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ArtleyWilkins
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Trig Dec 27, 2021 at 10:40 AM
  #1
My husband passed away on Mother's Day after 100 days in the hospital fighting Covid. I have grieved before, for my sister and for my mother, but this grief is much harder. Some of it is because it is the loss of my constant partner for the last 35 years, but the added complication of it being a COVID death seems to be the bigger issue.

I wrote this at the six month mark of his death:

"It has been six months.

I’ve grieved before - particularly for my sister and for my mother - but grief for my husband is harder - as could be expected I guess. Thirty-four years of marriage and constant companionship lost to unexpected illness is naturally the cause of deep grief.

But COVID is not natural (even though my husband’s death is noted as due to “natural causes”), and COVID grief is complicated.

It is complicated because of the cruel trick that we actually got my husband home just to turn around and have to readmit him again and hold his hand as he left this world. COVID has a habit of sudden decompensation and sudden death, even when things are looking better. COVID is a monster with its own mind.

It is complicated because, without a funeral, it is hard to have closure. Many families who have lost loved ones due to COVID are living with that lack of closure.

It is complicated because I’ve had to fight for a certain amount of justice for my husband. Families shouldn’t have to fight to get COVID listed as the cause of death. 100 days of hospitalization that began with COVID should not be in question. 100 days of COVID should be validated in the vital statistics without second thought. I finally won that justice for him, and his death is now “officially” a COVID death. It shouldn’t have been in question though. It was a battle I shouldn’t have needed to fight.

It is complicated because after eighty days of sitting by the side of my husband's hospital bed, I’ve been left a bit traumatized by that hospital ICU experience. COVID families often experience trauma either from prolonged time in the hospital setting, or, more often, a complete lack of contact with their dying family members due to COVID isolation protocols. Either way, COVID death is traumatic.

It is complicated because COVID is still here. The reminders are constant. The dangers are still real. It is like being in a natural disaster that has already demolished your home and claimed the life of a family member, but that disaster has never ended and stays a constant threat to the health and safety of everyone around you . . . for months and months.

It is complicated because COVID has been so awfully politicized. COVID isn’t political; it is a health crisis. But politicians and pundits exploit the victims of COVID by discounting their deaths as only the 1%, by minimizing their deaths as predictable and their fault for having pre-existing conditions, by insulting those who try to maintain personal and public safety through masks, by demonizing and refusing the vaccinations that could have prevented my husband’s death if he had just had about five more weeks. What he would have given for those five more weeks! He very well might still be here today.

I have settled into sadness. And that’s okay. Sadness is to be expected. It’s just lasting longer and with more intensity than I’ve experienced with grief before. They say that this is common with COVID deaths. The grieving process is complicated by COVID complications.

I’m okay. I’m blessed with my kids around me. I’m blessed with friends who check on me very regularly. I’m blessed with my faith to keep me grounded.

I am in a blessed state of sadness here at the six month mark.

It has been six months."

I have recently signed up to go to GriefShare.

GriefShare - Grief Recovery Support Groups - GriefShare

It is a group grief program that is generally housed in churches throughout the country for people who are going through the grief process. It isn't actual group therapy - it is more of a education and support group. I am hoping it will be that additional resource for me to listen and learn and talk about my loss.

I am not depressed. I know depression, and this is not what this is. This is profound grief, complicated by COVID. Over 800,000 people have lost their lives just in this country in less than two years. It is estimated that 9 other lives are affected by each of those deaths. This country has a grief crisis on its hands. I am not sure it is equipped to handle it.

I share this because if you are someone grieving (and not necessarily due to a COVID death), and you need some additional support - not necessarily therapy - the GriefShare program does seem to be sound and rather readily accessible as well as very low cost (I think the fees are $20 for the 13-week group - and it seems I read they can even scholarship that if needed).
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Heart Dec 27, 2021 at 12:58 PM
  #2

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COVID Grief

Hmmm....looks like some good tips in here.


COVID Grief

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Heart Dec 27, 2021 at 01:49 PM
  #3
COVID Grief
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Heart Dec 27, 2021 at 10:24 PM
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Default Dec 28, 2021 at 09:34 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins View Post
My husband passed away on Mother's Day after 100 days in the hospital fighting Covid. I have grieved before, for my sister and for my mother, but this grief is much harder. Some of it is because it is the loss of my constant partner for the last 35 years, but the added complication of it being a COVID death seems to be the bigger issue.

I wrote this at the six month mark of his death:

"It has been six months.

I’ve grieved before - particularly for my sister and for my mother - but grief for my husband is harder - as could be expected I guess. Thirty-four years of marriage and constant companionship lost to unexpected illness is naturally the cause of deep grief.

But COVID is not natural (even though my husband’s death is noted as due to “natural causes”), and COVID grief is complicated.

It is complicated because of the cruel trick that we actually got my husband home just to turn around and have to readmit him again and hold his hand as he left this world. COVID has a habit of sudden decompensation and sudden death, even when things are looking better. COVID is a monster with its own mind.

It is complicated because, without a funeral, it is hard to have closure. Many families who have lost loved ones due to COVID are living with that lack of closure.

It is complicated because I’ve had to fight for a certain amount of justice for my husband. Families shouldn’t have to fight to get COVID listed as the cause of death. 100 days of hospitalization that began with COVID should not be in question. 100 days of COVID should be validated in the vital statistics without second thought. I finally won that justice for him, and his death is now “officially” a COVID death. It shouldn’t have been in question though. It was a battle I shouldn’t have needed to fight.

It is complicated because after eighty days of sitting by the side of my husband's hospital bed, I’ve been left a bit traumatized by that hospital ICU experience. COVID families often experience trauma either from prolonged time in the hospital setting, or, more often, a complete lack of contact with their dying family members due to COVID isolation protocols. Either way, COVID death is traumatic.

It is complicated because COVID is still here. The reminders are constant. The dangers are still real. It is like being in a natural disaster that has already demolished your home and claimed the life of a family member, but that disaster has never ended and stays a constant threat to the health and safety of everyone around you . . . for months and months.

It is complicated because COVID has been so awfully politicized. COVID isn’t political; it is a health crisis. But politicians and pundits exploit the victims of COVID by discounting their deaths as only the 1%, by minimizing their deaths as predictable and their fault for having pre-existing conditions, by insulting those who try to maintain personal and public safety through masks, by demonizing and refusing the vaccinations that could have prevented my husband’s death if he had just had about five more weeks. What he would have given for those five more weeks! He very well might still be here today.

I have settled into sadness. And that’s okay. Sadness is to be expected. It’s just lasting longer and with more intensity than I’ve experienced with grief before. They say that this is common with COVID deaths. The grieving process is complicated by COVID complications.

I’m okay. I’m blessed with my kids around me. I’m blessed with friends who check on me very regularly. I’m blessed with my faith to keep me grounded.

I am in a blessed state of sadness here at the six month mark.

It has been six months."

I have recently signed up to go to GriefShare.

GriefShare - Grief Recovery Support Groups - GriefShare

It is a group grief program that is generally housed in churches throughout the country for people who are going through the grief process. It isn't actual group therapy - it is more of a education and support group. I am hoping it will be that additional resource for me to listen and learn and talk about my loss.

I am not depressed. I know depression, and this is not what this is. This is profound grief, complicated by COVID. Over 800,000 people have lost their lives just in this country in less than two years. It is estimated that 9 other lives are affected by each of those deaths. This country has a grief crisis on its hands. I am not sure it is equipped to handle it.

I share this because if you are someone grieving (and not necessarily due to a COVID death), and you need some additional support - not necessarily therapy - the GriefShare program does seem to be sound and rather readily accessible as well as very low cost (I think the fees are $20 for the 13-week group - and it seems I read they can even scholarship that if needed).
I'm very sorry for your loss. I wish that I could hug you. :grouphug: :sadhug: :hug:

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Default Feb 08, 2023 at 07:06 PM
  #6
I thought I would reflect again on my grief process. It has now been just over two years since my husband was first diagnosed and hospitalized with COVID, and about 21 months since I held his hand as he died.

In some ways, year two is harder than year one. I think I was in such a state of automatic pilot that first year; just trying to keep functioning and having to deal with so much legal rigmarole that is part and parcel of closing a person's affairs after their death was time consuming and rather all-encompassing. But the legal matters are complete. Covid is by and large off of most people's radar -- the state of emergency is about to be deemed over. People want to move on and forget the pandemic happened.

But that is something I will never be able to do. The pandemic changed my life completely. People want to forget. In a weird way, to me, that feels like they are saying my husband's death should be forgotten (rational or not, that's how it feels and I know I am not alone in that reaction).

Crazy people actually say things like, "Covid never happened;" "Covid was a hoax." That kind of insanity and conspiracy thinking has always been maddening. Sure, I should blow it off. Lord knows I try. But that kind of thinking -- those kinds of comments -- attack my experience at its core. Yes, Covid grief is incredibly difficult.

So in this current state of "let's get past it and forget about it," I think my latest stage of grief is of feeling very much invalidated by the general denial, abandoned by the general public and the government who want to forget COVID happened and move on, and alone in a grief for the death of my dear husband because most people truly don't want to "see" the 1.1 million lives lost right here in the United States -- they look away because the reality is too real and too large to even acknowledge.

This stage in my grief will move into another stage -- thus it is with grief. I will never "get over it" or even "past it" -- that's a misunderstanding about grief. I will just move differently into this different life into which I've been thrown.

Mostly I'm okay. I've never ended up depressed. The bouts of PTSD (very, very common for families who have lost people to COVID) have been pretty manageable. I've continued to work. I've returned to my activities. I'm figuring things out.

But losing a spouse is kind of like losing a limb I guess(?). I can learn to function without my husband, -- I'm sure quite well for the most part -- but I will never be quite the same person or feel completely whole. I will still have that pain that reminds me of what once was . . . .
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Default Feb 08, 2023 at 08:05 PM
  #7
You're kinda like a survivor of a veteran who was lost in a war, or 9/11. Maybe part of the reason they are trying to call it over is so that an acknowledgement of the grief and healing can start. It's still too fresh to declare a day for mourning, esp with the naysayers, but i think there will eventually be one. People will take stock of who was lost. Detroit lost SO many leaders, for example.
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Default Feb 08, 2023 at 08:56 PM
  #8
It’s very heartbreaking to hear that people still deny how real covid IS not just was. Not only death but for many people permanent lung damage. In addition illnesses due to postponed surgeries. Damaged lives. Families unable to travel see each other. Loss of income for many. Horrible. And here we are. There are still denials.

Sending you hugs Artley. I can’t even pretend to know what you are going through with a loss of your husband.
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Default May 06, 2023 at 06:44 AM
  #9
Tuesday will mark two years since my husband died. The second year has been harder than the first oddly enough. And for this to be the week WHO has declared the pandemic over is such odd timing for me.

I lost my father in March. He died on our anniversary and a day before the anniversary of my sister’s death. It’s been a hard couple of months.

I’m okay. Just feeling a bit raw.

It feels so long ago.
It feels like yesterday.
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Default May 06, 2023 at 08:00 AM
  #10
I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m so sorry for your whole experience. It sounds so difficult. I think you sound like such an incredibly strong person.

I understand what you mean when you say it feels so long but it feels like yesterday. That is so relatable.
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