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ztyu123
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Default Jan 05, 2022 at 03:16 PM
  #1
It Squeeaked

I accidentally squeaked one of your toys and got lost
And excited
Waiting for you to run and grab it from me,
You always did when you heard
temporarily forgetting

I burst into tears
And more scattered pieces waiting for you

Remembering the unforgettable

I was tossed back into reality by my heart.

Your absence hurts.

Last edited by FooZe; Jan 05, 2022 at 09:46 PM.. Reason: merged 12 threads into one
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Default Jan 05, 2022 at 03:20 PM
  #2
It's the wee early hours of Christmas eve, precisely 3:30am
And I'm sitting in the dark crying and having a meltdown again...

That makes a total of 5 and counting today already...

The cheer...
The holiday spirit...
The songs....
Everything is just too much...

The song,

"I'll be home for Christmas"
Is the knife twisted in the heart.


"If only in my dreams. "
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Default Jan 05, 2022 at 03:20 PM
  #3
I barely ever leave my house now and I had to get a package from outside. I was unaware that one of my neighbors were out there, and before I could run in the house they stopped me.
They asked about you.
I don't like telling people that maybe you're that "G" word...
They never understand.
They just never get it.

I tell him.
He goes,
"I'm sorry"
"You should get "another" "one""
"I bet you are missing those walks."

I run back in the house,
and what's left on me
Bursts into more pieces
The tears. The agony. The pain.
Are the only things that are alive
Inside and out of me.

I just miss you. That's all.
Only you.

I miss you
I hope you are happy, loved further and still now.
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Default Jan 05, 2022 at 03:21 PM
  #4
I will never be the same.
There will always be a larger hole in my heart that will never be filled.
I'm empty and numb still
I still cry and meltdown every single day multiple times a day and night on an endless rotation

I feel guilty even mourning you or missing you .It feels wrong to do so. It feels selfish, and no matter how hard I try for it not to become and shift towards my own guilt and guilty conscience, and need to rewind time and stop it to a point where you were healthy, thriving, and hopefully happy,

I can only imagine the amount of pain and confusion you were in during your last days. I wish that you weren't.


I am missing you,
The world is apocalyptic
Breaths are full of radiation
Without you.
I still love you always,
I hope that you knew/know that

How much longer until I'm with you again?
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Default Jan 05, 2022 at 03:22 PM
  #5
I wonder how many meltdowns and explosions I have left to experience and inside of me.

I've had countless since you've........

Just like the one now that I'm having

11:PM
Tears streaming
Nose stopped up
Looking at your bed in our room
Wondering if it's truly empty
With my head on your pillow filled with your toys
On the night before Thanksgiving
As I listen to my neighbors celebrate life and each other with a house full of light and people
As I sit in the dark
Empty
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Default Jan 05, 2022 at 03:23 PM
  #6
I was supposed to get that old farmhouse or country house for mainly you with enough land and acres to explore and endless adventures. You wouldn't have had to remain indoors most of the time or at all like you hated. We were supposed to stare up at the open sky every night from outside on our porch at night with the twinkling stars inviting us in for an escape and to comfort us. ..together...forever...

It was supposed to be you and I at the end, together until the end of time. We weren't supposed to be separated.

You reached the end without me
I reached an endless time
It just stands still
Without you

I am supposed to be with you,

Just not in this way.
Just not in this way.
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Default Jan 05, 2022 at 03:23 PM
  #7
why couldn't i save you?
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Default Jan 05, 2022 at 03:24 PM
  #8
11/24/21
How many times did I make you feel unloved, unprotected, unsafe, not cared for, restricted??

How many times did I show you impatience, yell, become short fused, push you away, told you no, made you feel guilty, broke promises, didn't give you enough freedom, couldn't give you a better life??

I wish I could have given you a better life.
I wish I could have saved you
I wish that I could have
I'm soo sorry I was terrible and everything is all my fault
My tears say plenty.
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Default Jan 05, 2022 at 03:25 PM
  #9
09/18/21 · Edited
It's another day again, to be honest that isn't something I look forward to anymore without you. Last night, you or some impersonation came to me in a way that I cannot accurately decipher. Was it a nightmare, dream, reality, or combination? In the dream I remember the way we use to cuddle would soon turn into you soon positioning yourself for a belly rub. You were gleefully on your back, and all of a sudden you started choking and seizing uncontrollably. Your face was plastered with a terrified horrific look. You were in excruciating pain. It was 3am there. I didn't know who to call or what to do. In all the years that I was undeserving but graciously blessed to have you in my life, you've never had a seizure, or choked to the extreme...
I woke or the vision finally stopped up crying and in fear. This is about the 4th dream or vision of terror that I've had since your departure or separation. Are you reaching out to me? Are you warning me or showing me what's happening in your hereafter? I miss you terribly and furiously. I hope that I was loved by you. Where are you? Are you happy now? Are you loved or hated? Please tell me what I should do for us to be reunited. Should I try and lead a "virtuous" life that appeases the Universe, or should I lead a disapproving life? If you're in a terrible place, realm, or state of being now, I will commit heinous acts and "sins" just to be reunited with you, we can go through it together for all eternity, or until I can save you...or be permanently erased trying.
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Default Jan 05, 2022 at 03:30 PM
  #10
I wish that people could recognize you as an irreplaceable loved one, that can never be replaced.

I'm tired of people asking me or telling me to get "another one".
There was only one you.

I wish society treated you better
And didn't place such harsh labels and rules on you

I wish that I could have saved you.
From everything..
Including myself
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Trig Jan 05, 2022 at 03:34 PM
  #11
08/20 · Edited
My dog died today, and it's all my family's fault. everybody didn't believe me and shunned me when I told them that she was deathly sick for weeks. They are acting like it was natural causes but it wasn't. For weeks I have been telling them that she was sick and she needed to go to the vet and they ignored me telling me that I'm not a doctor and that they were tired of me complaining about it. she died horrifically on my kitchen floor with blood and urine pouring out of her orifices. I am very angry. this could have been prevented, or at least she didn't have to suffer. now my family joking that its time to get a puppy now. Also they were saying that I need to get rid of her things soon. I posted on another forum on another site under a mental health thread anonymously and the people there were very insensitive. Saying disgusting and irrelevant things almost blaming me like how come I didn't take my dog to the vet, and I shouldn't be sad because I'm not the victim my dog is. Those things made me feel even more terribly than I did previously sorry for posting this many times but I need to..to cope... I let Jada down. I was a coward and couldn't even bring myself to hold her as she passed. I went in another room..I'm disgusting



08/22
Because of him and them...I have to walk into the room and on the space where she died multiple times a day. I will never forgive them

I told them for weeks and begged him to take her to the vet ..even sent pictures to him and videos of her suffering and I was ignored. I even begged yesterday for him to do so, but he did not. All of my family members are disgusting because they said they understood him not wanting to take her to the vet because of him not wanting to pay a vet bill to have her die soon afterwards. I explained to them that regardless of if the prognosis was grim or not , she still should have had the one last visit to either cure her or end her suffering hopefully in a peaceful way. Maybe she could have been cured early on before it progressed. Yesterday I begged and pleaded to end her suffering. But he wouldn't do it. I tried calling mobile vets as I am homebound and no one would come out. I didnt even get to hold her as she was taking her final breaths. I was a coward and left her there to die alone, I didn't want to see her in such a condition. I failed her. I promised her that I would get her help. I'm disgusting. It should have been me.
I am soo depressed. I wake up crying. I have flashbacks, I can't eat, I can't sleep willingly..my body just forces me too.. Her bed still remains untouched as she left it in the room that we shared..Despite my family talking amongst themselves about me needing to throw her things out. I had to get rid of the clothes that I was wearing down to my sneakers..I can never wear that again at all. I don't even want to clean or vaccum , as I dont want to erase her scent, presence, and remaining essence. I'm a mess. Seeing how people were insensitivity asking/almost blaming me for not taking her to the vet, has really messed me up as well. The self blame has amplified and synced with my DNA , and has become something I will never get rid of. I have to listen to them describe her death with insensitivity towards her, and me to others. How pitiful and sad she looked while suffering..the allowed suffering that they intentionally inflicted on her for weeks despite my advocacy for her. The words echo in my head about how I told her that I would get her help. I promised her that I would. Her last breaths and how she was gagging and coughing for air as she tried to make her way down my basement to go outside for a final time, but how she was only able to get to the top of the basement doorway before she collapsed on the floor dying haunts me as I have to cross that spot many times during the day still. The words and memories swivel around my head and heart like a true and sincere lover and friend romances. My thoughts are mostly focused on her. Apologising to her hoping that she'll hear some how. My days consist of me trying to dictate and put my tears on a strict regimen and schedule. I blame myself for everything, including not being strong enough to carry her down, or not be strong enough to hold her in my arms while dying. I anger at the fact that my family is seduced by lies, and spreading them around like a foreign contagious parasite. Calling it a "natural " death due to age. They can't even get her age correct and cemented in their brain. They left the mop and clothe that they used to clean away the blood, outside in my front yard, so there is no escape and breathable air outside. Her corpse wasn't even respected and dignified. They took it away to a unknown place and that was that. I know that the last time they saw her she was wheeled away someplace. That's all I know. I would have given her a proper burial. Coffin and all. Maybe in her favorite park if allowed..or somewhere where it the world's beauty was reflective and matched and mirrored her beauty. I wanted soo much more for her. I wanted her to be safe in life, and secure in her transition to the unknown. Now I pray and hope that she is safe and loved in death.



It's been 18 days too long since you've gone. I barely sleep, I barely eat, I barely speak..when I do it's in an impatient , short fused voice...because I'm a reconstructed timebomb that keeps going off and reanimating itself. I've been held up in our room refusing to step outside. The 2 times that I've been outside were reminders of how cruel and insensitive society is. When I speak of you there's a crack or slither in my voice that serves as a breaking point, to a breakdown. When I speak of you they automatically tell me that I should get a "new" "one" and I'll be fine (whatever that is) as if you're replaceable. As if your life meant nothing. As if another lifeform can replicate your own personal breath of life and light. I don't know how to smile anymore, my face is now trained not to. I still have your bed in our room still trying to guard it with my life..They talk about just "needing" to toss them away in the rubbish. I don't need to. They do. I try to busy myself to keep from thinking about things, but my mind becomes busier with those thoughts. Two days ago, I met a friendly stray cat who had taken to me instantaneously. Fit right underneath my arms and loved being around me all of the time. Under what use to be "normal" circumstances I would have taken her in..but it's too soon. I would never have been able to love her as herself. I would never stop comparing and contrasting you and her. I have always believed in reincarnation, therefore I am unsure if it was you in your new lifeform, or her adjusting to her current one..Either way, I just can't accept it..So I gave you, her, or both of you collectively away. She occupies my thoughts as well. Yesterday since the family refused to take the bags of blood soaked rags and equally soaked mop with your blood out of my front yard like I've been asking them to since the day you left...I had to touch them. I had to smell them. I had to carry them to properly dispose of them. They continously let us down...I know you know how that is.

Last edited by CANDC; Jan 05, 2022 at 07:07 PM.. Reason: add trigger icon
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Default Jan 05, 2022 at 03:36 PM
  #12
Everything is terrible.
Every day is worse than the previous.
I cry, and have flashbacks all day every day.
Wouldn't want you back if you are truly happy and without pain now.
Wouldn't want you back just to watch you die again, or for you to watch me die and have to deal with life without me.
I am the only one who cares.
I'm scared that you may haunt me
It's even scarier if you don't

For the rest of my life.

I love you
Your absence is killing me.
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Default Jan 07, 2022 at 08:29 PM
  #13
I am sorry for your loss. That sounds heartbreaking.

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Default Jan 07, 2022 at 09:21 PM
  #14
You have my deepest sympathies. Love is love and grief is grief... you loved deeply. Your loss is tragic and I hope your grief lessens.
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Default Jan 08, 2022 at 03:53 AM
  #15
i am so sorry for your loss.

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Default Jan 08, 2022 at 04:04 AM
  #16
I am very sorry for your loss as well. And I'm sorry your family is being so insensitive about it.
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Heart Jan 08, 2022 at 04:24 AM
  #17
I am so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry that you also had to endure the pain from others who were supposed to be there for you and your fur baby, because pets are family! That's so sad the way your dog passed away - very traumatic, actually! Animals have feelings, even though they don't express them like humans. Animals also go through pain, trauma, and tears when really hurt.

I read your last posts and felt deeply touched by what you wrote!

It reminds me of the time I wept when my turtle died. I had just purchased my turtle from the pet store a few days prior to my turtle's death. I spent a lot of money rushing my turtle to the after-hours Vet Clinic. I was only 16, I think. My poor turtle had a respiratory infection, and it was pronounced DOA. I was so sad. I didn't get to say good-bye. I was mad at the pet store for not having vets check their animals before they sold them. I spent all that money, but I didn't care because I just wanted to save that poor turtle. I didn't even come up with a name yet. Or I can't remember.

But to have a pet for many years hurts even more. I cannot imagine what you are going through.

(((safe hugs and thoughts)))

Adding on - it is NOT your fault at all! And it is very likely that the only thing the doctors could do would be to euthanize her, since the description of your dog sounds like it was some incurable disease. I wonder if it was a respiratory infection, parvo, or some other sort of disease that are common among dogs. It's sad to hear when dogs get ill like that.

I'm sure you gave your dog a really good life before your dog was ill. I'm sure your dog understood you and your heart well enough to know that you loved your dog, and that you just didn't want to see suffering.

I hope there is a form of reincarnation or the afterlife for pets - like a heaven or something for pets. I still feel sadness when it comes to the pets I've known - including my friends' pets, whom I've grown to love over the years. It was sad for my friends and myself when there was a fur baby loss.

Your grief is understandable.

I'm so sorry your family is being super insensitive and verbally harmful to you right now. You deserve validation, support, and comfort during this time.
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Default Jan 08, 2022 at 05:27 PM
  #18
i have to add-your dog's death was not your fault. you tried your best to get her to the vet but things were out of your control. i am sorry your family was so insensitive to your dog's plight and to your feelings. i am also sorry you had to witness her last day. that sounded so traumatic. i know you would have saved her if you could have.
i also was consumed with guilt and grief after my pets died. i found saying out loud how i felt somehow lessened the pain. if for some reason you cannot stop feeling guilty, here is an article from petloss.com. Dealing with the Guilt in case it might help.
do hold on to the fact that those last few weeks of your dog's life was only a small fraction of her time on this earth. main thing is she knew you loved her.
so please be gentle with yourself. many hugs.

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