine shot. I don't really look forward to traveling and visiting.

I don't feel real sorrowful all the time, but I have little interest in doing anything. My apartment is messy. I let dishes pile up and clean the kitchen maybe every third day. I put off even opening my mail. I put off doing everything and anything. I just watch TV and read. It's like nothing matters to me.

I know this is a form of depression. I don't feel all that despondent. I just seem to not believe I have anything to look forward to. I try to argue myself out of that - like they tell you to do in dialectical cognitive training. I tell myself that life will surely bring some good things that I can't even now imagine. I just don't believe it.

Having someone to love and be close to is the greatest joy there is. Many people manage to survive without that. But I don't think many find much joy in a solitary life. I don't even get dressed, until about 4 in the afternoon. I know having a daily routine would be healthier. I just can't seem to make myself.

I really thought that I would handle being alone better than I am doing. I now this is too soon to be fully recovered from my loss. But I'm just getting worse from one day to the next. I wish I could drum up a bit of hope that the future can be worth living. Deep down I just don't believe it.
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 11:56 AM
  #2
Hi @Rose76 - welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry for your loss and the darkness that overshadows your days.

Letting go is not easy. When I lost my dad I could not even think straight. I had to change how I was looking at our relationship. Rather than grieving what was lost, I had to start being grateful for what we had. It was not easy to change gears. I had to reinvent myself. I had to create or discover a new purpose in life. For me volunteering helped me get a grip on things that were slipping away.

I guess the youtube exercises and eating a healthy diet helped because my energy level slowly rose.

Hope you find the support you are looking for. @CANDC

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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 01:04 PM
  #3
CANDC - that's great that you were able to "reinvent" yourself and substitute gratitude "rather than grieving."
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 01:19 PM
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I like your approach, CANDC!
I’m sorry you’re going through this, Rose76, please be kind to yourself though - take baby steps in the direction you want to go, don’t beat yourself up if you slip up, either, just keep trying.
Grieving isn’t a linear process - it’s highly individual and is different each time we go through it.
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 01:56 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
CANDC - that's great that you were able to "reinvent" yourself and substitute gratitude "rather than grieving."
@Rose76a
It wasn't as easy or quick as it sounds when I say it now. I had to let go of some ingrained expectations and hopes about how our relationship as father and son would be. I think we were very different people with different life experiences. It was not easy to say it is never going to change. It was very painful but reinventing my life was a way out of the pain.
@CANDC

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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 09:42 PM
  #6
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@Rose76a
It wasn't as easy or quick as it sounds when I say it now. I had to let go of some ingrained expectations and hopes about how our relationship as father and son would be. I think we were very different people with different life experiences. It was not easy to say it is never going to change. It was very painful but reinventing my life was a way out of the pain.
@CANDC
I'm confused about your " ingrained expectations." If your father died, how could you have any hopes for any kind of a changed relationship with him.

It sounds like you had a troubled relationship with your father. So he died, and then you worked out a new kind of relationship with him? That's a little strange sounding. But you realized "it is never going to change." You seem to be stringing words together, without figuring out what you are actually trying to say.

I'm glad you seem to feel you got to a better place.
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 09:45 PM
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CANDC - thanks for welcoming me, though I've been a member here longer than you've been.
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Default Apr 20, 2021 at 07:09 PM
  #8
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I'm confused about your " ingrained expectations." If your father died, how could you have any hopes for any kind of a changed relationship with him.

It sounds like you had a troubled relationship with your father. So he died, and then you worked out a new kind of relationship with him? That's a little strange sounding. But you realized "it is never going to change." You seem to be stringing words together, without figuring out what you are actually trying to say.

I'm glad you seem to feel you got to a better place.
i think i understand what CANDC was trying to say. we cannot control how others think or act but we can control or change how we think or react. peace is ultimately what we all want in our hearts, however we get there.

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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 01:42 PM
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