I lost someone

OafFish · Jul 27, 2022 at 12:27 AM

I lost someone recently and I don't know what to feel about it. I feel like the nature of our relationship was undefined, so maybe I don't deserve to be as sad as I think I am. I am trying to approach it in a logical way. I feel very disconnected and I don't know if there's a right way to reconnect to the world .

CANDC · Jul 27, 2022 at 09:53 AM

Hi @OafFish glad to see you on MSF My Support Forums. Sorry you have had a rough time with a relationship. It is not easy to have a breakup.

For me the trauma does not depend on what the relationship actually is, but what my assumptions and expectations are. I may see a closeness that an outside observer does not see. That may be in my imagination. It has happened to me before.

It reminds me of the experiment with monkeys where one has nothing to embrace and another one has a wire mesh doll. The monkey chooses the wiremesh doll rather than nothing.

Sometimes I feel like my former relationships were like that, a little better than nothing, but not really nurturing or sustainable. Live and learn. But it is painful. It is not easy to separate myself from my imaginings.

All the best to you. @CANDC

Travelinglady · Jul 27, 2022 at 02:49 PM

oaffish, losing someone, even if we are not very close, can put a hole in our lives. Please don't be hard on yourself for how you feel. Okay?

OafFish · Jul 27, 2022 at 05:11 PM

I tend to only talk to one person at a time, and that was her. We were close, then we weren't. I never know what changes, but it always changes. I try to adjust to the new dynamic, but it leaves me feeling empty and foolish. All the plans that were made felt real to me. I never wanted a collection of past people, and I'm not very eager to find anyone else.

CANDC · Jul 28, 2022 at 05:48 PM

I hear you @OafFish - it is almost like I paint a picture of the rest of my life with that person and suddenly they are not there anymore.

It takes a lot of reinventing and redefining who I am and what I really have to get me back on track.

OafFish · Jul 28, 2022 at 06:14 PM

For me it's very hard to envision someone accepting who i am, so when I find someone, it's unique and miraculous and I can't even imagine wanting to find another.
It's hard to build up to the mindset of trying to meet a person. I feel like it's not worth the effort.

CANDC · Jul 31, 2022 at 04:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OafFish

For me it's very hard to envision someone accepting who i am, so when I find someone, it's unique and miraculous and I can't even imagine wanting to find another.
It's hard to build up to the mindset of trying to meet a person. I feel like it's not worth the effort.

After a hard breakup the first thing I want to do is cut all thoughts of getting something from someone else and start to build back my life based on what I have and what I can do.

Does not mean I never started a new relationship, but I had to do some serious adjustments to what I expected from that other person. I expected way too much and they could not possibly have fulfilled my wishes. I keep learning as I go.

Travelinglady · Aug 04, 2022 at 08:41 PM

I understand.. I still grieve over special friends that I've lost over the years. Each friend is different, and no one can quite take their place. But we still can meet some new special friends. I am hoping to have at least one before too long.

And I hope you will, too.

OafFish · Aug 05, 2022 at 01:21 AM

Thank you. It means alot. As I get older it's harder to make connections with people. I don't think I'm particularly difficult, I think it's just how things are. I'm always optimistic things will get better.

Fuzzybear · Aug 06, 2022 at 05:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CANDC

Hi @OafFish glad to see you on MSF My Support Forums. Sorry you have had a rough time with a relationship. It is not easy to have a breakup.

For me the trauma does not depend on what the relationship actually is, but what my assumptions and expectations are. I may see a closeness that an outside observer does not see. That may be in my imagination. It has happened to me before.

It reminds me of the experiment with monkeys where one has nothing to embrace and another one has a wire mesh doll. The monkey chooses the wiremesh doll rather than nothing.

Sometimes I feel like my former relationships were like that, a little better than nothing, but not really nurturing or sustainable. Live and learn. But it is painful. It is not easy to separate myself from my imaginings.

All the best to you. @CANDC

Aug 06, 2022 at 11:04 AM

You deserve good things and good people in your life, oaf fish

OafFish · Aug 06, 2022 at 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by willowtigger

You deserve good things and good people in your life, oaf fish

Thank you for saying so. It means a lot. I want to be deserving, and maybe that means earning. If I can be deserving of good people I want them to be deserving of me as well. I think everyone belongs somewhere.

OafFish · Aug 27, 2022 at 03:21 PM

Her birthday just passed.
or it would have been her birthday.

CANDC · Aug 27, 2022 at 04:09 PM

@OafFish I am hoping you found a way through what would have been her birthday. Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays can be very tough.

All the best to you @CANDC

Aug 27, 2022 at 04:16 PM

I'm so sorry, Oaffish

OafFish · Aug 28, 2022 at 11:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CANDC

@OafFish I am hoping you found a way through what would have been her birthday. Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays can be very tough.

All the best to you @CANDC

Thank you.
I think too much. I know I do.

OafFish · Aug 28, 2022 at 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by willowtigger

I'm so sorry, Oaffish

Thank you willow

OafFish · Feb 12, 2023 at 05:25 PM

Recently I've been having a hard time, I keep having to suppress the impulse to text her, and remind myself that she's not here anymore

CANDC · Feb 14, 2023 at 12:08 PM

@OafFish I am sorry you are still grieving. I find the same thing when I am grieving. There are parts of my mind that the loss of someone does not sink in, like a little child inside that cannot believe they are gone. @CANDC

OafFish · Mar 08, 2023 at 10:19 AM

I had that dream again where she tells me it's a mistake. It's a messed up thing to wake up from. Now my whole day is going to be that.

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I lost someone

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OafFish Veteran Member OafFish has no updates. Member Since: Jul 2022 Location: The Far West Posts: 748	Jul 27, 2022 at 12:27 AM #1 I lost someone recently and I don't know what to feel about it. I feel like the nature of our relationship was undefined, so maybe I don't deserve to be as sad as I think I am. I am trying to approach it in a logical way. I feel very disconnected and I don't know if there's a right way to reconnect to the world .
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Travelinglady Legendary Wise Elder Travelinglady is back to dealing with health issues. Member Since: Sep 2010 Location: North Carolina Posts: 46,359 (SuperPoster!) 22.3k hugs given	Jul 27, 2022 at 02:49 PM #3 oaffish, losing someone, even if we are not very close, can put a hole in our lives. Please don't be hard on yourself for how you feel. Okay?
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OafFish Veteran Member OafFish has no updates. Member Since: Jul 2022 Location: The Far West Posts: 748	Jul 27, 2022 at 05:11 PM #4 I tend to only talk to one person at a time, and that was her. We were close, then we weren't. I never know what changes, but it always changes. I try to adjust to the new dynamic, but it leaves me feeling empty and foolish. All the plans that were made felt real to me. I never wanted a collection of past people, and I'm not very eager to find anyone else.
	Reply With Quote

CANDC Super Moderator Community Support Team Community Liaison Chat Leader CANDC has no updates. Member Since: May 2014 Location: Northeast USA New England Posts: 16,789 (SuperPoster!) 2,250 hugs given	Jul 28, 2022 at 05:48 PM #5 I hear you @OafFish - it is almost like I paint a picture of the rest of my life with that person and suddenly they are not there anymore. It takes a lot of reinventing and redefining who I am and what I really have to get me back on track. __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time"
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OafFish Veteran Member OafFish has no updates. Member Since: Jul 2022 Location: The Far West Posts: 748	Jul 28, 2022 at 06:14 PM #6 For me it's very hard to envision someone accepting who i am, so when I find someone, it's unique and miraculous and I can't even imagine wanting to find another. It's hard to build up to the mindset of trying to meet a person. I feel like it's not worth the effort.
	Reply With Quote

Travelinglady Legendary Wise Elder Travelinglady is back to dealing with health issues. Member Since: Sep 2010 Location: North Carolina Posts: 46,359 (SuperPoster!) 22.3k hugs given	Aug 04, 2022 at 08:41 PM #8 I understand.. I still grieve over special friends that I've lost over the years. Each friend is different, and no one can quite take their place. But we still can meet some new special friends. I am hoping to have at least one before too long. And I hope you will, too.
	Reply With Quote

OafFish Veteran Member OafFish has no updates. Member Since: Jul 2022 Location: The Far West Posts: 748	Aug 05, 2022 at 01:21 AM #9 Thank you. It means alot. As I get older it's harder to make connections with people. I don't think I'm particularly difficult, I think it's just how things are. I'm always optimistic things will get better.
	Reply With Quote

Anonymous32448 Guest Anonymous32448 has no updates. Edit Posts: n/a	Aug 06, 2022 at 11:04 AM #11 You deserve good things and good people in your life, oaf fish
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OafFish Veteran Member OafFish has no updates. Member Since: Jul 2022 Location: The Far West Posts: 748	Aug 27, 2022 at 03:21 PM #13 Her birthday just passed. or it would have been her birthday.
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CANDC Super Moderator Community Support Team Community Liaison Chat Leader CANDC has no updates. Member Since: May 2014 Location: Northeast USA New England Posts: 16,789 (SuperPoster!) 2,250 hugs given	Aug 27, 2022 at 04:09 PM #14 @OafFish I am hoping you found a way through what would have been her birthday. Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays can be very tough. All the best to you @CANDC __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time"
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Anonymous32448 Guest Anonymous32448 has no updates. Edit Posts: n/a	Aug 27, 2022 at 04:16 PM #15 I'm so sorry, Oaffish
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OafFish Veteran Member OafFish has no updates. Member Since: Jul 2022 Location: The Far West Posts: 748	Feb 12, 2023 at 05:25 PM #18 Recently I've been having a hard time, I keep having to suppress the impulse to text her, and remind myself that she's not here anymore
	Reply With Quote

CANDC Super Moderator Community Support Team Community Liaison Chat Leader CANDC has no updates. Member Since: May 2014 Location: Northeast USA New England Posts: 16,789 (SuperPoster!) 2,250 hugs given	Feb 14, 2023 at 12:08 PM #19 @OafFish I am sorry you are still grieving. I find the same thing when I am grieving. There are parts of my mind that the loss of someone does not sink in, like a little child inside that cannot believe they are gone. @CANDC __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time"
	Reply With Quote

OafFish Veteran Member OafFish has no updates. Member Since: Jul 2022 Location: The Far West Posts: 748	Mar 08, 2023 at 10:19 AM #20 I had that dream again where she tells me it's a mistake. It's a messed up thing to wake up from. Now my whole day is going to be that.
	Reply With Quote