I lost someone

I lost someone recently and I don't know what to feel about it. I feel like the nature of our relationship was undefined, so maybe I don't deserve to be as sad as I think I am. I am trying to approach it in a logical way. I feel very disconnected and I don't know if there's a right way to reconnect to the world .

Hi @OafFish glad to see you on MSF My Support Forums. Sorry you have had a rough time with a relationship. It is not easy to have a breakup.

For me the trauma does not depend on what the relationship actually is, but what my assumptions and expectations are. I may see a closeness that an outside observer does not see. That may be in my imagination. It has happened to me before.

It reminds me of the experiment with monkeys where one has nothing to embrace and another one has a wire mesh doll. The monkey chooses the wiremesh doll rather than nothing.

Sometimes I feel like my former relationships were like that, a little better than nothing, but not really nurturing or sustainable. Live and learn. But it is painful. It is not easy to separate myself from my imaginings.

All the best to you. @CANDC

oaffish, losing someone, even if we are not very close, can put a hole in our lives. Please don't be hard on yourself for how you feel. Okay?

I tend to only talk to one person at a time, and that was her. We were close, then we weren't. I never know what changes, but it always changes. I try to adjust to the new dynamic, but it leaves me feeling empty and foolish. All the plans that were made felt real to me. I never wanted a collection of past people, and I'm not very eager to find anyone else.

I hear you @OafFish - it is almost like I paint a picture of the rest of my life with that person and suddenly they are not there anymore.

It takes a lot of reinventing and redefining who I am and what I really have to get me back on track.

For me it's very hard to envision someone accepting who i am, so when I find someone, it's unique and miraculous and I can't even imagine wanting to find another.
It's hard to build up to the mindset of trying to meet a person. I feel like it's not worth the effort.

Quote:

Originally Posted by OafFish For me it's very hard to envision someone accepting who i am, so when I find someone, it's unique and miraculous and I can't even imagine wanting to find another. It's hard to build up to the mindset of trying to meet a person. I feel like it's not worth the effort.

After a hard breakup the first thing I want to do is cut all thoughts of getting something from someone else and start to build back my life based on what I have and what I can do.

Does not mean I never started a new relationship, but I had to do some serious adjustments to what I expected from that other person. I expected way too much and they could not possibly have fulfilled my wishes. I keep learning as I go.

I understand.. I still grieve over special friends that I've lost over the years. Each friend is different, and no one can quite take their place. But we still can meet some new special friends. I am hoping to have at least one before too long.
And I hope you will, too.

Thank you. It means alot. As I get older it's harder to make connections with people. I don't think I'm particularly difficult, I think it's just how things are. I'm always optimistic things will get better.

You deserve good things and good people in your life, oaf fish

Thank you for saying so. It means a lot. I want to be deserving, and maybe that means earning. If I can be deserving of good people I want them to be deserving of me as well. I think everyone belongs somewhere.

Her birthday just passed.
or it would have been her birthday.

@OafFish I am hoping you found a way through what would have been her birthday. Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays can be very tough.

All the best to you @CANDC

I'm so sorry, Oaffish

Thank you.
I think too much. I know I do.

Thank you willow

Recently I've been having a hard time, I keep having to suppress the impulse to text her, and remind myself that she's not here anymore

@OafFish I am sorry you are still grieving. I find the same thing when I am grieving. There are parts of my mind that the loss of someone does not sink in, like a little child inside that cannot believe they are gone. @CANDC

I had that dream again where she tells me it's a mistake. It's a messed up thing to wake up from. Now my whole day is going to be that.

A hug for a oaffish

I'm so sorry OafFish. I can't imagine how distressing that must be to wake up from and then having to carry that on your shoulders for the rest of the day. Grieving is such a complicated and difficult process. Sending you love, hugs, and support.

Thank you. I'm usually ok, In June it will have been a year. Sometimes I have to look at the obit to remind myself she's not coming back. That's a weird embarrassing feeling