nothing

i was 'roped into' going to the local clinic for the covid vaccine shot - last minute pressured into kind of thing.

it hit me before going in, that this was the 1st time being back at this facility since my Grandma died three years ago. and as i left, the overwhelming notion hit me - i never wanna go back, ever!

I'm glad you got a COVID vaccine shot. I'm also glad you have others in your life who care about pushing you to do important things. This clinic has an association in your mind that arouses your grief. I'm sorry it is still that hard for you to go to this place. Your grandma must have been a special person for you to grieve so for her.

I always say that grief honors the person who is grieved for. There are grandmas who nobody grieves over, when they depart. That is really sad. I hope your pain lessens.

i think my Aunt was the only one who could even come close to understanding what a special person my Grandma was. the rest of my grandparents died when i was young, so she was the 'only one' i had for over twenty years!

and with my lack of relationships due to my 'd' and anxiety, that just increased the 'special quality'!!!
nearly everyone in my family, immediate relatives included, is 'paired' up - in some way. and then there was me.... so, many years ago, it became 'my tradition' to spend my holidays with my Grandma. (either just a one-on-one visit that day or with a few others like my parents) needless to say, my holidays have been quite difficult the past three years

Hi jrae. Your last post helps explain why you are still this deep in grief. I grew up without grandparents. As a kid, I didn't miss what I'ld never had.
It's really only as an adult that I've come to see how much a grandparent can enrich the life of a grandchild.

Parents get stressed out when all the responsibility is on them, and there's no grandparent to step in and pick up some of the load. A grandparent has the wisdom of having lived longer and can see situations more objectively. When there's tension between parents and children, a grandparent can often see where misunderstanding can be a lot of the problem. Occasionally parents can be unfair. A child with a grandparent has someone else to turn to for validation when things at home get out of whack, as will happen now and then.

I'm glad you had at least one grandmother. Her spouse was gone, so - with her - you could have a one-on-one friendship. It was probably as important to her, as it was to you. Her holidays were brightened by you coming around. With you, your grandma continued as someone important in this world. That was a nice gift you gave to her.

You still have other family. For whatever reason, it sounds like your relationships with them may be less than real satisfying. That could be a lot of why you yearn so much for your understanding grandmother. She provided something that is missing from your life.

The question now is can you find that again with someone else? You may have to look outside your family. The more you get involved in the world around you, outside your home, the more you boost the chances of finding other supportive relationships. It might be a good friend or a work supervisor who encourages you or a teacher. Don't limit yourself to the relatives who you've been around for years. Connect with the bigger world anyway you can. Think about getting more education. Maybe volunteer to help a good cause. There's a lot of good people out there. Try to get connected. That can lead to some nice invitations around holiday time. It has happened to me. You need more love, friendship and warmth in your life. That's what will heal your heart of the grief that pains you. Probably no one is going to come knocking on your door looking to get to know you. You have to go out and get involved in the world around you. Whatever you do, do NOT depend on the Internet as your main way of meeting people.