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bdice
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Question Jul 14, 2022 at 11:53 AM
  #1
We've recently lost my sister-in-law (SIL) to a multitude of health conditions. Not only was her sudden loss a shock, but she had just turned 40 and kept her health issues a secret from us.

I am trying to figure out a way to best support my husband and his family during this terrible time. However, one of the bigger issues is that my MIL has never liked me and she is currently taking her anger out on me and our 4-year-old daughter.

I want to be there for her and help in any way I can, but the nicer I try to be to her, the worse she is to me. I haven't confronted her b/c I understand that she is in great pain and I couldn't even begin to imagine what she is going through. However, I can't endure this abuse for the rest of my life. Not only is it a mental load for me, but it's also affecting my relationship with my husband and anyone that is within our orbit.

I could give a laundry list of horrible incidences with her that would show how fraught our relationship is, but I'm not sure that would help here. The bottom line is that within the past 10 yrs, she has repeatedly belittled or tried to bully me, and has been extremely passive aggressive, hyper-critical, cruel, or just downright cu***.

In the past few months, I have offered to do errands for her, clean the house, help her with her doctor appointments, etc. I have no problem with her saying no to any of it. My problem is that once I've offered, or shown that I'm trying to be empathetic, she doubles down and becomes especially nasty.

For example, her 1 go-to move is that when I offer to help, she gives a simple and short 'no' - which is fine - but then the very next day, she will call my husband and tell him how she and my FIL can't take being in the house any longer, so of course, my husband will tell them to come over. Within minutes of being in our house, she becomes hyper-critical - criticizing everything in my house from the way I dress down to what I'm giving my daughter to eat. She will then march into my daughter's playroom and start saying how we're spoiling her and try to "donate" some of her toys on her own, which of course sends my daughter into a tailspin.

Me writing the laundry list of issues between her and me here prob wouldn't help much aside from me venting, but my biggest question is how do I support a grieving person that I just simply can't stand and who obviously feels the same?
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Default Jul 14, 2022 at 09:29 PM
  #2
@bdice I am sorry your efforts are rebuffed. I think if I were in this situation, I would be inclined not to offer MIL help anymore because it only results in more abuse.

I would also talk to your husband and explain the situation to him. Unfortunately childhood family ties can sometimes trump marital family ties. I am not saying it is right but some adult children feel dominated and powerless to cope with strong parents.

I am not sure what the solution is but I would devote your energies to self care and taking care of your family the best you can. @CANDC

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Default Jul 16, 2022 at 12:22 PM
  #3
I agree with CANDC. I don't think you're the one who needs to try to support her. But if she does reach out to you, then the best thing to do is listen and nod....
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Default Jul 20, 2022 at 03:20 PM
  #4
bodice, I agree with the others. After telling your husband what you plan to do, stop offering to help. Be there to offer support, but don't offer it.
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Default Jul 20, 2022 at 05:19 PM
  #5
First, my condolences on the loss of your sister in law. It must be very difficult to grieve the loss given the circumstances.

As for your MIL, you are obviously a very kind and loving person to even want to support her in her grief despite how she has treated you. I have a few suggestions that may help you cope with this situation.

My first thought is to have conversations with your father in law instead. When I used this communication tactic, I gained quite a bit of knowledge that enabled me to better navigate the other relationship. It turned out that my MIL was feeling like she didn't have a relationship with her son and blamed me and our kids for taking up all his free time.

In your situation, I would ask your husband to take his parents out instead of coming to your house for a visit. Have him take your daughter to the park with Grandma and Grandpa for a bit. Then meet up for pizza or something for dinner. Sometimes an audience of strangers is enough to keep the worst criticisms unsaid.

Another alternative is to run your own errands or take a walk when they come over. Let your husband deal with any criticism she may offer about your home and family. If they ask why you weren't around for their visit, tell them you weren't feeling well but you wanted to support them in getting out of the house. (anxiety and stress makes you feel unwell, right?) I don't recommend avoidance often, but in a pinch when you really can't deal with it, it's an option.

Relationships with in laws can be challenging. I hope you and your family find a way to manage it that works. And again I'm sorry for the loss you are all dealing with.
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Default Jul 20, 2022 at 06:12 PM
  #6

Excellent post!
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