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RoxanneToto
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Default Aug 22, 2021 at 11:00 AM
  #1
The guilty feeling comes from not going to see her when I had a chance to, though of course I wasn’t to know it would be the only real chance I’d have. My brother found me when I was a teenager, and only a few days later, his fiancé bumped into me on the bridge and invited me over. I didn’t go, because I wasn’t a confident teenager (especially socially) and stupidly thought something disastrous would happen, because I’d been told sketchy details about her mental health issues (bipolar) and in my (possible) ignorance, I felt it would overwhelm her if I just turned up like that.
I felt maybe if I got to know my brother better I might feel more comfortable meeting her, but our relationship just broke down rather than progressing. In the end, he was being elusive and was hostile/passive aggressive even when I did get to talk to him.
Thinking back, I wonder if his fiancé had told her she’d seen me but I didn’t want to come. I know a few weeks after this my brother said her health had been bad, so he hadn’t been able to speak to me (I wrote everything I could in my diary at the time). She died several years after this, but I wonder if not going to see her had caused her to have another breakdown of some kind at that time. If she was even told anything of the encounter on the bridge. I’m not sure I’ll ever know, but thinking I might have hurt her that much is painful.
Overall I feel awful that I didn’t just go when I was invited. I do feel she still loved me; my brother said she kept a picture of me as a tiny baby. If I could go back in time knowing everything I do now, I’d be marching my sorry butt down to her house.
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Default Aug 22, 2021 at 11:27 AM
  #2
There are a lot of different stories we can tell ourselves about what happened and why. I think thats one of our major tasks in therapy, to settle on a story. The one above still has you as the fallen hero? "If only!"

But im seeing your brother blocking you, probably because my brother blocked me. He recognized how tenuous the mother's love was. He tried to protect everyone from that, but that of course is impossible. There are not just two choices, to be in control and feel guilty, or to be out of control and feel fear. Just acceptance.
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Default Aug 22, 2021 at 11:39 AM
  #3
I think you’re probably right, about him blocking me and everything else. I’ve calmed down a bit now, thank you. I’m sorry that happened to you, too. It’s so hard isn’t it? I can understand why he came to find me, but at the same time, he probably didn’t think it through properly. Not sure I can blame him, he wasn’t that much older than me. Maybe it would have caused trouble either way if I’d gone. I know I can’t really blame myself for any of it, but I would have liked to have seen her at least once. I keep thinking I’m ok now then the sadness just hits me again. It’s just weird that I feel worse over her death than my adoptive dad’s.
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Default Aug 22, 2021 at 11:58 PM
  #4
not sure if i understood correctly-you were adopted and the mom you are feeling guilty about was your birth mother? don't feel bad about not going to see her. you were young and how you felt and what you did was perfectly understandable. your mom would have understood too. the fact that she kept a picture of you as a baby shows how much she loved you so i know for sure she just wants you to be happy. it's not weird that you feel worse over her death than your adoptive dad's because there was no closure. maybe one day you can reconnect with your brother and talk about everything.

when my mom died, i felt guilty for many years but i finally realized she would not want me to be unhappy so i let go the guilt. i hope you will be able to one day too.

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Default Aug 23, 2021 at 01:27 AM
  #5
Thank you for your kind words, TerryL. I’m sorry to hear of your loss, too.
Yes, I was adopted and she was my birth mother. Apparently her problems were quite severe. My adoptive dad turned out to have the same illness, but I only found out after he died. He self medicated with alcohol. I was never very close to him, in all honesty, but there were various reasons for that, most of them out of my control.
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Default Aug 24, 2021 at 01:22 AM
  #6
your brother made the effort to find you so he must want to have a relationship. if your mom was bipolar, he might have had a hard time growing up. you two have lots to talk about. maybe try reaching out to him when you feel it is the right time. and if things don't work out at least you tried.

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Default Aug 24, 2021 at 01:52 AM
  #7
Thank you, TerryL. I am in the process of getting access to my records; initially I’d told the social worker I didn’t think I wanted contact, but I have changed my mind. We (me and counsellor) should be talking to her together next month. I’m kind of excited because it will be our second meeting, so I think she might have found something. I have other siblings besides my brother, but I feel I’d be ok trying to talk to him again, if he wanted to. I never heard anything from him after the last time I tried to call, and felt angry, hurt and confused for a long time. Again, I see now just how much insight I lacked as a teenager. I’ve been able to let the anger I had at him go, at least.
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Default Aug 24, 2021 at 10:19 PM
  #8
I don't have a very good relationship at all with this one brother of mine either. He seems rather passive and can be hostile at times which might be once in a great while when I least expect it. I don't think you should feel too guilty over this. Please remember it's not your fault, it's the situation. Sometimes people aren't always available.
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Default Aug 25, 2021 at 12:51 AM
  #9
Thank you, modestlychee6463. I think it’s been hard on everyone, like you say it wasn’t anyone’s fault, though. My brother still lived with/near her then, so must have had a lot to deal with. I’m sorry your brother is like that; when the hostility comes seemingly from nowhere it’s hard to deal with. It can feel personal but it often isn’t anything to do with the person on the receiving end
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Default Aug 26, 2021 at 11:17 PM
  #10
Thanks for your support. RoxanneToto. I have needed this. It hasn't been easy lately. I just wanted to let her know that sometimes problems have nothing to do with you. It's just that I got so tired of such hostility when I just wanted to enjoy life. I got tired of my happiness being ruined by it.
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