[CallmeJohn]

Hello everyone,

My name is John (35) and I really need some help on how to deal with all of this.
The last couple of years were really difficult for me and my family.
- In 2020, my grandma (97 now) a perfectly healthy woman with no health problems broke her hand and because of the shock, a hidden dementia came to light and took over. Badly at first, but then it got under control.
- Due to her accident and the shock, sadly something happened with my dad (grandma is his mother-in-law). After close to half of a year of rushing him to the hospital, at least 10 times, for an unknown reason, he was finally hospitalized and spent close to 5 months in UNI, losing his ability to talk (was ventilated), to eat (he was fed from a tube). He finally died in january last year. He was 66 and died with close to 29 kg.
- During this period, my 7 year old relationship ended, because I was constantly either at the hospital for my dead or at the care home for my grandma and in all trying to keep an eye on mum who was facing all of this nightmare. - eventually, I was glad it ended because I didn't need someone like that in my life.
- I've remade my life, did just two sessions of therapy. I needed someone to listen and it worked + I had my coping mechanism that always worked.

However, two weeks ago, grandma's situation went sideways. Her care home roommate died and I think she had a shock that led to her fall. She was close of breaking her leg, she didn't, however, she can't walk alone anymore. But that is not the bad thing, the problem is her dementia really advanced suddenly after keeping her under control as much as she could.
I went to see her on Monday and when I looked at her in the bed, so fragile, so powerless, I felt a pain in my heart that I've never known before.

I thought I was prepared to let her go, but seeing her like this is shaking the core of whole of me. That image keeps on coming, with her there, powerless, the stuff of my nightmares as a kid.
I am a decent person because of her and seeing her like that it really affects me. Last night I was trying to have sex with my GF and those images came into my mind again and I had to stop.

For the moment I will not go to therapy. I want to, but I have to be smart, because most of my money are going into keeping my grandma into that state-of-the-art care home and doing therapy will really empty my pockets.

So, does anyone have a small input into this? Some tricks to keep my mind away from that?
I don't want to become overwhelmed with the pain of seeing her like that and hearing all the nonsense she speaks because of dementia.

Thank you!

[Lostislost]

Hi, sorry to hear about all of these things going on. My grandma had dementia too, and spent her last years in a care home. I've also worked in elderly care, where you see lots of people suffering with dementia.

It sounds like you have gone above any beyond looking after your family, they are so lucky to have you. So many people in care homes have no visitors and no one outside to care for them.

It is horrifying to watch someone decline so rapidly. The images really do stick with you for a while. Try not to block them out, if possible can you sit with your emotions, wrote a poem, a letter to your grandma? I know she won't read it but it may help with your feelings. The more we try to push the feelings down, the more likely they are to appear in random situations (like when you were with your girlfriend).

The pain you feel is so strong because you love her very much. Take it one day at a time and look after yourself in every way you can.

[CallmeJohn]

Thank you very much for your kind words.

The thing is I am really tired. I am close to alone in this. Her son doesn't leave in the country anymore, while I am trying to keep mum safe, so when it all started, I've talked with the staff there to keep just me posted when things are bad, so I can tell my mum.

But I am exhausted and feeling I am cracking up.
We speak daily with the stuff there, visit once per week, but every word she is saying to me feels like a bullet. Yesterday she asked for me, they told her I am at work and she replied: He can't be at work, he is just a kid.
A small phrase that did so much damage in me.

[East17]

I am so sorry you are going through this @CallmeJohn

Dementia is an awful condition, affecting both the person who is diagnosed with it, and everyone close to them. My heart goes out to you.

One thing to remember is that the dementia is not your Grandma. It sounds simple but is a really important distinction to have firmly in your mind. The things your Grandma says and does, are not fundamentally 'her'. If you can separate the two, it may be easier to cope with.


Your mind is remembering (and therefore interracting with) her as she was, not as she is now. That is a perfectly normal and logical thing to do, but it will smack you square in the face every time. Try and think of her almost as split into two parts. Grandma whom you used to know, and Grandma who exists now. Her body and outward appearance are still 'your Grandma', but her mind has fallen prey to the dementia and is no longer the person you once knew. It sounds incredibly harsh I know, to think of a loved one like that, but I know from personal experience, that if you don't learn to separate the two, it will hurt a whole lot more.

[CallmeJohn]

Thank you @East17.

I will try to do that.
I have my coping method, one was to go every Saturday in the morning, to her apartment and take care of her flowers. I've been doing this for almost two years now since she in the care home. Just sit there, drink my coffee and fill up my energy levels because everything there is blocked in the 80s/90s. She never updated her home so it looks like my childhood.
Occasionally I cry, so I am looking forward to do this Saturday.

I am just tired. I want to pass the torch to someone for just a couple of weeks, but there is no one there. I need it soo much.