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Soupe du jour
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Default Aug 19, 2023 at 05:09 AM
  #1
I've read and responded to some of the posts in this forum, but am now posting a thread of my own. I tried a while back, but couldn't finish one.

I'm overwhelmed with grief. Yes, I've lost many people close to me. This pains me so much, but I've had losses of different sorts, too.

My mother died suddenly, about 18 years ago, when I was only 32. The closest person in my life, other than my hubby. That exacerbated an already severe bipolar episode, causing the first of 10 psychiatric hospitalizations, with alcohol abuse. The trauma and sickness ended my career. I grew so weak. So weak, when in my earlier youth I felt so strong.

My grandparents are gone, too. My most beloved when I was only 9, which affected me, greatly. Another just before 26. Another close one on my 30th birthday. The last one, an abusive grandparent, passed after my dear mother, and even in her will she gave my siblings and I a middle finger.

I have lost all but two biological uncles. My maternal one literally moved away without telling my siblings and I. I've not heard from him since the abusive grandmother died. The other always lived far away. The last I saw him was when my father died, recently. He was hostile towards me and kept coming to my father's property claiming belongings, like a vulture.

My father died this past March. My brother died 3 weeks later, after a long battle with cancer. My sister and I are on the outs, sadly because of inheritance issues. She has been passive aggressive, at times, and seems to be putting the screws to me as she (or even more her husband) control as executrix. Their son is a mini me of my brother-in-law. I am incapable of responding to her last email to me. I cannot bear the pain and anger, anymore. Her youngest son, with whom I was very close, died by suicide about six years ago. I confess to putting a little bit of the blame on my brother-in-law, and ultimately on my sister, too, as she let the abuse happen.

I moved from the US to Central Europe, about 2 1/2 years ago, and barely speak the language and have not integrated well. I do feel so isolated. One might blame me to a degree, and it is a bit true, but my disability plays some part. To tell me to "sink or swim" is harsh, as well. When I moved, I left my beloved psychiatrist, with whom I had a transference love. Again, one might say it was for the best, and that's true, but it still hurts so much. Only 9 months before the move I lost my sweet pet. I loved him so much, and confess I felt like I failed him in some way. It's been years since my husband and I had the most intimate kind of relations. It's not his fault. He has ED, but it's still a kind of loss. I had hoped his family would have been more supportive upon our arrival, but they haven't been that much. It's like my husband and I are on a deserted island in the middle of a sea. I feel weak, and yet I'm clawing to hold on to my stability. Bipolar episodes would be the last thing I (and my husband) would need.

All of the losses do make me think of my own mortality, and of course my husband's, who is my last secure "home", of sorts. I think to myself "If I were to lose him, how would I survive?" I tell myself that I would have to. That I must. Planning how to do so is crucial, but a dastardly task.

My husband and I bought a property here in Europe. It's been under renovation for well over a year. For much of that time we lived in an Airbnb where I felt so unsettled. I still feel unsettled at my own new home. Workers are always around. This past week all of our north facing windows (basically all of our windows) have been covered up to avoid dust coming in. It's like a dark cave. My husband is also depressed, so we stay in the house like prisoners. It's been so long that I felt any pleasure in doing what used to make me happy. Walks, cooking, music, concerts, art, dancing, writing. Nothing. What used to be my pleasure in seeing others in public and expressing my humor, gone. Yes, I don't see who I used to be anymore. Yes, who am I? What will I be? I feel like crawling into my closet and just staying there.

I worry about my homeland. Will democracy end? It's so hostile there, now. Those fears and my inability to afford life there were the catalysts for my fleeing. Many don't understand the pain of leaving where you come from. I no longer belong there, or seemingly anywhere. It seems the last threads to it have been severed.

I try to remind myself that under the circumstances I'm doing well, but that doesn't fully help.

I know this is long, so I don't expect anyone to read it all through. Some may find it all unbelievable. I do, too. I ask "Why so much loss?" Such a horrible luck!

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Dx: Bipolar type 1

Psych Medications:
* Tegretol XR (carbamazepine ER) 800 mg
* Lamictal (lamotrigine) 150 mg
* Seroquel XR (quetiapine ER) 600 mg
* Seroquel IR (quetiapine IR) 50 mg
* Lyrica (pregabalin) 100 mg

Last edited by Soupe du jour; Aug 19, 2023 at 05:25 AM..
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Default Aug 19, 2023 at 07:08 AM
  #2


I’m so sorry.

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Default Aug 19, 2023 at 07:43 AM
  #3
Thanks, @Nammu. This will likely be the last I write about this. I need to work more on healing from it all.

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Dx: Bipolar type 1

Psych Medications:
* Tegretol XR (carbamazepine ER) 800 mg
* Lamictal (lamotrigine) 150 mg
* Seroquel XR (quetiapine ER) 600 mg
* Seroquel IR (quetiapine IR) 50 mg
* Lyrica (pregabalin) 100 mg
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Default Aug 19, 2023 at 07:52 AM
  #4
I do know what you mean. best of luck with it all.

I went to a visitation yesterday and that somehow was more real than mum’s funeral. When I got up to my friend who’d lost her mum, I lost everything I had planed to say. So I said, there are no words. She agreed. At least my mum was 94 her mum was only 59. Much too young, much like your brother.

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Default Aug 19, 2023 at 11:53 AM
  #5
I am very sorry. I understand.

We had lots of loss too and I certainly understand difficulty of moving from where you grew up. I immigrated to the US from Europe. I fully assimilated her so that’s not an issue but there are many other issues at play. Relocation of those kinds is a major emotional undertaking that people cannot relate to unless they’ve been through that

I hear you. We are here for you
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Default Aug 20, 2023 at 03:36 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nammu View Post
I do know what you mean. best of luck with it all.

I went to a visitation yesterday and that somehow was more real than mum’s funeral. When I got up to my friend who’d lost her mum, I lost everything I had planed to say. So I said, there are no words. She agreed. At least my mum was 94 her mum was only 59. Much too young, much like your brother.

Thanks, Nammu. And yes, I also think there's something a bit extra sad when you lose someone way before the usual. Though I am very much grieving the loss of my dad, he was 80, so had a mostly long life. My brother was only 57. When my mom passed she was only 61. It was just flat out unfair that they lost their lives so prematurely. It was only a few months ago I remember telling my brother how unfair it was that he had to struggle with such a terrible terrible illness.

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Dx: Bipolar type 1

Psych Medications:
* Tegretol XR (carbamazepine ER) 800 mg
* Lamictal (lamotrigine) 150 mg
* Seroquel XR (quetiapine ER) 600 mg
* Seroquel IR (quetiapine IR) 50 mg
* Lyrica (pregabalin) 100 mg
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Default Aug 20, 2023 at 04:44 AM
  #7
Losing ones sibling is brutal. I am very sorry
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Default Aug 20, 2023 at 10:36 AM
  #8
I know when my mum’s youngest sister went many years ago it was a shock to everyone. She was the baby. Only in her early 50’s. Then my oldest uncle died of cancer. The rest of the siblings were shocked. Then it was many many years before the next went. Now there’s only two left.

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