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Old 01-08-2021, 02:08 PM   #1
prettymccute
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Default Coming up on my son's birthday

It's coming up on my son's birthday. He died almost twelve years ago, right before Easter. It's bothering me so much lately that no one talks about him, or even seems to remember him. I feel like I am the only one who mourns him. I suppose his father might, but we were divorced most of my son's childhood, so I'm not exactly sure how a divorced father would feel, compared with a mom that raised a son to the age of a young man and then he died. He was 27.

I feel like our family history was stolen from us. I look back on pictures, and he's in the middle of everything. He's right there, in all of the memories of our family's past. My remaining sons lost their brother. We were a happy bunch. Now I feel very alone in grieving him. I'm so sad that he's not here. I feel like it shouldn't bother me so much, but I think I will be sad about Tyson being gone until the day I am myself.
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Old 01-09-2021, 02:05 AM   #2
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Default Re: Coming up on my son's birthday

Dear prettymccute,

How utterly tragic and heartbreaking! I don't know if I could handle the loss of a child especially one I raised for so many, many years. My heart just goes out to you. I wish I knew what to say that would be helpful but I feel that anything I could say would be trivial and empty compared to the loss you suffered and are still suffering. What a life changing and tragic, tragic situation! Please forgive my poverty of expression. My deepest condolences to you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Old 01-09-2021, 08:57 PM   #3
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Default Re: Coming up on my son's birthday

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I am equally as sorry that no one gives you support for your grief. I can slightly relate...I lost my 3rd pregnancy during the 4th month 15 years ago. The baby was due on Christmas. The loss was horribly traumatic for me; it took years to (mostly) become normal again. Not a single person has ever mentioned the loss. Never. It hurts like hell. I withdraw from loved ones because how could they forget something that meant so much in my life?

But for a loss like yours, losing a son at the age of 27...all I can say is that my heart goes out to you, and shame on those who never mention your child.
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Old 01-14-2021, 12:09 PM   #4
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Default Re: Coming up on my son's birthday

Thank you both for what you said. I hate when I think of him. He was and always will be my baby. I don't care if he was an adult. I've told my other boys since then that they are my babies. I don't think a mom ever sees them any different.

He was a good person. He loved me very much, and I love him.

I used to text him, even after he was gone. Silly, I guess, but I felt like I was reaching him the air waves maybe.

The last time that I texted him I said, "Tyson, it's snowing" When he was growing up, we got a lot of snow. I moved, and we get very little here.

The last time I did that, I sat with my phone in my hand, missing him. I almost fell of my chair when I got a text back.

It said "This isn't Tyson, but enjoy your snow."

It seemed funny at the time, but now I can't do the little thing I enjoyed.

I planted a tree for him on Earth Day. It felt like "My Place" to be with him, as I don't live where he is buried. Now I've moved from that home. I wanted to bring the tree, but it was horribly expensive.

I had a therapist that told me I was grieving too much. I didn't go back to her.

I suppose this all has no point, except that I feel so darn bad about Ty. I really REALLY miss him.

I thank everyone that reads this. I'm sorry to run on. I wish I knew how to feel better. I just can't. I lost someone else as well. I took care of a partner that died of a brain tumor. We went through the whole process of her finding out about it, of trying to save her life, of driving to chemo treatments, her being told she was going to die, hospice, and a funeral. We tried so hard, and we couldn't make anything better. Tyson dying was the most horrible thing that happened to me. Her death was the most horrible thing I was involved in.

It all stinks.
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Old 01-14-2021, 08:42 PM   #5
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Default Re: Coming up on my son's birthday

@prettymccute I am sorry for the losses you feel so intensely. It is not easy dealing with losses.

When I lost my dad, I lost parts of myself and I had to reinvent who I thought I was.

Take as long as you need to grieve, but also consider ways that you might go on with life.

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Old 01-15-2021, 02:46 PM   #6
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Default Re: Coming up on my son's birthday

Quote:
Originally Posted by CANDC View Post
@prettymccute I am sorry for the losses you feel so intensely. It is not easy dealing with losses.

When I lost my dad, I lost parts of myself and I had to reinvent who I thought I was.

Take as long as you need to grieve, but also consider ways that you might go on with life.

@CANDC
I'm very sorry to hear you have a difficult time dealing with the grief over losing Tyson. I hope you're able to celebrate the sons who are alive and their families. My mother-in-law held onto grief. At every major holiday, she wanted us to be with her, but at every holiday, she wouldn't allow herself to enjoy these days. We felt like we weren't able to enjoy these days either, because she would mourn the deaths of various family members such as all of my husband's and brother-in-law's siblings, her aunt, her husband, and her mother-in-law. After the death of her only child, she held onto grief. Professionals told her she had major depression, but she wouldn't see a psychiatrist or a therapist for it. I'm sorry she died, but I'm relieved we don't have to go through major holidays like that again.
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Old 01-16-2021, 11:15 AM   #7
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Default Re: Coming up on my son's birthday

Thank you all for your responses. I really do appreciate the input about what has happened. I know I should see a therapist and talk this all out, but it really is difficult at this time. I tried, not long after he passed. I even went to a grieving parents group, but all I did was cry.

Losses are terribly hard. I do try to enjoy my living sons and their families. They are wonderful and I love all of them. We have some wonderful times together. It's terribly hard though, raising three children to adulthood and wondering what sort of family Ty would have had. I know he would have loved his brother's families.

I think right now is a time for me to morn him more intensly. Holidays are always hard. I don't dwell on the fact that he's not around, but I still miss him. The fact that his birthday is close to the holidays makes it doubly hard. So I do struggle from Thanksgiving to Easter. I remember him, when he was here for those celebrations. I don't bother anyone. I keep it to myself. But I miss him so much.

Thank you all for letting me ramble. Maybe it's just a need to get it off my chest. I don't find many people that will listen. You're all wonderful to do that.
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Old 01-16-2021, 01:54 PM   #8
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Default Re: Coming up on my son's birthday

i am so sorry for your loss. all those memories of tyson. sigh. as for people who tell you you need to move on, you feel what you feel. you take as long as you need to grieve.

after a while, i know many people don't want to talk about a departed loved one anymore, either for fear it might upset the person grieving, or they have just moved on, or for their own self-preservation, they have buried their grief. they don't know that that is the opposite of what someone who is still grieving wants and needs.
i am glad you tried to find help by going to a support group. i myself found individual grief counseling more helpful. i could vent as much as i needed to. if you have health insurance, do consider a grief counselor. some counselors will even adjust their fees if someone doesn't have insurance. maybe your local hospices will know of good counselors. and i am sure the counseling can be done by phone, especially during covid. many therapists put their bios online. when i needed pet loss counseling i chose someone who was in another country just because her bio resonated with me, and our sessions were by phone.

You could also try talking to a photo of tyson (or something that reminds you of him) and telling him how you feel. this way, you can get your emotions out any time you need to.

i hope you will be able to find a way to feel better and to heal your broken heart. i really am so sorry for your loss.
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Old 01-17-2021, 12:01 PM   #9
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Default Re: Coming up on my son's birthday

Quote:
Originally Posted by prettymccute View Post
Thank you both for what you said. I hate when I think of him. He was and always will be my baby. I don't care if he was an adult. I've told my other boys since then that they are my babies. I don't think a mom ever sees them any different.

He was a good person. He loved me very much, and I love him.

I used to text him, even after he was gone. Silly, I guess, but I felt like I was reaching him the air waves maybe.

The last time that I texted him I said, "Tyson, it's snowing" When he was growing up, we got a lot of snow. I moved, and we get very little here.

The last time I did that, I sat with my phone in my hand, missing him. I almost fell of my chair when I got a text back.

It said "This isn't Tyson, but enjoy your snow."

It seemed funny at the time, but now I can't do the little thing I enjoyed.

I planted a tree for him on Earth Day. It felt like "My Place" to be with him, as I don't live where he is buried. Now I've moved from that home. I wanted to bring the tree, but it was horribly expensive.

I had a therapist that told me I was grieving too much. I didn't go back to her.

I suppose this all has no point, except that I feel so darn bad about Ty. I really REALLY miss him.

I thank everyone that reads this. I'm sorry to run on. I wish I knew how to feel better. I just can't. I lost someone else as well. I took care of a partner that died of a brain tumor. We went through the whole process of her finding out about it, of trying to save her life, of driving to chemo treatments, her being told she was going to die, hospice, and a funeral. We tried so hard, and we couldn't make anything better. Tyson dying was the most horrible thing that happened to me. Her death was the most horrible thing I was involved in.

It all stinks.

I'm just so, so sorry. My heart goes out to you.
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And the wind did howl
and the wind did moan
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee

-Nick Cave & P.J. Harvey
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Old 01-17-2021, 12:35 PM   #10
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Default Re: Coming up on my son's birthday

Big hugs, prettymccute

I'm so sorry. Of course you must mourn and talk and remember! It sounds like you've done an amazing job of grieving, but also getting on with things. If you don't mind me saying so, you've brought Tyson wonderfully to life here on the forum I'm sure that we all think he sounds absolutely lovely, and feel staggered by the size of your loss.

Have you considered setting up a website for him? That way, your family members and his friends can leave messages, memories, photos and so on, without fear of upsetting 'the grieving mum'.

I'm sure that even his casual acquaintances also miss him so, so, so much!

It could be set up so that everyone who visits is sent an automatic alert when new thins are posted. And you could perhaps somewhat fulfill that overwhelming desire to message him (which we all understand)
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