After months of doing well, I'm breaking down.

My boyfriend died 20 months ago. The first 4 months were awful. I didn't even want to live. Then I got better and my heart healed. For many months I'ld been doing very well. I could smile thinking about him. I had a happy Christmas. A few days ago I started having post-holiday blues. Now, suddenly, I miss him so bad.

I miss being wanted by him. I miss being loved by him. I miss him. I want him. I need him. But he's gone. He can't come back to me. I cry and cry. Oh please.

I am so sorry for your loss. Time does not always lessen the pain of such tragedies and there is nothing like the pain of suffering such losses. Although I am not in your shoes and would not want to trespass on the absolute uniqueness of your situation, I can definitely relate to what you write about from my own personal experience of loss. Wish I knew what to say that would help!

Thank you for understanding. I am trying to pull myself together. I think today won't be as bad as yesterday.

@Rose76 I am so sorry for your loss. The hospice worker for my dad helped me understand that there are many layers of grief. I could not grieve and get over it, I had to go through the layers like peeling an onion.

What helped me was to start to build new routines that eventually led me into a greater sense of life. It is not easy but what helped me a lot was whenever I started getting sad, I wrote down all that I was grateful for from dad. It helped bridge the gap and get me to a place of accepting that he is gone and that somehow I need to recreate a purpose and support in my life.

All the best to you. @CANDC

I think what you are feeling is pretty common. Grief is not linear. I think CANDC's analogy of an onion is a good description.

I see you are in the US. Where I am it is summer, but I grew up in the US and January-February always seemed to be a gloomy time of year even if I was not dealing with other stressors. The holidays are over, the days are short, the weather is often bad and it can be hard to get out of the house. I wouldn't be surprised if that was a factor too.

Hugs to you. I hope you're doing better soon.

All of you above, please accept my thanks. A lot of my problem is the relentless aloneness I'm experiencing. If I just wasn't by myself in this apartment all the time. This now is more a problem of depression, rather than grief. The grief comes and goes just as you say above. But it is this isolation that is breaking me down. While he was alive, I was never alone. He was too sick to leave the house.

I live in the American Southwest. I don't think my area has had 10 flakes of snow yet. Daytime, it's like early spring outside. So weather isn't keeping me at home. Depression is. I don't even go out to check my mailbox. I haven't even brought my trash barrel in from the street, which I should have done two days ago. I stay here clutching my smart phone and cruising the Net because it's like having someone keeping me company. I went to the animal shelter to look at dogs. (I decided to not make that decision while I'm tbis emotional.)

A lot of this is due to COVID. All the things I thought I'ld be doing after my love was gone are not available . . . or they're unsafe. I'm not young, and I've had pneumonia twice in the past. So I'm scared of COVID . . . even though I've had 3 shots and bought some N95 masks.

All my relatives are thousands of miles away. They've been kind and keep in touch. But I'm just alone too much. I know I make a bunch of excuses. I could, at least, go out for a walk. Instead, I don't even get dressed.

Tomorrow my landlady is coming by with a new lease. My place isn't even presentable. I have to tidy up. I keep saying: Yeah, I'll do that in a little while. I don't put decent meals together, but just snack on anything easy.

Right up to New Year's I was doing great. My place looked beautiful for Christmas and I was making good meals. Jan 19, I just came unglued, and have been worse each day since. I feel like nothing good is ever going to happen again in my life.

I know that's defeatest thinking that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like I have no will-power to make myself do what I should do.

But I thank you for listening. That means a lot. I have so much to be thankful for. My health is good. I am subject to recurring episodes of depression. They come. They go. This one, however, is a doozy. And I break down weeping every day several times, which I hadn't done much for months, until this tailspin came on.

Well . . . I'll take my antidepressant and heat up some soup. I really thought today would be better. I'll have to force myself to do some basic things. I'll feel better if I do. I know that.

Well . . . I did all the dishes . . . and heated up some really good soup. I feel 50% better. Sometimes it's just getting started that's hard.

I feel like I have nothing left. I know that's wrong of me. I know life has been far kinder to me than to many, many who do less whimpering. I make things worse than they have to be by not trying to pull myself together.

HI @Rose76 I am sorry you sound kind of under the mental weather. What have you done in the past to get out of this kind of funk?

I've not ever found anything that works, except the passage of time. Depressive episodes eventually just lift, like how the flu just runs its course. If I started catching up on household chores, that sometimes breaks the grip of an episode. Last night I tydied up the kitchen and felt much improved. But in a few hours I felt awful again.

Maybe these "blues" aren't going to just lift. Maybe I have to fight my way laboriously up out of this hole. Maybe I just have to accept doing some arduous climbing, rung by rung, up. In the past I figure out something to look forward to. I can't think of anything like that now. Sometimes, if I just start doing what needs doing, something to look forward to will occur to me after I start being active.

I know all the standard advice. You can't wait till you feel better to make an effort. You won't feel better until you make an effort. I know what I could do and what I should do. I just have to accept that their may be no gratification for awhile. Self-discipline is not my strong point when I'm this far down.

Earlier I thought of having a glass of wine. But I felt like that would just make my stomach queasy, so I made a protein shake that went down pretty good. I haven't been eating much.
Once a doctor wondered if I had a drinking problem because I said I enjoyed alcohol. However, when very depressed, I have no interest in it. I only like wine with food.

Thank you for your post. I just have to stop vegetating.

Your post really resonated with me.

Knowing what you should do but not feeling able to do it. Having the tools to help lift you up, but not feeling able to use them. Not having the motivation or energy to make the effort.

I'm in a similar place right now, though because of different circumstances.

Depression sucks. I hope you can find the strength within you to pull yourself out of the hole you are in.

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Thank you East17 for the empathy. I hope your own situation improves soon.

I can tell you what doesn't help. In the past it's been said to me, "Just use your coping skills!" You seem to understand that there is not always a perfectly sensible way to get over this, if I would just make the effort. That's what most people believe.

I don't think depressed people should be babied. I also think people should not make assumptions that the person would be much better, if only they would pull up their socks and get on with things.

Right now I'm taking a break. I had been cleaning the kitchen, but had to stop due to soreness in my lower back. I took a pain pill an lay down for a bit. I'll get up in a few minutes. (The pill works in 25 min.) I'll go back to the kichen. If I make the kitchen look nice, I'll be very pleased and probably go on to another chore. If I stick with it, until my home starts to look a lot better, I'll be very pleased. Then I may make a list of a few errands I need to do tomorrow. Then I may wake up tomorrow, look at my list and carry on. Then I may feel like depression is going away.

So why didn't I just do this before now? I tried. I started. But I just couldn't gain any momentum. It's like turning the ignition key, hearing the motor for a few seconds, and then it dies. That's what the past week was like. Today I can hear the motor kicking on and staying on. Your post has helped with that. You seem to understand.

Lots of people say, "Just do what you did the last time you pulled yourself out of being depressed." They assume that I have a history of making myself feel better by doing this or doing that. Every professional counselor is trained to use that technique: "So what are some things you've done in the past to make yourself feel better when you've been in a funk?" That is never helpful. It's based on a premise that I don't find to be true. It comes across as smug, even though the person who parrots that off doesn't mean to sound judgemental, they are being judgemental." "Why the heck don't you DO something for yourself?" Like I'm so stupid that I'm just forgetting to "employ my coping skills."

Well - back to the kitchen! I may catch fire and pull myself out of the trough. Or I may not. I'll give myself pep talks. I'll push myself. I may make it over the hump. Often I do. Thank God I often achieve recovery. Sometimes the engine poops out after a bit of effort. I hate that. I can't explain why I stayed stuck in the quagmire from Jan 19 until this morning. Maybe I'll still be stuck 2 hours from now. But at this moment I feel hopeful, so I better strikr while the iron is hot.

I got going after that last post. Worked somemore on cleaning the kitchen. Made a decent supper for myself. Got tired and went to bed.

Got up this morning about 8 a.m. Have gone steadily downhill since getting up. I'm a mess now.

Rose I hear you. Isolation is easier than dealing with people, but I find I like to do things rather than lay in bed so I rack my brain to find activities I might benefit from. I also start thinking of what I might like to do while I am still alive. Some of my best creative projects came forth during depression. The painting and drawing or music or writing were a lifeline for me.

I'm glad you have been able to use your time productively when depressed.

I am not finding this isolation easier than being involved with people. I live alone. I avoid people now because of COVID. This is way more solitude than I would freely choose for myself. The epidemic is surging and cresting now in my area. So I tell myself to lay low for a few more weeks. It has just gotten too lonely.

I did have a nice long phone chat with a sister of mine last evening. That helped. This morning was rough, but this eve I feel improved. I think this episode may be winding down. I'm starting to pick up around the place. I just gave myself a badly needed manicure. That's a good sign that I may be returning to normal.

It sounds like you're a very creative person, even when depressed. That is certainly superior to lying in bed. Good for you that you don't waste hunks of your life vegetating. You must have aquired or cultivated the habit of making good choices. Very sensible way to be.

well Rose I do feel like I have learned the hard way. There was a time when I basically was totally isolated but at least I did creative things. I started doing little things like practicing exercises and going for walks. I started volunteering and that helped me go beyond just seeing my own situation. I saw others were suffering too and their suffering collectively was more than mine. It put things in perspective.

I guess my routine keeps me going all week but I do find things slower on weekends.

I am finding mindfulness is helping create a motivation and intention for my day. Maybe it is just to clean my room. The free app with no purchases required is Healthy Minds on Google Play or Apple store. It is by the University of Wisconsin and it is frequented by brain scientists who explain in simple language how I can start reprogramming my brain.

I had some trauma in childhood and was not encouraged to be creative. It has been an uphill climb to learn to express myself in appropriate ways, but I am starting to come out of my shell so to speak.

@Rose76 nice to hear your story. When I hear other people's stories I feel like we are all in this together.

Wednesday eve I got a jolt of ambition. I went to the laundromat and did a large amount of laundry. At first, I was just going to drop it off for the wash&fold service. Then I had a surge of energy, just from dressing and putting on my shoes. I feel so much better now.

If I can stay in this "up" mode tomorrow, then I'll probably be okay.

My only concern is I hope I didn't bring COVID home with me. No one at the laudromat was coughing.

Great news. It’s nice to have clean clothes! And great to get out of the house. What’s the next project? Don’t stop!

As about covid as long as you wore a mask and are vaccinated (if not at the very least you wore a mask), and kept some distance from people, you should be fine.

I am not trying to minimize fear of covid, but at some point people have to start living their lives again, with precautions. How much longer can we go on like this.

I am still wearing a mask even if other people are not. I feel safe is better than sorry.

Exactly. Same here